Am I Avoiding You?

Well, maybe a little.

I have meant to sit down and type a post probably about 10 times in the last few weeks, but everything is sort of on the heavy right now and I’m just sort of trying to maybe not deal with it. But here goes:

1. My Weight: I don’t know what it is, but it can’t be good. It just can’t. I am literally afraid to step on a scale. I feel so heavy. It’s not that everything doesn’t fit, but some things don’t and that’s bad enough to make me go into serious hating myself mode (I know that’s not healthy, but that’s my brain). I had resolved a while back to workout and diet but then my breastmilk supply seriously tanked and I got freaked out. What I should have done was just stop counting calories so closely, eat healthy and go to the gym and probably I’d be pretty happy with myself.

Instead I did what is pretty typical for me, which is get depressed, eat my feelings (a lot) and not exercise. So I’m back to square one. Last week I went to the gym once. Not really an accomplishment, but I guess it’s better than nothing. I’m going to go tomorrow. I’M GOING TO GO TOMORROW. And my goal this week is to go three times before Sunday is over with. So I could go Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday, or Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday or something like that. There are options. I’m not counting calories. I’m just trying to be better and keep the bad stuff out of the house.

I eat when I’m stressed, sad, happy, bored, etc. It’s not healthy. I know it’s not healthy. I need to get it under control.

2. My Dad: Ugh. I’m going to try to make this short because it’s kind of long in reality. Basically my dad broke up with his long time girlfriend, B, last year in the fall. He then very quickly got back together with his post high-school-before-my-mom girlfriend, who we’ll call Cali (because she’s from California). She lives across the country  but this was no obstacle to him. He’s spent a fortune traveling to see her, and she’s done her fair share. The difference is she has a dead husband who left her a lot of money so that she can afford it-my dad cannot. I’m sure he’s dug himself deep into debt because he’s seriously gone all the time. Within a month or two they were engaged and now she’s moving here this summer and they’re getting married in the fall.

I’ve met her maybe twice…and it’s not love. I don’t hate her. She’s fine. But I don’t know her. And my dad keeps going on and on about how excited she is to be a grandmother because she doesn’t have any kids and how they’re going to set up a room in their new house just for Charlie and on and on and on and I’m nodding and smiling and in my head I’m going “But I don’t KNOW her!” How can he marry someone I don’t know? She is NOT Charlie’s grandmother.

I’m trying to not be the bratty daughter who doesn’t want daddy getting married. That’s not what this is at all. I just feel like she  is priority number one and he is not at all concerned what our feelings about it are. My sister has latched on like the leech that she is and now Cali is giving her her truck and all sorts of other stuff and I just won’t do that. I’m not going to pretend to like her so that I can get stuff. Maybe once she gets here it will be better but as of right now I’m feeling ominous at best about how quickly this as gone and how deep my dad is.

3. My Damn House: We’ve been on the market for 23 days and had one showing, and that was to my sister’s friends. One damn showing. I’m beginning to regret my choice in realtor and I’m damn tired of people telling me to be patient, it takes time, etc. I get that. i didn’t expect it to sell overnight, but damn, I hoped some people would at least want to come see it and give me some feedback. It’s hard to try and keep it super clean all the time and I’m failing. I keep it picked up, but it’s not immaculate like it was. If someone wants to come see it they’ll just have to give us a bit of notice.

I emailed our realtor last week asking her if we should be concerned or doing anything different. She didn’t get back to me, so a few days later I forwarded my first email and just said “Did you get this email?” and signed my name. She emailed me back within an hour saying not to be worried, she wasn’t yet, it takes time. The end.

Am I seriously going to pay her 6.5% to just list my house on Realtor.com and hope for the best? Because that fucking sucks.

We’re talking about dropping the price if we don’t have any interest in another month, but I am afraid of seeming desperate.

4. Money: This one I’m probably stressing over more than is necessary. It’s just a bit tight over the summer. I know this is a common issue for lots of families. We won’t get a GI Bill supplement until August and throwing Charlie’s birthday party next weekend is expensive. It’s funny what being tight meant to me before the baby came and after. Now I can have a lot more money in the bank than I used to and still feel panicky. I know we’ll be okay, but it’s just one more thing that’s piling on.

