How Could I Ever Love Someone This Much Again?

I feel like I’m not here enough, and when I am it’s just to give you a boring rundown of my child’s sleep and poop. I’m real sorry about that. I don’t want to be that blogger. I really do want to be more. I went back and read some of my old posts and I think maybe I used to be funny?

Anyway, tonight’s post is not funny. Because I’ve been sitting here crying while looking at pictures of Charlie as a newborn. I went back and looked at those first pictures, read the comments of congratulations, tried to feel that hazy glow of happiness again. When Charlie woke up (after only being asleep for three hours-UGH SLEEP REGRESSION) to nurse I rushed in with teary eyes and picked up my squirming almost ten month old. She rarely curls into me like she did back then. She has her own agenda these days. I nursed her for 4.5 minutes (we’re starting the slow process of night weaning) and then got her to sort of doze on my chest. She’s changed so much even in the last month or so. Now she doesn’t want to cuddle me after nursing-she just wants to get back in bed. The girl likes her space-I can respect that.

I can count on one hand the amount of times she’s fallen asleep nursing in the last month-twice, and once just barely. This is good. she’s growing, she’s developing. She’s learning to be a bit independent. Do you know what she’s doing now? She’s trying to stand. She started crawling at exactly nine months, and about a week later she was learning how to get on her feet. She does it all day long in a downward facing dog sort of way, but I know it’s only a matter of time before she’s upright.

I love my child so much. I love my child so. much. I always thought that when people said they would die for someone they were just being dramatic, but I would die for my child. I would give her any body part she needed to survive. I worry about her constantly. I worry about everything she puts in her body. I worry about if she’s being ruined by having the TV on in the background.

I worry about what climate change is going to do to her future. I worry about what the state of American colleges will be in 18 years. I worry about the public schools she’ll be going to in just a few years. I worry about how I will handle discipline when it comes time. I worry about her because I love her. She is my most cherished gift, followed closely by her father.

And something I find myself worrying about with increasing intensity and frequency is the thought of having another baby.

For the sake of this post, let’s pretend like I don’t have major infertility issues and I’ll be able to get pregnant fairly quickly when/if we so choose to try again. To a certain extent, it makes sense to try soonish, because I’m already not working full time, so I could have another baby, stay out of work just one extra year or so, and then go back to my career like I planned. If we wait to try again then I’ll probably go back to work and have to make the decision that either a) I’m going to quit working again or b) the second kid just has to go to daycare.

I don’t even HAVE this second kid, and I already hate option b), if only because I want for second kid to have everything Charlie has had. But also then there’s the issue of raising two YOUNG children. Close together. That’s scary. Having a baby as Charlie is entering terrible twos and threenager stages? That’s really scary.

And what’s downright terrifying is the extreme fear I have of a) not being able to love a child as much as I have loved Charlie. I know that people say love is not finite, and that it just expands in a new and amazing way when you have a second child. But my heart just doesn’t feel that. Charlie is the most amazing child. I know we all feel that way about our kids, and I’ll tell you this-I look at all your kids and I smile, and I think they’re precious, and sweet, and I LOVE seeing their pictures. But you know I don’t think your kid is the best, I think MY kid is the best. I know you feel the same. That’s just the way it is.

So it’s hard for me to even conceptualize that another child of my own could be the best too. Does that make sense? Probably not? Chief and I have always wanted two kids. And in an abstract way I feel like that is still true. I’m just really terrified of the reality of it. You know my situation with my sister and mother wasn’t great growing up and very often isn’t great right now. I am terrified of screwing my kid(s) up just because I wanted a second.

I’m still nursing through the night so it’s not like this is really even a thing right now. I haven’t had a period yet, no rumblings of one either. I had some strange cramping a few months ago so I took an OPK and it was positive, but then I took one a week later and it was positive too, and then I remembered that I have PCOS and that having a baby didn’t cure me like I wish it had. This could all be moot. There’s a good chance I’ll never get pregnant again.

And maybe the fact that that makes me cry answers all of these questions and fears for me.


22 thoughts on “How Could I Ever Love Someone This Much Again?

  1. I know exactly how you feel. My first, was a struggle and a fear it would never happen. And I thought, if she’s all I ever have, it’s enough. And the bigger she got, the more I wanted another. Then she wanted a sibling but was too young to understand it wasn’t a choice to not have another. So I started working on me, I gave up sugar. I mean really did. And it was tough but I started losing weight and exercising and my PCOS started to calm itself. I was pretty regular – then I was late. And pregnant! And while it ended in a miscarriage and was the most awful, painful, emotional experience of my life, it fueled my desire to have another baby. And it gave me my Peyton. 10 years apart but I have my two.
    Don’t let your past fertility define you, you beat it once and got a beautiful child. You might regret not trying.

    • We’re already NTNP though I don’t know how much you can count what we’re doing as NTNP when we have absolutely no energy to have sex. Chief came back the other night and 8:30 and I had pumped and passed out. This sleep regression is a tough one, probably not aided by all her tummy issues. I guess I should say that the few times a month we manage to have sex we are not using any protection. I do think we’ll try again, though I won’t do treatments. I am considering asking for metformin again though. I just don’t want to get obsessed like I was. I don’t know that I would be a very good mother in that version of myself.

  2. Yeah I get this. I sometimes look at my son and wonder how could I find another human being, even if it is my baby, as wonderful as him. And then I look around at all the other parents of multiple kids and I know that it is possible. And you know, it’s not like there is a little side group going on where they say no it’s not true, it’s all lies, , you can’t love your second kid as much, but don’t tell anyone. So I believe this one is true. If anything, what I have been seeing more of lately is mums talking about becoming annoyed by their first born when the new baby arrives and feeling really guilty about that. And I think that is something I need to be careful of. I know the transition for my monkey is going to be tough as he has had so much of me for so long so I want to try and remember that when the new baby arrives.

