Sometimes this job is just so damn hard

This post talks about vomit. If you’re not up for that stop reading. I say this because I love you.

Tuesdays and Thursdays Chief is at school from 10-3 and then work from 3:30-midnight. It’s a damn long day for all of us.
Today I couldn’t stand just being in the house anymore so Charlie and I went out and walked around a store and then drove by the new house and our new neighborhood before heading home. When we got home she played like she normally does. We have a perimeter of Charlie safe areas. It’s from the foyer through the living room. We close the hallway door and block off the dining room and kitchen. Usually I prefer for her to play in the living room area since I can’t always see the foyer depending on what I’m doing, but if she’s just over there for a few minutes I don’t worry because there’s nothing for her to hurt herself on.

Today I noticed she was hanging around over there a lot and I heard her start to cough and make vomiting sounds. I ran over and saw her on the floor with vomit down her dress (that I made her) holding one of the refills to an off clip on fan-the ones that keep bugs away (seriously I have NO IDEA where it came from). i instantly grabbed it from her-it wasn’t wet like it had been in her mouth but I didn’t want to take any chances. After getting her dress off of her I called poison control. The very nice man looked it up and said the ingredient in those would only be toxic in large quantities, and that if she ingested any from this device it wouldn’t do any more than irritate her stomach for the day. We both kind of figured that she may have tasted it once and it tasted so bad that it made her gag and that’s how the vomiting happened.

So we went about the rest of our afternoon. She vomited one more tiny time but seemed to be in good spirits. I put her in her high chair and made oatmeal for her and she proceeded to vomit ALL OVER THE TRAY. Like she filled the thing up. Sorry, that’s gross I know, but I speak the truth. So either her stomach is irritated or she has a virus. I guess only time will tell.

Vomit is gross. It smells so bad. I contend that it is worse than cleaning up poop, pee, blood-any of that. And after you’ve cleaned it up the smell lingers. Charlie got two baths-one before I let her eat the oatmeal and one right after. She ate very little and I didn’t push her. She did drink water so that was good, and she nursed normally. Now I’m watching the monitor like a mad woman and staring at it any time she coughs for fear that she’s throwing up. She’s coughed a few times but hasn’t actually woken up so I’m hoping we can make it through the night vomit free.

She just got over that nasty cold from last week that I had to handle by myself without Chief here. I would like a break now please. I’m so tired tonight, and I don’t want to eat because the smell of vomit is everywhere even though I’ve cleaned it up, but I’m starving anyway, and I’m supposed to go to the firm tomorrow since I couldn’t go Monday because of the root canal, which oh by the way my tooth is super sore today. And my house is a disaster because we’ve taken it off the market so we can pack up in peace.

I. Just. Need. To. Catch. A. Break.

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All clear

Everything went pretty well. There was a slight mistake. When he was sticking the stuff in that fills the roots back in he went a little too far. He said the only way to get it out was surgically but it shouldn’t be necessary because it shouldn’t cause a problem. He said there was little to no infection and no cracking under the crown which gives the tooth a good prognosis. It was unnerving-all the stuff that was happening, but not at all painful.

Currently I’m almost completely unnumb and I just have some soreness in the gums where the clamp was. He said it would be sensitive to bite down for about a week but it should get better every day. The best news? I had a milkshake for lunch with ZERO pain. I feel kind of puny in general but I think it’s just from being almost upside down for an hour.

Thanks for the reassuring stories! It really was just no big deal. Other than the $650 they took from me before I left….

Root Canal

Anyone ever have to get a root canal AFTER getting a crown? Me. I am. Tomorrow.

That crown that I got back when I was pregnant almost two years ago has never felt right, and while it doesn’t feel like it’s getting worse, my dentist and I agree that we don’t want it to get to the point of infection and abcess, so a root canal is on my plate for the morning. The tooth hurts moderately if I bite down on it and hurts more significantly if cold comes into contact with it. It does not hurt just sitting there in my mouth, so I’m hoping that whatever we’re dealing with isn’t going to be bad (aka, require more than one visit).

