Not Giving Up

Y’all, I wish I could tell you that after I got pregnant I was that totally healthy, glowing, perfect preggo. I so wasn’t.

I gained a ton of weight while I was pregnant. The doctor never said anything about it but I know it was too much. Like in the 40-50 pound mark I’m guessing. I’m not keeping it from you, I HONESTLY don’t know how much I was at the end because at one point I just stopped looking when they weighed me because I did not want to know. I ostriched those last few weeks.

I lost my baby weight with relative ease though. I was lucky-it didn’t take long to get down to my starting weight. The problem was that a combination of Gonal-F and emotional eating had led to a weight gain of about 20 pounds in my last few cycles. Add in to that serious pregnancy saggy belly and humongously expanded hips (that’s what all that pain at the end was about I’m guessing) and, well, my body was something completely different from what it started out as.

And on top of all that, uh, I had a newborn who of course turned into an infant. I also had no energy and no desire to really work out. I tried a few times at the beginning when Charlie was still a sleepy babe. I would take her to the parents room at the gym in her stroller and let her snooze. But one time she woke up and started to cry and after that I didn’t try anymore. Which was DUMB because it was WAY easier to find time to work out when your baby was sleeping most of the day and night.

Oh, and because it totally makes sense, one of my reactions to being unhappy about my weight and body is to eat a whole lot. And not good stuff. So I just dug that hole a little further.

Add it all up and what you get is a deeply dissatisfied and self conscious librarian who is still wearing her maternity underwear and nightgowns all day because, while it’s all too big, nothing else she owns fits either.

I honestly don’t know how much I weigh right now. i don’t think it’s horrific, but I also don’t think I’m at my prepregnancy weight anymore. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow morning when I weigh in, because I’m taking this shit back.

Tonight in a fit of rage at myself for my treatment of my body over the last two years, I put Charlie in our new Lenny Lamb Mei Tai (yes, I have a baby carrier problem. I don’t need your judgement), put on my work out shoes, and power walked for thirty minutes. The whole time I was saying things like:

“You will NOT accept being fat just because you had a baby.”

You need to set a better example for your daughter.”

“You need to treat your body better because it gave you an amazing gift.”

“YOU ARE NOT GIVING UP ON YOURSELF.”

Charlie kept looking at me like I was crazy, but she really liked the walking lunges I added in periodically and giggled like mad at the bouncing.

One of my biggest problems is the whole SAHM thing. Right now it’s a fairly sedentary job. I work on my computer for the morning and charlie toodles around on the floor playing. She does that in the afternoon too. I can go on walks every day, but then what? We do storytime on Thursdays (though not this Thursday because my car is in the shop and I have to drive my dad’s land yacht which I’m not comfortable doing anymore than necessary). I’m tracked down a park that’s not within walking distance, but closeish so I can start taking her to it more, but the very nature of the beast is that my priority is her, and she needs floor time, and I have to supervise that. So that’s going to be a challenge and I am definitely open to suggestion on that.

Chief and I had already confronted our eating head on and we’ve done pretty well this week. Last night was sort of a cheat night because we ate out with my dad and had pizza, but I patted myself on the back for drinking water and not coke because I ALWAYS drink coke with pizza-it’s a thing, just ask the Captain. Tonight I made lasagna with lighter ingredients, and two nights ago we had spaghetti squash lasagna and it was excellent. Tomorrow night we’re having hawaiian barbecue chicken wraps. We’re trying.

I hope I can hold onto this attitude. It’s so hard on the really tired days. The reason I was able to make myself work out today was that Chief let me get a nap in this afternoon so I had an energy burst. Charlie is actually sleeping 8-9 hour stretches at night right now but I feel more tired than ever. i’ve read that when your baby starts to sleep better it can take a while for your body to adjust and you actually feel MORE tired. I’m proof positive of that, because I’m effing exhausted all the time. More so than when she was waking up 2-3 times a night.

Tips and suggestions are always welcome.

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40 thoughts on “Not Giving Up

  1. My weight is stupid right now even after shedding 25 lbs and I have negative time to do anything outside of complain about it at the moment.
    I recently (about 5/6 weeks ago) signed up for HelloFresh (kinda like blue apron) where they deliver 3 meals a week for two people and it’s mostly good stuff and cuts down on shopping and prep time. It’s gotten me from grazing on cabs, cereal, and takeout to eating a proper dinner with my husband. He loves it, too which is a plus. There’s also another company that offers the same type thing but all organic if that’s your thing. I also began yoga and it has helped with my belly which is a miracle since it’s been like a numb, rubbery, deflated balloon after my c section. I love the idea of walking and lunges with a carrier. I’ll have to try that! Good luck, momma. I’ll be watching this post for ideas as well.