    • I think it’s particularly hard for me because I grew up believing that my mom didn’t love me as much as my sister, and while I don’t necessarily believe that now, I do still believe that she doesn’t like me as much.

      • Yes I totally think your family situation adds a complicated layer to that. But as my psych said to me when I raised concerns about my relationship with my little girl when she arrives as my one with my mum is complicated: you are not your mother. And C is not your sister. You guys get to have your own story 🙂 x

  3. One hundred thousand times over I get this. Amora is still waaaaay too small for me to even consider another baby, but my husband talks about “when” we have another like it’s decided and will be super simple. Before her (and infertility) I always thought we would have 2-3 and now… Who knows. I don’t doubt that love multiplies when you have more kids, but I also KNOW that it won’t — it can’t possibly — be the same. What makes my heart ache is not dividing my love between 2, because I know that’s not a situation that requires division… It’s having to divide my time. Because reality. And reality is no child will ever have my full time and attention the way Amora does, ever. It doesn’t feel fair, to either kid, in my opinion. I’m the oldest and always hated it, but now I realize how it’s probably true what my family always said about that connection between a parent and their first baby being something so special it’s unlike anything else. I know “most” folks have more than one baby and for the most part we all come out no worse for the wear… But it makes my heart sink to think about saying goodbye to my daughter being my everything.

    • Yes, I was writing this really late and totally meant to write about how hard it will be for me not to be 100% about Charlie. Like I see it in my head and the second baby is like a kid I’m baby sitting and neglecting my daughter over. I know that’s illogical, but that’s where it is for me.

  4. I had a lot of these same feelings a few months ago. I just decided that if I was going to have another the best time for us was sooner rather than later. I decided I didn’t want to try on my own as I am still scarred from 4 years of failures so we went straight to FET after two months on Femara to compromise with my husband. Thankfully the FET worked and we’re due in Nov – the kiddos will be 23 months apart. Does that scare me? Yes. I know it will be ok though and once we get a rhythm going.

    You’ll figure our what’s best for you. I second going back on metformin for PCOS. My RE said the risk of endometrial cancer is 30% higher if not on birth control or metformin. I went right back on that when we started taking about TTC #2.

    • Yeah, I totally plan to have a total hysterectomy in my thirties to try and avoid all the cancers I’m at risk for. It’s pretty scary. I need to make an appt with my OB just to consult on all of this.

  5. I could have written much of this myself. You and I, girl–someday, we will sit down over a cup of coffee. I have these huge intense feelings about having a second child. I’ve tried to write about it, but it feels too big for paper. I look at Charlotte and I just can’t imagine ever loving another human being with the intensity that I love her. And how could a second baby ever be so damn amazing? And what sacrifices will C have to make if we have a second child? Sigh. So many big questions and no answers. We have 5 embryos frozen. Just sitting there waiting. Maybe someday I’ll be ready. Also, I asked my doctor for metformin when I went the other day. I’m actually hoping it will help me lose some of the weight I’ve been gaining thanks to domperidone.

    • My met was rxed by my RE, so I’m hoping that my OB will prescribe it anyway because I so don’t want to go back to the clinic. I wish we lived in the same place! We would be the best of mom friends.

      • Mine was from the RE too, so when I saw my doc I just explained everything and he was totally happy to give me the Rx. Hopefully your OB will be as easy as my doc was!

      • I bet he will. I’m also softening slightly on not doing any treatment, as in I MIGHT be amenable to doing letrozole under my OB’s care again. I just don’t want to go to my RE. He was nice, but I just don’t want to go back to that world again. It’s like some sort of trauma reaction or something.

      • I totally feel you. Thinking about going back to the RE physically pains me. We have no choice in the matter, unfortunately. They have our embryos! And I guess it’s not as if I can DIY an FET.

  6. Ditto. Maybe there is something about the 9/10 month mark where we realize our babies are growing up. I find myself flipping through pictures of him from his early days in the NICU when he was soooo tiny, and I can’t believe it. I practically cried the other day at the thought of cutting Chick’s hair because he “won’t be a baby anymore.” #crazymamaproblems

    Mr. O and I had the 2nd child conversation recently– I got my first pp period, though it was 6 weeks ago. Anyhoo, as much as it would be nuts to have two kids so close in age, I’m fairly certain I could handle it. I mean, 3 years of infertility and I’m still (more or less) in one piece? I feel practically invincible. 😉

  7. I’ve definitely had some of these thoughts, but the one thing I always tell myself – and I fully admit this is colored by having been an only child – is that I think a sibling is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kid. I KNOW not all sibling relationships are good (I’ve read about your sister and ugh, I’m sorry you have to deal with that crap), but many, many are. Even friends of mine who were at their sibling’s throat during adolescence have found a friend and partner in their sibs now that we’re adults. And my husband’s brother is his best friend. I have enormous worries about caring for my mom as she ages and there’s no one to fully share that with. Again, I know there are no guarantees, but the odds are good. Also, because you are so aware of what went on while you were growing up and would never allow one of your children to hurt the other, be unkind, etc., I don’t think you could possibly have a situation in your home like the one between you and your sister, even if your kiddos don’t turn out to be BFFs. You sound like a really thoughtful mama who parents with purpose, I think you’ll do great with two kids when the time comes.

  8. I’ve thought this so many times. I wonder how a baby could possibly be as incredible as Bruce and how my heart could possibly expand enough to love another baby this much.
    No period here, either. Also, no idea if we could have another. But I think about it all the time.

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