Up and Down

Yesterday morning my sister texted me saying that she had some friends who were interested in our house. I was cautiously pleased. Interested is just, well, interested. It’s not in love or anything. They asked if they could come and see it. I told her they would need to check with the realtor but that I was fine with them coming that day. They set up to see the house at 5:30 pm.

Chief and I had appointments set to see FIVE houses in a town about 30 minutes north where I went to college. There’s a good high way to get to the base without a lot of traffic, and some of our best friends, M and L, live there, so we’ve been considering it. I really had not wanted to see more listings like I said in my last post. It never goes anywhere because we’re trying to get an offer on our house, so what’s the point? Luckily I didn’t see anything yesterday that I fell in love with, but in the meantime I did get my hopes really high about the viewing on our house. My sister said they really liked the pictures and the fact that they wanted to see it the same day they first saw the listing seemed promising.

We got home around 4:45 pm and did the last minute things we needed to do-made sure the floors were super clean, dumped the litter boxes out completely, locked the cats in crates (sorry cats), got the baby into the car with me and the dogs into the car with Chief, and at 5:20 we drove away. I drove back by at 5:25 and the realtors car was there but I didn’t check again after that. Charlie and I went to the fabric store and Chief just drove around town. At 6:00 when I hadn’t heard anything I texted our realtor to see if Chief could go home, she checked with the realtor who showed the house and she said they were out.

So Chief went home and released the animals and I headed that way myself. And then we waited for the call we just KNEW was coming to say they wanted to make an offer. And we waited. And waited. And waited. I had asked my realtor if there was any feedback and SEVERAL HOURS LATER she texted back to say that according to the realtor who showed the house they hadn’t really said anything when they saw it.

I went to bed feeling pretty dejected. I know I’m not handling this well, but our area is not really popular, especially not with young people. It’s an older person and military community. Not a lot of home buying potential there, so any showing is something to leap upon with hope and, quite frankly, a bit of desperation.

I texted K today to ask her if she had heard anything and she said she would casually ask them what they thought without making it sound like it was coming from me. She said that they really liked the house and thought it was beautiful, but they had just started looking. So that’s something. It’s not an automatic no, but I do feel like when viewing houses the first one is like the first pancake-it usually gets thrown out.

While I don’t like being anyone’s first pancake, at least we had one showing. I’m not looking forward to doing it again. The cats were not happy with their lot in life, and I have no idea how I’ll do this if it’s during the day and Chief can’t help me. I’ve been pretty down about it today but I’ve gradually picked myself back up and I even did some sewing today. It’s like I’ve been afraid to live my life in my house for fear of messing it up, but I can’t just tiptoe around my own home. It could be months before it sells, and life goes on.

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The Things That Make Me Cry Today

