The Things That Make Me Cry Today

  1. We’re planning Charlie’s birthday party. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was ordering $35.00 worth of bulk tissue paper (it’ll buy you about 400 sheets btw) in various colors to make tissue paper flowers to decorate. I made the facebook event and invited my close family and a very few close friends. Today I found out that my dad was really angry that I didn’t invite any of his family. We’re not close-they don’t invite us to their kids birthday parties. I thought about it, but I thought the invite would be perceived as a “please give me a gift” invite, so I didn’t invite them. I can’t REMEMBER the last time we went to one of their kids birthdays-I think it was when my baby cousin, who is now 19, turned one. So anyway, my dad flew off the handle at my sister about it who apparently explained to him why I probably didn’t invite them and he calmed down. I’m grateful that she did that, but I’m so angry at him that if he was mad at me he couldn’t just call me and ask me about it. He went behind my back like a teenager.
  2. I found out all of this from my mother. For once my sister was a grown up and didn’t immediately text me trying to take credit for doing a good thing. No, my mother decided to use it as a bargaining chip in the “you should like your sister better” battle. So the good news for mom is that it worked A LITTLE. The bad news for mom is that it hasn’t done her any favors in my eyes, because she told me something really upsetting that, frankly, I didn’t even need to know.
  3. Our house has been on the market for five days and no one wants to look at it. In the meantime, my husband has wanted to go look at house after house. I’ve found one that I really love and wanted to put a contingent offer on today, but he didn’t want to because he wants to see more and he wants to wait until we have an offer on our house. I told him we could go to the viewings my realtor has scheduled for us tomorrow because I don’t want to cancel at the last minute, but that after that I don’t want to look at any more until he’s ready to put an offer in on something. It’s too hard to get so attached to a house and picture our family in it and then just have it not actually be an option, or worse, get purchased by someone else who can actually buy a home right now.
  4. I yelled at Charlie tonight and I feel like the shittiest mom in the world. I’ve gotten close before, but I have never yelled at her. She woke up from her nap in a terrible mood. She wouldn’t stop crying, and I had fallen asleep for the last 30 minutes of her nap so I was groggy and I just needed to pee, but she wouldn’t stop crying, so I hurried up and scooped her up to nurse her and calm her down, but it’s like it wasn’t coming out fast enough for her and she was digging her fingers into my boobs really hard to where one almost bled. After removing her hand for about the tenth time she threw a fit on my lap and started sobbing and kicking me and I yelled “NO. STOP.” to which she started crying even harder and I felt like a monster. I snapped out of it and tried to comfort her and she did calm down, but shit if I haven’t felt like the worst mother in the world for the last five hours. We had dinner with the captain and everything was fine, but I’m pretty sure the look on my eleven month old child’s face as her mother yelled at her while she was crying will haunt me forever.
  5. I think I know it’s time to deal with this. All of my reactions to this can be chalked up to some anxiety issues that we all know I struggle with. I need to make an appointment with my doctor and I wish tomorrow wasn’t Saturday because now I have two days to talk myself out of it.

4 thoughts on “The Things That Make Me Cry Today

  1. Oh you poor thing. It sounds like you are having a right time of it. Unfortunately from time to time you will yell at your kids, even though you would rather not. By being aware of it and knowing you do t want to do it I have no doubt you will be able to keep it to a minimum. You are a good mum and your child is clearly loved xx

  2. Sorry you’re having such a rough week. Don’t be too discouraged, it’s only been a few days since your house has been up!! We had our townhouse on the market for over a month, and literally had 4 people come look at it. The last one put an offer…just shows you that it doesn’t take a ton of lookers, just takes one right one. I agree it isn’t fair to go look at houses if you can’t put an offer in…the market changes so fast, you never know how long something will be available. As for C…she’s small, she won’t remember it forever, try to forgive yourself. I’m sorry your family is being difficult again. I’ve actually been wanting to ask how things have been going, since you haven’t talked about them lately, but didn’t want to pry. I hope next week goes better for you! *hugs*

  3. First of all – I hope you will share some pics of those tissue flowers! You’re so creative!!

    But….I’m sorry you’ve had a tough week of it 😔 it sounds like you need to schedule in a little bit of ‘you’ time??!

    You’re a wonderful mum with a big heart – you shouldn’t beat yourself up about this.

    Wishing you better luck with the house this week X

  4. The flowers sound lovely. The boob scratch/grab is really painful. I’ve come away looking like I got in a fight with some random neighborhood cat. Yelling at babies is a terrible feeling but you are only human. It has or will happen to every mom. Charlie knows how much you love her.

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