Today has been a day folks.
Nothing particularly bad has happened, but there are just a few things converging that are causing me to be pretty down in the dumps.
First of all, it’s that lovely time of year when it’s time to renew my IDR payment plan for my student loan company. Long story short, I have a lot of loans. A lot. But most importantly to remember is that 40% of what I owe is interest. Fucking interest, thanks to our country’s ridiculous interest rates and predatory loan practices. I realize that I signed the papers agreeing to this nonsense, but I was also 18 and told by the loan advisors that student loan debt was “good debt” and that the government was supportive and committed to helping people with their loans.
And what I have learned is that by “supportive and committed” they really mean “cruel and ridiculous.” They want $900 a month from us based on my husband and I’s income combined, so we have to file our taxes separately. My husband is a civil servant. We are paycheck to paycheck kind of people. And they want $900 a month. When we file our income separately, they want $0.00 a month. There’s just something not right about that.
So anyway, our tax guy is all over Chief about are we SURE we want to file separately? Because we lose $1000 right off the bat that way. Well yeah, we know. And yes it really sucks, but it’s either lose $1000 or lose $10,000 a year. It’s a no brainer.
I want to pay back what I owe. I never intended to skirt that responsibility, but they’ve made it a real challenge, and whenever this comes around I just feel really shitty. I feel like I shouldn’t have gotten my graduate degree. I feel like I’m dragging my husband down with me. This is going to be hanging over me for a really, really long time and today it just got really overwhelming, especially when I went online and looked at the total I owe now. I felt okay with what I owed when I got out of school. It wasn’t nothing-but it was also, well, what I expected, because it’s what I took out. I signed off on it, and I watched the numbers rise.
I never knew I would have to wait so long to get a full time job. I never knew that I would apply for job after job that required my masters degree and not get one of them. And I realize it’s easy to complain about all of this while I’m not working, but I will work again in a few years and these problems will still exist for me. And honestly if I had know they would I probably would have skipped out on the hard work that grad school was. Because what the hell is it doing for me?
And you know what really, really pisses me off? How hard I worked. I worked so hard in high school. I was never home after school-I was at band, or choir, or play practice, or WORK, because I WORKED in high school. And I still graduated in the top ten percent of my class, but because I couldn’t get a 29 on the ACT no matter how hard I tried (three attempts) I only got a partial scholarship. my sister skipped so much school she almost got kicked out, but she got a 32 on the ACT so she got a full ride.
And then I graduated Magna Cum Laude in 3.5 years, and I mean why? Why didn’t I have fun in college and party? I went straight into graduate school and paid full price for the whole damn thing.
And just to put a cherry on top of that cake, Dora is leaving in the morning around 10:00 am. I’m just in pieces about it and I ended up crying at the law firm today. Luckily no one saw but my mom. So this is a pity party post. I’m real sorry you read it.