  1. We’re planning Charlie’s birthday party. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was ordering $35.00 worth of bulk tissue paper (it’ll buy you about 400 sheets btw) in various colors to make tissue paper flowers to decorate. I made the facebook event and invited my close family and a very few close friends. Today I found out that my dad was really angry that I didn’t invite any of his family. We’re not close-they don’t invite us to their kids birthday parties. I thought about it, but I thought the invite would be perceived as a “please give me a gift” invite, so I didn’t invite them. I can’t REMEMBER the last time we went to one of their kids birthdays-I think it was when my baby cousin, who is now 19, turned one. So anyway, my dad flew off the handle at my sister about it who apparently explained to him why I probably didn’t invite them and he calmed down. I’m grateful that she did that, but I’m so angry at him that if he was mad at me he couldn’t just call me and ask me about it. He went behind my back like a teenager.
  2. I found out all of this from my mother. For once my sister was a grown up and didn’t immediately text me trying to take credit for doing a good thing. No, my mother decided to use it as a bargaining chip in the “you should like your sister better” battle. So the good news for mom is that it worked A LITTLE. The bad news for mom is that it hasn’t done her any favors in my eyes, because she told me something really upsetting that, frankly, I didn’t even need to know.
  3. Our house has been on the market for five days and no one wants to look at it. In the meantime, my husband has wanted to go look at house after house. I’ve found one that I really love and wanted to put a contingent offer on today, but he didn’t want to because he wants to see more and he wants to wait until we have an offer on our house. I told him we could go to the viewings my realtor has scheduled for us tomorrow because I don’t want to cancel at the last minute, but that after that I don’t want to look at any more until he’s ready to put an offer in on something. It’s too hard to get so attached to a house and picture our family in it and then just have it not actually be an option, or worse, get purchased by someone else who can actually buy a home right now.
  4. I yelled at Charlie tonight and I feel like the shittiest mom in the world. I’ve gotten close before, but I have never yelled at her. She woke up from her nap in a terrible mood. She wouldn’t stop crying, and I had fallen asleep for the last 30 minutes of her nap so I was groggy and I just needed to pee, but she wouldn’t stop crying, so I hurried up and scooped her up to nurse her and calm her down, but it’s like it wasn’t coming out fast enough for her and she was digging her fingers into my boobs really hard to where one almost bled. After removing her hand for about the tenth time she threw a fit on my lap and started sobbing and kicking me and I yelled “NO. STOP.” to which she started crying even harder and I felt like a monster. I snapped out of it and tried to comfort her and she did calm down, but shit if I haven’t felt like the worst mother in the world for the last five hours. We had dinner with the captain and everything was fine, but I’m pretty sure the look on my eleven month old child’s face as her mother yelled at her while she was crying will haunt me forever.
  5. I think I know it’s time to deal with this. All of my reactions to this can be chalked up to some anxiety issues that we all know I struggle with. I need to make an appointment with my doctor and I wish tomorrow wasn’t Saturday because now I have two days to talk myself out of it.

If you needed convincing

Don’t smoke. And especially not in your house.

Our house is on the market but no one is looking, so we’re doing one last project-repainting the disgusting downstairs den that his dad spent 20 years smoking in. Chief uses it as a workshop now. I hate being in there because it’s so gross.

See the difference? See where a picture was hanging?


Also, apparently a pipe had to be replaced at some point and his dad literally covered the hole with a picture, so that was a fun surprise:


So that’s one of the reasons why it’s been radio silence over here. Trying to sell my house that no one wants to buy. The rest of it is so beautiful and clean, might as well make this room look at least…well, clean. I don’t think it will ever be beautiful.

The Baby Fell Off The Bed

And I feel like everything has changed.

Let’s back up.

We’re tired guys. I know that’s the most obvious statement a parent can make, but we’re really, really tired. We’re working literally around the clock getting the house ready, taking care of charlie, doing the work we GET PAID for, Chief is finishing up school-it’s the most we’ve ever busted our asses ever. And to top it off, last night there were tornado warnings and I wasn’t going to go to sleep until the storms settled down. I was afraid if I did we might miss the notification to take our tornado precautions. So I was up until 1:00 am anyway.

This morning Charlie woke up around 7:00 am like she normally does. We usually sit and cuddle and play in bed for about 15 minutes. It gives me a chance to wake up and she seems to enjoy it. This morning though, I must have been so tired that I dozed back off. Until I heard a sickening thump followed by frantic sobbing.

I’ve never gotten out of bed so fast in my entire life. She had fallen off on Chief’s side and I found her flat on her back crying her head off. I scooped her up (which in hindsight, I should have checked her a bit more carefully before just picking her up like that) and immediately started running my hands over her body to check her. Arms working? Check. Collar bone ok? Check. Ribs seem good. Legs are okay. Finally, I ran my hands over and over and over again over her head. No lumps or bumps. I watched her for 15 minutes-no bruises or red marks. She calmed down after about a minute. It seemed like she was okay. I put a frustrating call into the after hours line at my doctors office where the lady did not want to send me over to the doctor because the office would be open in an hour. i’m sorry, if I’m willing to pay the $10.00 to talk to my doctor right now what does she care? I actually hung up on her. I don’t do stuff like that, but I was frustrated and frantic. I called when they were open and they took foooreeeever to call back. By the time they did I had already figured out that she was probably fine. In fact we were at Target shopping by then.