I’m going to allegedly one of the best endodontists in the country tomorrow and it’s supposed to be totally pain free and done in an hour and a half, then a week later I’ll go and my dentist will “restore” the tooth (this better be a filling and not another crown because my insurance won’t pay for a second crown on this tooth for another three years).

I. Am. Terrified. I was just beginning to get over my dental phobias because my dentist is literally the nicest man in the world and never lets me feel any pain. He says that the endodontist is also the nicest man in the world and will not let me feel any pain, but you know, you grow up hearing how awful root canals are, so I’m pretty anxious about it.

Reassuring stories? Please?

What, You Again?

I know-I go forever without posting and then bam! I’m all up in your faces all week long.

Y’all, I’ve had to put my baby in a headlock five times today. Three nasal aspirations, one dose of motrin, and one teeth brushing. Chief did the other teeth brushing, but he half-assed it so we had to have a talk about that.

Literally the only way to get her to do any of these things is to use just about every muscle in my body to restrain her arms and wedge her head in my armpit while somehow growing a third arm to hold the bulb syringe or toothbrush or dropper.

I love my daughter. I love her. But she is not an easy toddler. She was an easy baby for the most part, so I guess this is my payback. But I feel inadequate. This isn’t me asking for everyone to reassure me that I’m a good mom. I know I’m a good mom. I love my child and I do my best, but some kids are harder than others and at this moment in time my kid is harder than average, at least from what I can gather anyway.

Chief and I had a conversation the other day about timing and a second child. The way I figure it financially I need to go back to work sometime close to the beginning of the year in January of 2018. It seems far away but it’s really not. I feel ready. I know I’ll miss being home with Charlie, (and being in my pajamas all day) but I miss the creativity and adult interaction that came with my career. Let’s face it: being a stay at home mom is hella hard, but it does involve a lot of sitting around watching your child play and learn. I love that, but I’m not built to do it forever. In January of 2018 Charlie will just be six months away from preschool age (though she’s a summer baby so she won’t technically start until August) and Chief thinks that he can stay on the evening shift at work so basically we’ll just need to find someone to watch her for a couple of hours in the afternoon before I get home.

And my old job is going to have TWO positions opening up around that time from a retirement and a marriage that involves one of my old coworkers moving to Canada (lucky bitch, amiright?)

So it just seems meant to be. It seems right. And two and a half years away from my career feels like enough. I’m so. damn. lucky. that my career is very forgiving of breaks like this-probably one of the benefits of being in a female dominated career. But I’m already feeling the itch.

The little thing that’s niggling at the back of my mind when I think about it though is that I don’t want to go back to work and get pregnant again and then take three months off. I would NOT leave my career again because I wouldn’t be able to afford it, and even if a rich relative left me a boatload of money-I just wouldn’t do it again. I think leaving once is normal, fine, understandable, etc. Twice…probably wouldn’t be overlooked so easily.

We want a second child. We want to do this again. So, if we’re going to have one before I go back to work sometime in the early months of 2018, well, do the math. It seems like we need to work on that now. Which is scary.

When we were trying to conceive Charlie it was awful that it took so long, but at least there wasn’t really a timer on it. Whenever it happened would work out career wise, and it actually happened at a good time in the long run because we had all the VA money for me to stay home with. If we have another child I want them to have that time at home too. It wouldn’t be as long as Charlie, but I just really don’t want to put them in daycare before they’re around a year old. And frankly…..not before I can put Charlie in a public school program, which in our area would be when she’s four. When we send her to preschool at age three it will be a private program that is going to be pretty pricey. I don’t think I could do that and pay for daycare at the same time. Well, we could, but it would be less than fun.

So I feel a bit like I’m between a rock and a hard place on this decision. Chief and I sort of went round and round about it the other night and couldn’t find the perfect answer because it just doesn’t seem to exist for us. I’m not going to be able to get everything I want. Here are the scenarios as I see them:

1. I somehow get pregnant, magically, in the next few months. Babe would be at least six months when I go back to work. Chief could watch both kids during the day and then in the fall of 2018 Charlie starts private preschool and babe starts daycare. I cry nightly from all the dollars flying out of my wallet (and possibly get into the plasma selling business), but I get to spend a good amount of time with both kids at home before returning to the workforce. Frankly, this is probably the most ideal, and considering my fertility history, probably the one that won’t happen.