      • Thanks but I did the HCG diet so it’s kinda like cheating. I lost all my baby weight and then put it ALL back on…and then some. It was NOT a good thing. My underwear looked like boat sails!
        We pay $69 a week all in for hello fresh and it isn’t cheap but it was cheaper than the Indian food and Italian take out we started getting into a habit of ordering. I *think* hello fresh and blue apron both offer a free first week which is nice to test drive it.

      • Do you ever have leftovers? Something I remind myself of when we spend $120 at the grocery store each week is that it almost always leaves enough for lunch the next day, so we’re getting four meals out of it at least. Chief even often takes stuff for the guys at work if it’s a giant crock pot thing.

      • Not generally. We’ve done the pastas and risotto and those leave leftovers but the proteins haven’t. We also like big portions (probably part of my issue!!!).

  2. Good on you for making positive change. Once you have suggestions I’m totally going to steal them! My weight gain is horrific and I’m not even done fattening up yet…

  3. As usual, I can relate. Big time. It’s so hard. I’ve been stress eating like crazy (exhaustion eating?). I am so jealous that Charlie is sleeping so well! That’s amazing! Hopefully your body will start to recover and you’ll start feeling better. I know a huge part of it for me is just that I’m stuck in a circle of feeling like crap.

  4. You should Google or search Trim Healthy Mama on Facebook. Or Gwen’s Nest has a lot of information on it. I got the book after months of following their Facebook page but haven’t started it yet bc it seems complicated at first. Apparently, once you get the hang of it, it works like gang busters and doesn’t leave you feeling deprived.

  5. All I can say is I wish I had gotten my act together when I was your age and my son was still little. I wasted so many years not enjoying my life or that of my son. I always had excuses as to why I couldn’t do this or that. When I reached my fifties and it all caught up to me and I could no longer avoid what I needed to do. I have lost 61 pounds so far. Like many of us moms I would lose a bit when I really tried and then gain that weight back. When I got pregnant with my son I was already 217 and over the years ballooned up to 250. So here is my hint for all of you and the one thing that finally worked for me. It is not a diet or a quick fix. It is a lifestyle change. Whatever you choose to do to lose the weight it has to be something that you can do for the rest of your life. You have to fit it in to your schedule. It doesn’t have to be monumental like 40 hours a week at a gym or eating 1000 calories a day by you do have to make healthy choices and you do have to move. I use MyFitnessPal to record my food – weigh and measure everything at first so it gives you an idea of portion sizes. If you are a SAHM then there are ways to fit a work out in while playing with your kids-I’ve recently seen some great videos on Facebook showing how you can turn play and housework in to a workout. Get a Fitbit or other tracker to count your steps. Most of all love who you are.

    • Thanks for the advice-i totally agree, nothing I can’t maintain.That’s always been a problem in the past. That’s why I wont do anything crazy like give up carbs or dairy. I just try to cut back and give myself little treats here and there to keep me from going crazy lol. Thanks for the encouragement. I find myself hiding from the camera and if I’m not careful there will be no pictures of me in my child’s life.

  6. I was waaaay more tired once my LO started sleeping through. I think your body stops functioning on adrenalin and works on catching up on the sleep debt it apparently doesn’t actually forget about. I had a similar situation with weight on and off that you are talking about here. I was in my pre pregnancy jeans REALLY quickly last time. Like I think it was something stupid like 3 weeks. It just fell off. But as I was breastfeeding I kept eating like I was pregnant. And I went on to put weight back on over those first 12 months. Even when I was in the pre preggo jeans too not all of my other clothes fit me or felt good. It take awhile for your pelvis to move back in again – it took 9 months to spread remember! And certain parts of your body will just be different or curvier or saggier or whatever. I ended up starting at the gym around the time Monkey was 14 months old. I found one with a creche and he really enjoyed it there and we just went 4 days per week. The creche offers floor time and toys and all sorts of stuff and there were other kids and he was always really happy there and I wound up as trim and terrific as I’d ever been which was nice! It felt good. It all went to hell once we were on the infertility train but it was easy before that ride so I know i can do it again. Good luck! Good for you for looking after yourself and working on being healthy.

    • I mean, it feels dumb to complain about Charlie letting me get more sleep, but damn I’m tired. I even took an FRER the other day just to be sure. Nope. Not pregnant. Just tired lol.

      I am THAT mom who is afraid of letting her child touch the toys at the gym. Now that she’s mobile I could put her in the little play area and watch her, but GERMS!!!

      • Haha good for the immune system 😉 Seriously though there is always more risk when you start hanging out with other kids and we did get our fair share of awful bugs after starting daycare and once from an indoor play centre. But mostly we seemed to do ok 🙂 I’d do it again but I’m not a germaphobe either so there is that.

  7. I might sign up for a local class that is pole walking while baby wearing. Thought it sounded cool. As for meals, I got together with a few friends and did freezer meals one weekend. It’s really helped to have healthy, quick options to throw in the crock pot or on the BBQ. It’s really reduced the amount of eating out we do. I also try (but don’t often succeed) to limit the junk in the house. I may have developed an addiction to making homemade cookies though. Who can resist the taste and smell of a gooey chocolate chip? Looking forward to seeing what works for you. With the nicer weather coming, I’m sure getting out will get easier.