5. Chief:  This is okay now, and it was probably maybe a little created in my head to a certain extent, but Chief and I had a big fight week before last. It started with me being bothered by no one wanting to come see the house and him acting like it was no big. From there I spiraled into “DON’T YOU KNOW HOW HARD I’M WORKING TO KEEP IT CLEAN FOR THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T COMING TO SEE IT?!” and when I spiral Chief tends to hermit crab himself away until it’s safe, which is ALWAYS a bad choice. The correct choices are a) fight back you coward! or b) grovel, grovel like hell.

No, he just stopped talking hoping it would be better. Then for the rest of the night he acted like nothing was wrong when it SO CLEARLY WAS DAMNIT. Then he came to bed and I finally said “DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S WRONG?!” and he sort of halfheartedly responded, and then fell asleep, at which point I RAGE QUIT myself out on the couch where I slept because I was so mad at him, sort of over nothing.

Here is the real truth though-I have issues with Chief’s love language (I think that’s what it is). Is it possible to not have one? I thank him constantly. Every chore he does, every task he completes-every damn time he takes the trash out I think him. He does not do that. He never thanks me. It does not mean he is not grateful, and I realize that, but I am a verbal show-er of love and he is 110% firmly not.

And the thing is, I sort of do a lot around here. I should-I’m the SAHM, but I’m also the WAHM who works 20 hours a week from home, plus another 5-10 outside of the home, PLUS the whole raising our child, but on top of that I still cook all of our meals and do the majority of the cleaning, which I don’t begrudge, but damnit I need to be thanked and appreciated just oh so very occasionally. And it would be nice to be told that he still finds me attractive every once in a while. And this stupid fight that started from one small thing turned into I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

The next day I basically had an emotional breakdown. He had a half day at work (it was the Friday before Memorial Day) and he came home and said he was going to take Charlie out for a while so I could have some “space” and I said that I did not want that and started to cry, so then he said he would just take her out to grab us some lunch which I didn’t want either. He picked me up something anyway and after staring at it for ten minutes in silence I started to SOB full tilt at the table in front of my child who didn’t seem to understand enough to get upset herself luckily.

After that I guess things got sort of resolved, except I don’t know that I see much of a difference. And I know it’s just the way it is and I need to just learn to deal but it’s so. damn. hard. to not feel appreciated. At least when I worked full time I got the yearly evaluation where the Captain told me how much she loved me but in more professional terms. I don’t get that now. I get lots of baby smiles and giggles and those are goddamn wonderful for the soul, but otherwise it’s sort of a thankless job, and I just need some thanks every once in a while for my thankless job. Is that too much to ask?

This is so damn long, and I’m sorry it’s so damn long AND so damn depressing. Despite all of this we really are doing ok. Charlie turns one in eight days and I’m dying a little but luckily the party prep is a distraction from all the feels I’m having about it.

Till we meet again.

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34 thoughts on “Am I Avoiding You?

  1. I’m sorry you are having a hard time. I had been wondering how you are. I have also wondered the same thing about love languages. Hope things start to turn around soon!

  2. I’m sorry things are hard, and especially that you aren’t feeling appreciated, because that compounds everything.
    Have you told chief you need to be thanked? I don’t think you just have to accept that he doesn’t say things, but you probably need to tell him what you do need. Sometimes I feel myself getting ready to pick a fight because I’m feeling frustrated, and I find when I say, “can you tell me I’m pretty?” Even if it’s kind of awkward, it is anyways better than stewing and picking. I know we want our boos to just know what we need but that’s just not a reality. Asking though, so good.
    I’ll keep sending good house selling vibes your way. Selling a house is the absolute worst.

  3. I’m sorry, that all sounds stressful and like a lot going on at once. Hopefully you’re Dad’s new girlfriend will be nice once you get to know her a bit better and that it will get less weird over time. I think you need to have a big chat with chief about how you are feeling and what you need from him and clearing he’s not getting it at the moment! men can be so clueless. hugs!