2. I can’t get pregnant by January, which is basically my cut-off for being able to have a kid and return to work feeling good about leaving my baby with his/her dad. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that those early months between me and Charlie were intense and I would feel sad to miss them. I go back on the pill (uggghhhh) for a while and we try again after I’m reestablished in my career.

3. If scenario #2 happens I would need to wait a while to try again. I mean I wouldn’t have FMLA protection without at least a year at work, but also I don’t want to start a new job, especially with my old boss who would be throwing me a major bone by bringing me back, just to run out on them for three months immediately. So theoretically I work there for a year, get pregnant in 2019 (or later) and only get three months with babe before they have to go to daycare. No choices on that because I just can’t leave my career again. Emotionally this would be killer for me, but would come with the financial benefit of Charlie being in public preschool by then.

4. I can’t get pregnant and we’re one and done.

So I think we’re going to see if we can make scenario #1 happen, but the scary thing about it is all the stuff I wrote up at the top-my not so easy toddler, who gets less easy by the day. Can I even handle two kids? Especially at night by myself when Chief is at work? It freaks me out. And let’s get real-that basically gives me five months to get pregnant ON MY OWN. I don’t know if I’m even ovulating and frankly I don’t to know. I don’t want to go back on the merry-go-round of infertility treatment and temping and testing. We’re just going to be ourselves for a while and see what happens. My last cycle was 36 days long which is really, really close to being normal but my period was really light and took forever. I used to bleed heavily and painfully for 2-3 days. Now it was basically pain free and really, really light but went on for six days. I don’t know what that says about the state of my uterus and it’s ability to create the kind of cush that I expect for my belly babes.

And frankly, I don’t want to think about any of it. I just want to be normal and plan to get pregnant by the end of the year and actually do it. Is that really so much to ask?

Last Night, Updated

A lot of things have gotten better, only a few have gotten worse, and some have stayed the same:

1.  Charlie had a bang up good day. I gave her motrin before nap number one today but she did fine without it all day, and then we did it before bed tonight. I still can’t get the hang of giving it to her without Chief around so she probably once again only got about half. Her technique to spit it out is to blow sad sobbing raspberries until it just flows out of her mouth. Sigh.

2. Unfortunately, Chief and I now have the cold. One of us is handling it more stoically than the other….

3. The sellers agreed to the freaking railing. I don’t have the agreement in writing yet, but I’m told it’s coming.

4. Unfortunately #2, the house is quite messy again. Seriously. In one day. I cleaned it up last night and it’s a wreck. Charlie’s room looks like a bomb went off. Normally I wouldn’t care but dude, we’re unsuccessfully trying to sell it so we have to at least try to keep it clean for showings.We’re about to start having to pack up which just makes me want to pull it from the market. It’s never going to be show ready again until we move out, and at that point I’m ready to do something else with it. Either unload it to an investor or rent it. I’m so tempted just to yank it from the market now.

5. I went to visit my pawpaw’s grave today which brought me a bit of comfort. Today he would have been 91. I had dinner with the Captain (which also brings me comfort) and we both agreed that it’s kind of good that he died right before his birthday. It keeps all the tough anniversaries together. I took a picture of Charlie playing with the flowers that my Aunt had left before, and she dropped a few cheerios onto the ground which I know he would have loved, because the man loved to eat. His only problem would have been that we left them there instead of picking them up so they wouldn’t be wasted.

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Things still feel fragile. We’re about to head into underwriting which is the murkiest, scariest part of buying a house in my opinion. And I probably wont truly feel secure until we know what’s going to happen with House #1. And of course we would all feel better if we, well, felt better, but hopefully that’s coming soon.

Thanks to all of you who talked me off the cliff last night and today. Yesterday was superior in it’s crappiness. Today has been better. A lot of that is thanks to you.

How the Crying Started

Another list:

1. Charlie is sick. She was up all night last night. She woke up crying at least once every hour, sometimes more. She always put herself back to sleep really quickly, like by the time I was at her door she was back snoozing, but that still meant I was up and down about ten times last night. The one time I did make it in there before the crying stopped I thought maybe she just needed to be nursed, but then picked her up and realized she was super stuffed up and just wanted to be held upright, so I did that for about thirty minutes and rocked in the chair with her while she slept in the crook of my arm.

