Present and Future Mommas, it’s time you learn The Rules.
The Rules of Breastfeeding.
In my nine short months of motherhood + the nine short months of pregnancy I believe I have finally discerned all the rules. Let’s just dive right in.
1. You MUST breastfeed. Really. You must. Your child will grow a second head and be a serial killer if you don’t. Formula is poison. Absolute poison, and if you give your child formula you obviously don’t love them and want them to suffer/are selfish and dumb and just aren’t trying hard enough. Why aren’t you trying? Have you seen a lactation consultant? Have you seen five lactation consultants? Have you taken fenugreek/blessed thistle/mothers milk tea? Have you eaten oats, flaxseed, and brewers yeast? Have you tried pumping every two hours? I mean I know you might be a little tired from 40 hours of labor, but really if you’re not pumping every two hours then why did you even HAVE the baby?
2. You MUST breastfeed, but you also MUST not let anyone see you. Essentially, it’s just safer if you and your offspring never leave the house, lest you risk exposing your voluminous bosom to the world. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT LADIES. No one. I don’t know WHY you would want to flaunt yourself like that anyway. Have some dignity. Have some decorum. HAVE SOME SHAME. You should be ASHAMED of those breasts. And I mean, sure, the baby eats every two hours at first, but two hours is PLENTY of time to get your baby in the car, to the grocery store, get the groceries, change the baby in the grocery store bathroom after they have a blow out, get the groceries loaded up, get the baby back in the car, drive home, get the baby in the house, and unload all the groceries. If you’re taking more than two hours for that you’re just not doing it right. There’s no reason you should have to nurse in public.
3. You MUST breastfeed for at least a year, but no more than that. At the very moment that screaming, glass covered watermelon exited your womb the countdown clock started. For instance, my daughter was born on June 16, 2015, at 8:31 am. So as of 8:32 am, June 16, 2016, she will no longer be breastfeeding. It would simply be unacceptable. It would be like nursing a college student practically. Are you trying to make them overly dependent on you? How selfish. What is WRONG with you? They should be fully eating solids, drinking cows milk from a cup (they’re not drinking FROM A CUP YET?!) and you should have put those milk bags dangling from your chest away.
Got it ladies? If there’s any confusion, I’m available to clear it up. Rules are important.