  4. Blahhhhh… I so hear all of these things, except that I’m not currently moving. The dad stuff is hard and (sorry) it stays hard. My mom remarried after my parents divorced a few years ago and it is still a pretty much constant source of tension in some way or another. My siblings loathe him entirely, I’m completely indifferent, and my mom gets deeply offended that we don’t consider him “family” or our children’s “Opa” (ew, right?). I try to just remind myself that Amora deserves to be surrounded by ALL the people who love her, regardless of my feelings toward them, but it is hard when my mom is pestering me for sleepovers and I’m not comfortable with her husband. It’s weird, but you’ll get better at navigating and negotiating it.

    All the other things, yes. I know my weight/health are issues but I feel almost paralyzed by my anxiety about it, and then I eat (or drink more accurately, oh the soda) my feelings. And my hubby is also not the most verbal guy in the world, which can infuriate me. We had a huge blow up fight the other day, too. It was also over practically nothing but escalated so quickly I ended up throwing his wedding ring in the trash, which is like… The worst thing ever. I feel appropriately awful about it, but the perk of being with a guy who isn’t wordy is that he doesn’t expect a whole lot in terms of apologies and by the end of the night just laughed about the whole thing. I should try to remember that when I’m seeing red and he isn’t, as you said, either pushing back or groveling as I expect he should.

    Feel better, girl. We all have these stretches of time where it feels like everything is just intolerable and overwhelming. We all know you’ll tough it out.

    • See, my mom remarried years ago but we knew him well so it didn’t really bother me. I love my step-dad and I almost trust him with Charlie more than mom…but I KNOW him. I just don’t know dad’s girlfriend and I’m tired of him acting like I should just be over the moon happy about this. But yeah-paralyzed by anxiety pretty much sums it up. I know that if I don’t do something about it it won’t get better but it is so hard to face up to the long road ahead and just get started.

      • For me I think a lot of it goes back to infertility. In the year before we started trying, I lost about 40 lbs in preparation for pregnancy. I wanted to go into it healthier and not have my weight creep over 200 during pregnancy. I kept that weight off through 9 months of trying and then gained TWENTY POUNDS on Clomid, and then another 23 during pregnancy, and idk… I know I can do it because I did it before, but I don’t feel like the bright, optimistic, I can do anything, take on the world person I was before my life was rocked. I don’t know if that even makes any sense.

      • Yeah I lost 60 pounds and got down into the 150’s for the first time in my adult life. I gained about 20 pounds on gonal-f which is the first fertility drug that I ever gained weight on but also the first one that worked. Then I gained a bunch during pregnancy. I got back down to prepregnancy quickly thanks to breastfeeding, but the extra 20 pounds have just hung on and I would expect I’ve gained 5-10 more, though this morning I’m feeling smaller so it’s possible yesterday I was particularly bloated.

  5. That is a whole lot of stress at once! I don’t blame you for being a little all over! As for the Dad getting married thing-I don’t blame you for feeling this way. While it is sweet she wants to be involved in Charlie’s life, you don’t know her and she doesn’t know your daughter. It is weird to feel like someone wants to stake claim in her life so quickly. I would be uncomfortable with it. Hopefully you two will have the time to get to know one another more and it will turn out ok in the long run.
    As for the home selling, we eventually had to switch agents as well. After we did so, we realized we should have done it much sooner. But it is tough! And that is their job, one that you want them to be doing 100%. Have they mentioned doing an open house at all?

    • I asked her about an open house and she was not up on the idea, though she said she was willing. I would switch realtors right now if I could but we have a six month contract and I’m afraid she’ll come after us for fees and we’ll be stuck with her, but then she’ll know what we’re unhappy with her and really not work for us :-/

      • I know sometimes if it seems to be a mutual bad fit they’ll just release you, but it’s been less than a month. I’m just afraid that we’re losing a lot of potential buyers in these early months and the longer we sit on the market the harder it’s going to be.

