Well, maybe a little.
I have meant to sit down and type a post probably about 10 times in the last few weeks, but everything is sort of on the heavy right now and I’m just sort of trying to maybe not deal with it. But here goes:
1. My Weight: I don’t know what it is, but it can’t be good. It just can’t. I am literally afraid to step on a scale. I feel so heavy. It’s not that everything doesn’t fit, but some things don’t and that’s bad enough to make me go into serious hating myself mode (I know that’s not healthy, but that’s my brain). I had resolved a while back to workout and diet but then my breastmilk supply seriously tanked and I got freaked out. What I should have done was just stop counting calories so closely, eat healthy and go to the gym and probably I’d be pretty happy with myself.
Instead I did what is pretty typical for me, which is get depressed, eat my feelings (a lot) and not exercise. So I’m back to square one. Last week I went to the gym once. Not really an accomplishment, but I guess it’s better than nothing. I’m going to go tomorrow. I’M GOING TO GO TOMORROW. And my goal this week is to go three times before Sunday is over with. So I could go Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday, or Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday or something like that. There are options. I’m not counting calories. I’m just trying to be better and keep the bad stuff out of the house.
I eat when I’m stressed, sad, happy, bored, etc. It’s not healthy. I know it’s not healthy. I need to get it under control.
2. My Dad: Ugh. I’m going to try to make this short because it’s kind of long in reality. Basically my dad broke up with his long time girlfriend, B, last year in the fall. He then very quickly got back together with his post high-school-before-my-mom girlfriend, who we’ll call Cali (because she’s from California). She lives across the country but this was no obstacle to him. He’s spent a fortune traveling to see her, and she’s done her fair share. The difference is she has a dead husband who left her a lot of money so that she can afford it-my dad cannot. I’m sure he’s dug himself deep into debt because he’s seriously gone all the time. Within a month or two they were engaged and now she’s moving here this summer and they’re getting married in the fall.
I’ve met her maybe twice…and it’s not love. I don’t hate her. She’s fine. But I don’t know her. And my dad keeps going on and on about how excited she is to be a grandmother because she doesn’t have any kids and how they’re going to set up a room in their new house just for Charlie and on and on and on and I’m nodding and smiling and in my head I’m going “But I don’t KNOW her!” How can he marry someone I don’t know? She is NOT Charlie’s grandmother.
I’m trying to not be the bratty daughter who doesn’t want daddy getting married. That’s not what this is at all. I just feel like she is priority number one and he is not at all concerned what our feelings about it are. My sister has latched on like the leech that she is and now Cali is giving her her truck and all sorts of other stuff and I just won’t do that. I’m not going to pretend to like her so that I can get stuff. Maybe once she gets here it will be better but as of right now I’m feeling ominous at best about how quickly this as gone and how deep my dad is.
3. My Damn House: We’ve been on the market for 23 days and had one showing, and that was to my sister’s friends. One damn showing. I’m beginning to regret my choice in realtor and I’m damn tired of people telling me to be patient, it takes time, etc. I get that. i didn’t expect it to sell overnight, but damn, I hoped some people would at least want to come see it and give me some feedback. It’s hard to try and keep it super clean all the time and I’m failing. I keep it picked up, but it’s not immaculate like it was. If someone wants to come see it they’ll just have to give us a bit of notice.
I emailed our realtor last week asking her if we should be concerned or doing anything different. She didn’t get back to me, so a few days later I forwarded my first email and just said “Did you get this email?” and signed my name. She emailed me back within an hour saying not to be worried, she wasn’t yet, it takes time. The end.
Am I seriously going to pay her 6.5% to just list my house on Realtor.com and hope for the best? Because that fucking sucks.
We’re talking about dropping the price if we don’t have any interest in another month, but I am afraid of seeming desperate.
4. Money: This one I’m probably stressing over more than is necessary. It’s just a bit tight over the summer. I know this is a common issue for lots of families. We won’t get a GI Bill supplement until August and throwing Charlie’s birthday party next weekend is expensive. It’s funny what being tight meant to me before the baby came and after. Now I can have a lot more money in the bank than I used to and still feel panicky. I know we’ll be okay, but it’s just one more thing that’s piling on.
5. Chief: This is okay now, and it was probably maybe a little created in my head to a certain extent, but Chief and I had a big fight week before last. It started with me being bothered by no one wanting to come see the house and him acting like it was no big. From there I spiraled into “DON’T YOU KNOW HOW HARD I’M WORKING TO KEEP IT CLEAN FOR THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T COMING TO SEE IT?!” and when I spiral Chief tends to hermit crab himself away until it’s safe, which is ALWAYS a bad choice. The correct choices are a) fight back you coward! or b) grovel, grovel like hell.
No, he just stopped talking hoping it would be better. Then for the rest of the night he acted like nothing was wrong when it SO CLEARLY WAS DAMNIT. Then he came to bed and I finally said “DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S WRONG?!” and he sort of halfheartedly responded, and then fell asleep, at which point I RAGE QUIT myself out on the couch where I slept because I was so mad at him, sort of over nothing.
Here is the real truth though-I have issues with Chief’s love language (I think that’s what it is). Is it possible to not have one? I thank him constantly. Every chore he does, every task he completes-every damn time he takes the trash out I think him. He does not do that. He never thanks me. It does not mean he is not grateful, and I realize that, but I am a verbal show-er of love and he is 110% firmly not.
And the thing is, I sort of do a lot around here. I should-I’m the SAHM, but I’m also the WAHM who works 20 hours a week from home, plus another 5-10 outside of the home, PLUS the whole raising our child, but on top of that I still cook all of our meals and do the majority of the cleaning, which I don’t begrudge, but damnit I need to be thanked and appreciated just oh so very occasionally. And it would be nice to be told that he still finds me attractive every once in a while. And this stupid fight that started from one small thing turned into I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.
The next day I basically had an emotional breakdown. He had a half day at work (it was the Friday before Memorial Day) and he came home and said he was going to take Charlie out for a while so I could have some “space” and I said that I did not want that and started to cry, so then he said he would just take her out to grab us some lunch which I didn’t want either. He picked me up something anyway and after staring at it for ten minutes in silence I started to SOB full tilt at the table in front of my child who didn’t seem to understand enough to get upset herself luckily.
After that I guess things got sort of resolved, except I don’t know that I see much of a difference. And I know it’s just the way it is and I need to just learn to deal but it’s so. damn. hard. to not feel appreciated. At least when I worked full time I got the yearly evaluation where the Captain told me how much she loved me but in more professional terms. I don’t get that now. I get lots of baby smiles and giggles and those are goddamn wonderful for the soul, but otherwise it’s sort of a thankless job, and I just need some thanks every once in a while for my thankless job. Is that too much to ask?
This is so damn long, and I’m sorry it’s so damn long AND so damn depressing. Despite all of this we really are doing ok. Charlie turns one in eight days and I’m dying a little but luckily the party prep is a distraction from all the feels I’m having about it.
Till we meet again.