2. I had to adult and go to the law firm anyway. I guess I could have switched my day, but I really need to try and be consistent and have my office hours on Monday.

3. After the law firm I only got to be home for about thirty minutes before we had to get Charlie to the doctor, and in those thirty minutes I cooked lunch. Never even changed out of my work clothes.

4. At the doctor I had to listen to this lady bitch because she missed her 1:30 pm appointment and didn’t think that the “baby who is running around the office smiling needed an appointment as much as [her] son does”, despite the fact that that baby’s mother had managed to get her there twenty minutes early for her 2:00 appointment. I’m not judging the mom for being late-shit happens. But don’t be a jerk to everyone around you. She was really trying to talk them into letting her go ahead of me because her son needed a physical for school. Yeah, well my husband needed to get to work. Sorry, everyone has shit to do.

5. Up until the doctor’s appointment I thought Charlie just had some allergies and I didn’t want to self dose her with benadryl or zyrtec before talking to the doctor, but then we got there and she said she had a virus.  And of course when we go to the doctor now Charlie LOSES. HER. MIND. She has to be physically restrained by three people to even get her ears looked at or her heart listened to. Her throat is only easy to look at because her mouth is wide open screaming.

6. Charlie has a spot on one of her front teeth that has demineralized ALREADY. What kind of crap mom am I?! The ped recommended we start using a dab of fluoride toothpaste and ditch the training stuff, so I started that tonight but SHIT Y’ALL. She needs these baby teeth for years and I’m already letting them fall apart.

7. After the doctor she fell asleep in the car which is fine, but damn I was looking forward to going home and just sitting for a few minutes during nap time because I got like three hours of sleep last night.

8. While driving around the check engine light on the car came on. Fucking seriously? So once she was awake we drove to Chief’s work where they have a machine that can read the codes. It’s nice that he just happens to work for the area of the military that deals with cars. It’s a small repair (I seriously cannot even remember what they said it was) but we may be out of warranty on it, so we may need to do it ourselves. Awesome. The warranty expires sometime this year so we have to call tomorrow to find out if it’s covered.

9. Once we were done with that it was time to go to family dinner which was across town where my mother seriously made me feel bad about letting Charlie eat french fries. Here’s the problem: Charlie loves fruits and veggies and meat-but if she sees french fries that’s all she wants. And they picked a burger place….so yeah, once she saw fries her kids patty and black eyed peas were OBVIOUSLY not an attractive choice. My mom told me that I would screw up her cholesterol if I let her eat french fries, and oh Librarian, we have a history of weight problems. She is 14 months old. This shit is why I have weight issues because my mom was always on me about it. Give the kid a fucking break. Yes, normally I would try to push the black eyed peas more, but I needed her to have a decent amount on her tummy to give her the motrin she needed before bed, so yeah, I let the kid who felt like crap have fries for dinner. I’m the worst fucking mom ever.

10. The sellers of the new house don’t want to do the one thing we asked-there is no railing on the very steep and high front stoop. The VA requires a railing down at least one side and we asked them to do both sides. Despite the fact that there were multiple other repairs we could ask for (some of the outlets need to be changed to be brought to code, there are a few shingles that need to be replaced on the roof, the chimney needs to be resealed, there is an AC line that needs to be propped up so it can drain properly, and there is a small area of compression in the foundation-all stuff that can be done easily by us over time) we ONLY asked for this because it’s a safety issue and the VA was going to require one side anyway but we knew we would eventually want both sides. They got the quote and it’s going to be $1000. That’s about what I would have figured, but seriously-we’re paying FULL ASKING on this house and only asking for this one thing. If someone bought my house and asked me for $1000 in repairs I would jump for fucking joy. This house was also on the market almost five months and several months at one point last year, so it’s not like we snatched it up and they were about to get ten other offers. So my realtor completely agreed that it was ridiculous and pushed back and said look, they’ve got a toddler and they could have asked for A LOT more, including a contingency on their other house, and they didn’t. Throw us a fucking bone. So now we’re waiting to hear on that.

