Trying to Let Go

It is no secret AT ALL that I have interpersonal issues with my family. With every member of my family unit there are some unique issues.

Mom: She favored my sister my entire childhood and adolescence (and let’s be honest, still does to this day), and essentially let her abuse me. I was always told to “let it roll off my back” because that’s just “how K is.” My mom didn’t know how to control K or make her stop, OR she didn’t want to punish her because that would interfere with all the fun they had together (I seriously think that grounding her would cramp my mom’s style, so that’s why it didn’t happen a lot. They were attached at the hip.)

Dad: Dad was always gone. He was a pretty absentee parent. This isn’t entirely his fault, I mean, that was his job, but he was only around on weekends, so while he saw what was happening he never really did anything.

K: Ummm, I don’t have to go into it right? Suffice it to say she basically took every happy childhood memory I could have with my family and tainted it. I had other good memories with extended family and friends, but I don’t remember much about my childhood that doesn’t have an overhang of unhappiness over it when it comes to my immediate family unit.

As an adult, I have tried to let go of my anger. I really have. But it’s hard. It would probably be easier if my parents and sister didn’t continually renew my reasons to be angry with them. Every time something happens they wait just long enough for it to simmer down a little to then renew my anger.

Case in point: Weekend before last (Thanksgiving) my dad dropped the bomb that they’re having an open house (he’s been trying to sell his house ever since my parents got divorced, so four years now) and he needs me to empty out my library. My library at my parents house is a room about the size of a decent walk in closet and it has one wall of book shelves. It also has shelves all the way around the top with stuffed animals. It’s a small room and that’s all it has in it, so it’s not that much, BUT it’s still more than I could do by myself, so even though I am home during the day (you know, just doing nothing…) I told him it was going to have to wait until the following weekend (last weekend) when Chief could help me.

At the time I did know that Chief had drill, but what I didn’t realize was that on Saturday he wouldn’t be home until 5:00 and Sunday 4:00. Charlie goes to bed at 7:00 and on Sunday we had to have dinner at Mom’s at 6:00, so you can see that didn’t leave us with really any time. When I realized this I texted dad and GENUINELY apologized about not being able to make it over and said that I didn’t realize that drill was going to run long this weekend. I was also worried because K acted like she was going to throw my stuff away if I didn’t get it (she’s masterminded this whole open house thing). He texted back and said not to worry-my stuff wouldn’t be a big deal because the room was clean and that he wouldn’t let K throw anything away.

Well, then about an hour later I get a call from my mother, telling me that she needs me to go to my dad’s house and get my stuff because my sister is upset.

Are you all saying “What the fuck?” right now? Because if not I’m not sure we can still be friends.

I flipped. out. I told my mom that this was between me and dad, NOT her and K, or K and dad, or even me and K. Me. And. Dad. Dad’s house. My stuff. I had barely any notice about the open house and with a baby EVERYTHING requires notice. AND when it was K all over mom about mom getting HER stuff out, mom acted like it was a huge inconvenience and short notice (which it was and was) until K agree to bring all of hers over.

So basically, mom agreed with me until K called her crying. Then she flip flopped. Welcome to my life. K also told mom that dad had told her she would have to pack up all of my stuff and put it in the attic.

Mom and I had a big, huge fight about it until I finally agreed that Chief and I would go over there Thursday (tomorrow) and get everything when he got off work. Here’s what this means for us:

Chief is supposed to take an online final tomorrow. Instead he crammed it in to take it today along with another one. He also has to work the night shift on Friday. His parents are coming in Saturday so that they can see Charlie get baptized on Sunday and do Christmas with us. Charlie has a cold. Basically my week is shit. And now I have to go pack up books and stuffed animals and find a place to put them before hosting my relatives.

I was upset. But I agreed, because if K ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy. But something just didn’t feel right about K’s story. So I called my dad. He didn’t call me back because he was with his new girlfriend who lives in California. Another story for another post there-it’s nuts. But he called me the next morning.

I asked him if he had any idea what had gone on last night and he said that he knew K got upset and called mom. I asked him what he said to K. He said that he told her I wouldn’t be making it over but that that was okay and my books would look fine on their shelves, and that the few boxes of stuff I have over there (there are like four boxes of china my grandmother left me) could just go in the attic until after the open house and my inlaws left. I told him that she told mom that he was going to make her pack all of my stuff singlehandedly and do something with it, and that’s why mom jumped all over me. I told him I didn’t want it to get back to anyone and it’s not like I was trying to get K in trouble, what’s done is done, but I just needed SOMEONE to empathize with me. Or what I really needed was for him to say “You know what, you have so much going on and this is ridiculous and never should have gotten back to your mother-don’t worry about your stuff.”

That is not what he said.

What he said was “Well, Librarian, K has worked really hard and you haven’t done anything for this open house. She was just upset you weren’t doing the one thing we asked you to do.”