She never lost consciousness. She hasn’t thrown up. she DID take a two hour nap this morning which had me panicking. I actually checked to make sure she was breathing which I haven’t done since she was a newborn. I had to wake her up at two hours. I couldn’t take any more than that.

So she’s fine. I know it’s a thing that happens all. the. time. Babies fall. Mobile babies especially. Chief says I need to stop beating myself up about it, and that it probably won’t happen again because now I’ll be extra vigilant. We have a bed rail on my side and we could get one on his, but there’s no way to close in every edge of the bed and all the gaps that I know of.

We could stop letting her in our bed. She’s gone from being in bed with us for eight hours down to about three. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to get her to sleep in her bed the whole night.

I know in my head this isn’t a reflection of what kind of mother I am. Accidents happen. This won’t be the last time I make a mistake when it comes to my kid. By a long shot. In fact today, in addition to her falling off the bed I had to call poison control because she ate the head off of a match (she’s fine) and I fucked up her nap and she screamed and cried about it, then I accidentally woke her up when I tried to creep back in to turn on her sound machine because I forgot. I’m a big old mess today. And I’ll have other days like this.

And while my head fully understands this point, my heart does not. My heart feels like a negligent mother. My heart felt the judgement in the nurse’s voice on the phone, whether it was there or not. My heart couldn’t let me fess up to what happened to my mother when she called me today. My heart hurts because I let pain befall my child. My heart hurts because my child could have been seriously hurt. My child could have hit her head in such a way that it could have led to lasting damages. She could have hurt her neck in such a way that could have led to lasting damages, and far fetched though it may be, my heart can’t help but acknowledge that because of something I did today, my child could have died.

It took me that entire paragraph to work up the courage to type that last word. But it’s true. My child could have died today because I was tired. I was too tired to have my daughter in bed with me. I know the safe cosleeping guidelines, and I disregarded them today, and if something seriously bad had happened to my daughter it would have been my fault.

Tonight when Charlie wakes up around 4:00 am, I don’t know what I’ll do. Chief and I have been talking about it and he thinks it’s ok and that I won’t let it happen again, but I don’t trust myself anymore. Because I let this happen. I’m not beating myself up to be a martyr. I’m doing it to protect my daughter. I’m going to do my best to be cognizant enough to make a choice when Charlie wakes up tonight. I’m going to try to recognize in myself if I am too tired to let her get in bed with me. I’m going to try and trust myself to protect my child better than I protected her this morning.

And finally, I’m going to try and forgive myself, but honestly that’s what I’m having the hardest time with tonight.

House Stuff and Other Stuff

House Stuff

I met with our realtor last week as you know. I wanted to go into a bit more detail about what we talked about. She was recommended by our banker and I love her. Seriously. She has three cats and a dog so she understands some of our challenges and was realistic-she knew we couldn’t take the cats with us for showings. She’s selling her house right now too and she said she doesn’t take hers. Hers go outside though so that’s a bit easier. She said for us it was fine to crate the cats and take the dogs with me. She said serious buyers wouldn’t be turned off by it unless the house smelled bad, which of course it will be my goal for that not to be the case.

We settled on a listing price which is okay with me. We were basically on the same page. She said that our community is a bit of a tough sell, but not impossible, and that listings are sort of all over the place as far as how quickly they sell. Like one really small house sold in six days. A house closer to our size took 303 days to sell. Yeesh. I definitely don’t want to fall on that side of things, but really who knows.

Chief worked super hard this weekend and got the outside looking amazing. Unfortunately it’s raining all this week so we’ll have a bit of clean up to do, but it’s supposed to be clear Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We’re having the listing photos done on Sunday so that gives it Friday and Saturday to dry out. I cut the roses all back today so that they’ll spend their energy over the week making new blooms rather than spending it on old blooms (that’s a handy rose tip btw-cutting off old flowers pushes the energy back into the plant to create new blossoms). I’m hoping by Sunday it’ll look as gorgeous as it did this last weekend. EVERYTHING was blooming.

