This would be more eloquent if it were split into two posts, because the topics I want to talk about are SO different, but let’s get real-I barely get here to post once a week sometimes. The chances of two posts happening of any real substance in a week are slim.
So, topic one: Poop.
Literally poop. When last we spoke I was really effing mad at the doctor. I still am not pleased. But at the end of Monday Charlie had pooped more than she had ever pooped before. I was pretty against putting her on Miralax, but at the same time did NOT want a repeat of what happened. So my compromise was to go ahead and give her half the dose he wanted her to have daily until we got our second opinion (which is set for a week from today).
The problem is that Miralax is powdered and has to be mixed with a liquid. Well, Charlie doesn’t take bottles and hasn’t handled cups well yet. She just looooooves to nurse. So I called them yesterday against my better judgement and talked to the bitchy nurse, asking if I could put the Miralax in Charlie’s oatmeal.
She called me back about six hours later saying, really snippy, that no, Charlie needs to take it in a liquid, and that Oatmeal is probably constipating her anyway, and if we HAD to do anything other than a liquid it should be rice cereal.
I’m not sure if anyone else is out there screaming, but what the fuck, right? Rice is the “R” in the BRAT diet, known for being a binding agent. Oatmeal is known for helping to keep your bowels moving. Could they be any more backwards?
So that was the moment I decided to just go full on rogue until we saw a different doctor. Today I got Charlie to take about half of her dose in breast milk in the magical cup that we FINALLY found that works for her. There’s no way she’s going to drink 4 ozs from this cup though-that’s just a ton for a tiny baby her size that breastfeeds primarily. The other half I added to pears that I blended to a chunky consistency. she didn’t love them because she just isn’t a puree fan at all, but she did eat about 50% of them. And she did poop today after getting her dose yesterday (she will take the milk in a bottle if I’m out of the house for a few hours), so that’s something.
I’m resigned to this situation for right now because Monday was just awful and I can’t put her through that again, at least not without doing everything I can to prevent it. I’m being so super careful about her diet. Last night she had black beans and tomatoes for dinner. Tonight it was broccoli and the blended pears, and she had an oatmeal snack this afternoon (that I poured a bit of her Miralax spiked breast milk in). I even replaced the water in the oatmeal with pear juice and she dug that quite a bit.
One problem is that I have been gradually tapering off my pumping in preparations to stop in a few months. I’m done to ten minutes each side once at night, so I’m not getting much. Probably about 3 oz’s max now, compared to the 8-9 oz’s I was getting in my pumping heyday. I wasn’t worried about this before but now that she actually needs to drink a bit out of a cup each day, the pressure is on. I can thaw out what I have in the freezer, but it’s frozen in 6 oz portions and since you have to use it the same day, that means I’ll be tossing a bunch. Grr. And I reeeeaaaaalllllyyyy don’t want her doing juice every day yet, because SUGAR. I may lose that battle though. A bit of sugar is better than a miserable, hurting baby.
Topic two: The Heavy Weight of Infertility
I know, right? How did we go from baby poop to this?
Today we went to the grocery store to shop for dinners for the next week (I spent $40.00 yesterday just on stuff to help my kid poop: Pears, pear juice, prune juice, miralax, avocados, black beans, almond milk for smoothies). Charlie was in such a good mood and Chief had so much fun playing with her. He zoomed her around the aisles like she was a rocket ship and she giggled and kicked and we all just smiled the whole time.
They even kept it up on the way to the car. Chief and Charlie would chase after me and he would “crash” her into me whenever I let them catch me and she just giggled and exploded with laughter.
And the whole time, creeping into this incredibly wonderful family memory, was the thought that there was someone around us who could be hurting from seeing our joy. I know this because I was that person just a few years ago.
It’s a really complex situation, being a mother after infertility. We all know this. You’re not cured. It’s not like the flu-you don’t just move on with your life afterwards. I mean you do, but it’s still there. And I know that no one would expect me to not be happy or playful with my child in public or anywhere else. But it doesn’t change the fact that I think I will always feel a little guilty for it. I just wish that there was something floating above my head that says “she fought for this and it happened for her, and yes so much of it is luck, but maybe it can happen for you too.” I need a happiness disclaimer, and I wish that weren’t the case.