  6. You have a lot on your plate right now, my friend. A lot of emotional “stuff” battling for space in your heart. Charlie turning one, your dad getting married, feeling unappreciated, and not being happy in your own skin all at once is a ton to handle, and then when you throw selling your house on top of the pile, it’s easy to see why you’re struggling. It sounds like you could really use a break from it all. Any chance you three could get away for a weekend? Change up the scenery? Or when was the last time you and Chief had a date night? On a totally different note, I am very excited to see what you do for Charlie’s birthday! I can’t believe our girls are turning one. It’s crazy.

    • We desperately want to take a little break if we can sell the house. We’re hoping by the end of the summer someone has bought it and we can go to the Georgia coast in September while we potentially have new floors put in our new house (we haven’t looked at ONE that doesn’t need new floors). It’s only June so I’m still holding out hope! We do probably need a date night but the baby sitting issue is a whole different issue deserving of its own post. I’m ready to leave her with someone but my mom will throw a fit if it’s not her and she lives thirty minutes away now because she just moved. It’s a big thing.

      • When I said that about date night, I was figuring babysitting would be a thing because of your mom! Nothing is ever easy with your mom, is it? When we’ve gone out (all of twice) my mom has watched C at our house so she has her bed and her surroundings. It’s worked well that way. If your mom is so desperate to babysit, she needs to come to you so it’s easy on you!

      • She probably would come here but the other thing is that Charlie has a pretty specific bedtime routine so I would want her to come after she’s in bed, so I feel like THAT would be an issue and then we would have an issue with how late we could stay out and on and on and on.

      • I hear you. I had the same concern, but in the end I had to suck it up on the bedtime thing. I realized it wasn’t fair to ask her to babysit if she couldn’t spend any quality time with Charlotte. I laid out the steps for my mom and just forced myself to accept that one screwy bedtime is not the end of the world. If it makes you feel any better, it worked out fine! Charlotte went to sleep as easily as she usually does even with the slight glitch in routine.

  7. In regards to Chief and love languages, I’ve been there. My love language is service. My husband’s is gifts. I do not care for gifts. He prefers to not do acts of service. Lol. But we’ve been finding our way.

  8. Regarding you house, I will pipe in bc, well, that’s the industry I work in. In our market, and u do realize that markets vary, but our rule if thumb is, if there have been no showings in 10 days, you’re priced incorrectly. It sucks, we want what we want for our homes. Not sure switching agents right now would be the best, but I would definitely talk to her, tell her exactly how you’re feeling. If you want open houses, or ads in the newspaper, or postcards sent out to your community, she should do it. Whether or not she sees value in those things. Sometimes it takes more effort than putting a house in the local mls.
    Side note, did she have professional photographs done? Just curious. That’s something else that make a huge difference in our market.

  9. I hear you with the Dad thing. My dad got a girlfriend 5 months after my mother died. She has 4 adult kids the same age as me and my sister, and dad spends all his time with the gf and her kids. Like you I want to be cool with it all– but things have moved so fast. I think you are doing ok with an awful lot on your plate.

  10. It seems like you have so much going on right now. Both in real life and also a lot of things causing you head and emotional stress.
    I eat all my feels too. I am having a bit of trouble with this at the moment and mentioned to Hubby that I seem to have some bad food obsession issues at the moment that I need to address. His response was, ‘well yeah, last night from shopping you brought home cheesecake and chocolate and chips’ I was pretty shocked, but couldn’t say he was wrong cause he’s not, he did then go on to say, ‘I know I don’t help because I bring you home chocolate too’. Still I feel like that was a pretty douchey thing to say when he has promised so many times to eat healthy with me and go to the gym with me. He hasn’t been to the damn gym ONCE! Sorry, needed my little vent there too I think.
    I think you are too hard on yourself, I am too though so I recognise it in others hahaha. From what I see you do the very best you can by your family and child even when that means you have to do things you don’t particularly want to. Don’t beat yourself up too much okay 🙂 xx

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