This week we’re turning our focus inward and getting the inside clean and finishing up a few projects-hanging a few doors, finishing up some trim we just never did, hanging a ceiling fan. It’s challenging because Chief works full time and this is his last week of school. We’re both going to bed exhausted every day but it will be worth it if the house sells quickly–or at all honestly. It is a challenge keeping things clean with a baby. She literally follows behind me and messes up what I clean. Today she threw ALL of her clean laundry out of one basket while I had my back turned hanging things up. I couldn’t help but laugh but man, it’s pretty illustrative of what it’s been like these last few days.

The cleaning lady is coming tomorrow to “evaluate” our project, which makes me nervous!

Other Stuff

So, I told you guys that M and his wife went into the hospital two weeks ago because she had high blood pressure and was 36 weeks 1 day, right? Right. Well she did, but she got released. They determined she didn’t have preeclampsia, but that she did have pregnancy hypertension. they scheduled her to be induced this Friday.

Well they never made it there because she went into labor last Monday. The baby came in like 12 hours. he was 7 lbs and seemed perfectly healthy, but they kept him under a warmer just as a matter of course since he was a bit early. They had always said that they would want us to come visit them at home as soon as they got there because that’s what they did with us. They asked to come see Charlie two hours after we got home from the hospital and we welcomed them with open arms.

Anyway, they didn’t get to go home right away. They kept them an extra day because of him being a bit early. Then on the third day his bilirubin was up, but not up enough to do the lamps, so they kept them another day to check that, and then the next day the bilirubin was up more so they did lamps. Finally they went home on Thursday afternoon and put on fb that they didn’t want any visitors. So I wasn’t offended by that. They’d had a bit of an ordeal.

M had been texting me all through their time in the hospital keeping me up to date and had said that he would let us know when we could come visit. i didn’t push or even ask to come at all. I’ve made freezer meals for them and I had bought some stuff to make a fruit salad because I had such awful digestion issues and I thought that would help. The fruit has gone bad now but that’s okay. But now I’m sort of wondering what the next move is.

Honestly, we don’t have time to go this week. They live 40 minutes away and every spare minute is being spent getting our house ready. But also, they’re not asking. I don’t want them to think that the ball is in my court since they said they would let us know when we could visit, but I also don’t want them to have forgotten that they said that and think that we don’t want to visit. Surely not-I mean, they know we made food for them, right?

Honestly my feelings were a bit hurt when he was first born because, while M had been keeping us up to date about her labor and everything, I found out the baby was here via facebook. When Charlie was born we texted them and our other close friends before we posted anything. I know everyone is different, but we consider them to be some of our best friends and we can’t really decide these days if those feelings are reciprocated.

Obviously I’m not a big enough jerk to mention any of this to them because, hello, they just had a baby. L (M’s wife) texted me Saturday and Sunday about non baby related stuff and then we talked a bit about baby stuff, so if she had wanted to invite us up she could have.

It’s just hard. I had to really deal with some tough emotions over this. I actually bawled the night before he was born because I’m struggling lately with whether or not we’ll be able to have a second. I had to really psych myself up to be JUST excited and let the jealousy go. None of this is their fault or their responsibility to manage, but it makes their sort of lackadaisical response to our friendship harder to deal with.

So that’s the House Stuff and the Other Stuff. I’ll take any and all advice on either.

Oh F*ck

Y’all…..getting your house ready for sale is a lot of work.

We’re busting it getting as much moved into storage as possible. I’ve accepted that I won’t also have the time to get it listing-clean before we need to get it listed, so I’m booking a cleaning lady for late next week with the hopes to have the house listed by next weekend. We also have to get the outside cleaned up to get our curb appeal up since our area is not the most popular to live in. As my realtor said, we need to get them in to see how much work we’ve done.

And it’s a ranch style home, which is sort of whomp whomp. One house in my neighborhood sold in six days, but it was tiny and cheap. The one that is most comparable size and price wise to ours took 303 days. Gulp.

And then there’s the pet stuff. It looks like the cats will get crated and the dogs will end up in the car with Charlie and I for every. showing.

So…happy (and quick!) home selling thoughts please?