  8. Good for you!! I am 6 weeks in to taking my life back regarding my weight and pretty satisfied with the results thus far. I work full time so I have to get my work-outs in after G goes to bed for the night which is hard because I am so tired but I have only missed one day in those 6 weeks! It’s worth it 🙂 You got this girl!!!

  9. Good for you for getting serious. Did you ever try Paleo? I’ve heard women with PCOS that had great success with it. Exercise is great for your health, even if you don’t lose weight, any amount is amazing for keep it up!

    • I’ve looked into it but I know I wouldn’t be able to stick to it long term, so I don’t want to start something I know I can’t maintain. I’m just trying to curb the bad stuff significantly (sugar, carbs) and increase the fruits and veggies. That’s what works for me usually. i just have to be better about not becoming complacent once I get the weight off.

      • I hear you! It’s good you know your limits. Check out fitnessblender.com They have free workout videos that are very easy to follow. Their website is very user friendly.

  10. Oh, I SO hear this! I’m still tired and E has been sleeping through the night for months now.

    Can totally sympathize with the weight gain…for having barely made it into the 3rd trimester, I gained an impressive amount of weight (some of that was because in the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy, I was eating around the clock to try to put weight on the baby since we knew she’d be premature). And while I’m back down to about 6 lbs above where I started, it’s the body shape changes like what you’re describing that are tricky. One of the biggest things I had to do in the whole thing was acknowledge that my body had changed and go ahead and get one or two inexpensive outfits that worked with the new shape and made me feel good wearing. I also let go of some clothes that no matter how much weight I lost just weren’t going to work any more.

    Sounds like you’re doing a lot of good things, though! It’s all the small, manageable changes that are sustainable in the long term that wind up adding up to healthy habits.

    • Yeah, i weighed myself this morning and I was only four pounds up from preprego weight, but tell my saggy belly that, you know? It’s the worst. I’ve definitely had to buy some new clothes and I hate that because I have a ton of beautiful stuff a few sizes down.

  11. Good for you to first, recognize that there is a problem and secondly, want to do better about it. I’m lucky enough that we have a home gym. Is there anyway you could pick up a used treadmill? They are all over Craigslist for cheap. Boring but at least its movement and easier to do with a little one. Or google some videos and try a new video. I will do that a lot with the little one on the floor and she finds it hilarious while I get a workout in! Good luck and keep it up!

    • Chief and I have talked multiple times about getting either a treadmill or an eliptical, but unless we could fold it up and put it under the couch we just literally have no room. Our house is so full. That’s why we’re hoping to buy another one by the end of the year (fingers crossed).

  12. My daughter slept through the night starting around 2.5 months old. While I was better rested than most mothers, I found that it wasn’t until I stopped breastfeeding that a normal night of sleep was enough. I was eager to start running after my c-section and did great with the whole running thing until we started trying for #2 and then I just ate and sat. After #2 is born I need to get back on the running train (after healing from another c-section of course) as that is really the best way that I lose weight.

    • 2.5 months!? Awesome! We’re not through the night, but she usually doesn’t get really mad at me till around 3:30 am. She’ll occasionally wake up before that but she only fusses for a few minutes before going back to sleep. She goes to bed at 7:00, so it’s about eight and a half to nine hours of straight sleep for her which is amazing. i wish i could run. I’ve tried so many times but it’s incredibly uncomfortable with me with my ginormous bazoingas. I’ve strapped them down every which way but then I can’t breathe. The best I can do is elliptical running because of the zero impact.

  13. When I was on maternity leave I went to Baby Boot Camp classes and they were awesome. The kids play right around you as you workout. Not sure if there is one around you, but definitely check it out.

  14. Go you!!!!!!! Having C in my life I’ve really been conscious about the way I talk about myself at any given moment, so declare those positive affirmations loud and proud! Doing that you are setting a great example of being strong for Charlie!! 😘😘

  15. Good for you to want to start on a change! Please refer me back to this post and the advice you got early next year when I’m complaining about the same things! 😉

  16. You may or may not want to look at Ftmommyjones on f.bk. I am not her or connected to that program but she is also a relatively new mommy woking on diet and exercise.

  17. Ugh, I hear you! I have always been pretty skinny and to lose a few pounds was a breeze and no big deal. I had twin 10 1/2 months ago and had gained about 60 lbs during my pregnancy… my body will never be the same and its super depressing.
    BUT I am on round 2 of the 21 day fix and it is a life changer. I make my meals for the whole week on Sunday and then every day, I know exactly what I am supposed to eat that day and it is already made and ready for me to eat. I find that to be the best part of it, otherwise I am scouring the pantry/fridge and end up grabbing a box of crackers or something else ridiculously unhealthy because I am too lazy or tired to spend time making something healthy.

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