And then I lost it on him. I got upset about how I had been given virtually no notice, I work two jobs AND take care of my baby, Chief works two jobs and goes to school, (K doesn’t have a job) my in laws are coming which they DID know about because it’s been planned, etc. etc. and he said “well you don’t have to wait for a time when Chief can watch Charlie. K can do it.”

If I hadn’t lost it already that’s when I started to really yell. I told him I did not trust her to watch my child. I didn’t even trust her to hold her unless I was around. He asked me why. I said “Why would I trust someone who has done nothing but make my life miserable with my daughter?”

No one ever has an answer for that.

Then I guess as a way to try and pacify the situation he said that I wouldn’t even have to take everything. I can just take what I want and he’ll get rid of the rest.

No sir. No. I’m taking everything. And no, I probably don’t want everything, but those books are some of the only things that made my childhood have happy moments. I will not be rushed in going through them. So everything is getting thrown in a box. The stuffed animals are getting put in trash bags, and it’s all coming here. I’ll go through it all after Christmas and decide what stays here for Charlie and what will be donated to the library. And K can finally have what she wants, which is a house that has been scrubbed of every piece of evidence I ever lived there.

Merry Christmas.

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15 thoughts on “Trying to Let Go

  1. Is there anything that can be said here other than what the fuck? And I’m so sorry? And what total bullshit? And since when does one relative deciding to do something with their house at the last minute constitute an emergency intervention on the part of relatives that don’t even live there? And how rude? And again, what the actual fuck?

    • Thank you. THANK YOU. When I told my aunt and cousin about it my cousin was like “Why does the library need to be empty anyway? it’s a LIBRARY. It’s displaying it’s use!”

      THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WITH SENSE.

  2. K is awful but I am most disappointed in your dad in this story suggesting K could watch Charlie when he knows what it has been like for you over the years. That just blows. Sending you all my hugs this Christmas. xx

  3. SOOOO….. what are the odds for you 3 moving about 3 thousand miles away? Really it would help everyone and K can return to her dream of being the only only. VERY sorry for you, wish your situation were different. And, by the way, not showing up to your mom’s except once a month really might help. At 6 you could be “finishing the last removal from the house for K to be happy”. IF you 3 being at mom’s isn’t a totally supportive and treasured time then mom should lump it and spend the time with K instead.

  4. I’m confused about one thing here…does K live with your dad? (I’m guessing no, I just wanted clarity.) Why does she want this open house so badly all of a sudden right in the middle of the holiday season? Does she know it would be best at this point to wait until spring to put the house on the market? We’ve sold 3 houses in 2 years, I can tell you that this is what any realtor will tell you. (Unless you are in some realty hot bed at the moment.)
    Anyway…I just, I don’t know what to say about her. Seriously if I were you, I would get my stuff and then just completely cut my family out of my life, at least for a little while. You have your own family now, and you need to be the best person you can be for them. Obviously your family only stresses you out and makes you miserable. I agree with Jane, maybe you should just move far away. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this situation. If I lived near you I would offer to come help you with things…but instead I can just tell you I’m thinking about you and hoping you get through this situation and the holidays with no more incidents! *hugs*

  5. I hate that you get put into these situations. This is your family, who is supposed to love you and support you. They’re not very good at being family. I agree with taking a break from them. As I’ve shared, hubby’s brother is a lot like K. It took a few years, but his mom now understands that they will not get together. She tried for years, inviting hubby somewhere, and then his brother would happen to be there when hubby arrived. Each time, hubby walked out, until his parents realized that if they want to spend time with him, it needs to be without his brother present. I’ve never met his brother, but hubby is such a great guy with an eclectic group of friends; if there’s a reason he doesn’t have this guy in his life, I trust that it’s a good one. I would suggest walking out of K is there, and ending the conversation every time she is brought up. Maybe, hopefully, your parents will eventually stop trying to get you two together. Focus on being the awesome wife and mommy that you are, and seriously, f**k them! *hugs*

  6. Wow! Just wow! Sorry you are going through all this. Your sister sounds just awful (as usual). You can always count on all your followers to “listen”.

  7. Ugh, Ugh, Ugh…and yes to all of the above comments! I’m not really into punching people, but I seriously would like to come down there and punch K for you. Seriously…I don’t know how you have turned out so well after all the crap they have put you through.

  8. Calling your mom and CRYING because you don’t have time to pack up some books and toys? What is this, middle school? I’m sad your parents don’t seem to perceive your sister for the master manipulator she is. I would cut her off and forbid your parents mentioning her. With Charlie you have a lot of power now!

  9. So…. with much respect, because it bothers me, why do you tolerate your parents and sister’s abuse? Why don’t you walk away from it and refuse to be present for it? Some how they have a hook into you and you allow your self to be present for this abuse. Might counseling help? Because otherwise nothing will ever change.

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