11. When we got home I had to somehow get 4 ml of children’s motrin (not infant-NOT INFANT) down my child’s throat. She screamed and probably spat out half of it at least, so I gave her another .5 ml just to try and get a bit more in and she spat that out too. Despite all of this I am paranoid as hell that I have OD’ed my kid even though the logical side of me knows that 4.5 ml would not kill her or probably even cause any damage and also the logical side of me knows that at least half of it was on her shirt so what the fuck am I worrying about? After the motrin I had to brush her teeth which she already hates with the new toothpaste which she ALSO hates and she just turned red and screamed and kicked. Chief works nights now so I fly solo at night and let me tell you-RESPECT to single parents everywhere. It’s hard on a good day. On a bad day? Sucks. Sucks so hard.

12. The house is a disaster even though we cleaned it spotless last week, so after the day from hell when I really just wanted to sit on my ass, I put my daughter to bed (luckily not screaming after thirty minutes of nursing and four or five rounds of the ABC’s) and came into the kitchen and did the dishes. This song came on my playlist:

 

 

So that’s how the crying started. Sobbing, crouched over my kitchen sink full of smelly, dirty dishes, my head in my hands. Because my baby is sick and I can’t fix it. Because my house is always dirty. Because tonight I just want to go to bed and ignore the laundry and I can’t. Because money is tight. Because Saturday was the anniversary of my grandfather’s death and I couldn’t go to the cemetery and I miss him. Because I’m having to handle it all on my own because my husband can’t be here. Because of my mom. Because I’m so tired. Because my anxiety is out of control these days but I’m too afraid to deal with it. Because when I do sleep I’m having bad dreams about things happening to my family members or my baby. Because I don’t know what’s going to happen with either of my houses right now. Because Chief and I are having to make some heavy decisions about future children, which is a post unto itself. Because I feel like a crap mom even though I logically know I’m just doing my best. Because I second guess every decision I make, including the ones that can’t be changed. Because I just don’t feel like I have the power to rise up and everything feels out of my control and didn’t I used to be stronger than this? Didn’t I beat infertility? Didn’t I get a masters degree? Why is a messy house and a bit of stress bringing me to my knees now?

That’s it. That’s the end. I wish I could tell you that I got some resolution to any of this, but I haven’t. I’m going to sit on the couch and do laundry for the rest of the night and then tomorrow I have a full day of alone parenting a sick baby because Chief has school all day and work all night (I’m not blaming him at all-I mean that’s a long day. It’s just a long day for both of us). I wish that I had someone to hold me and rock me tonight like Charlie does, and while I want her to sleep well, I also won’t feel too sad if she needs me once or twice, because frankly I need her tonight too.

Maybe I Don’t Hate You as Much as I Thought….

This week out of seemingly nowhere we had two showings on the house. We had one Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Our house was somewhat of a disaster when we got the request Tuesday afternoon. Chief and I flew into a fury getting it cleaned-he even wore Charlie in one of my carriers which is A RARE OCCURRENCE.

Unfortunately Chief had to go to work on his new schedule of 4:00 pm-12:00 am, and the showing was at 5:30. So I was left to keep the house clean with a toddler and also get the pets put up. Luckily my step-dad came to help me with the dogs.

So anyway, the people show up just a few minutes after we left. I always stalk the house like a stalky-stalker so I can make assumptions and psych myself out, though mostly so that I can see when I can go back in, because what I’ve discovered about other people’s realtors is that THEY ARE THE WORST about letting us know when they are done. Seriously, the one Wednesday morning let my realtor know THIRTY MINUTES after they had left. In fact he let her know AFTER the appointment time was over anyway. Stupid. But I digress.

So I stalked the house and they stayed inside for about 20 minutes during the Tuesday night showing. A decent amount of time, but really I have resigned myself to renting it. I just don’t feel like it’s going to sell for some reason. Perhaps that reason is that we’re now sitting at 95 days on the market.

So they leave and I come back in and feed the baby oatmeal with berries for dinner and laze about. The next morning luckily Chief is there so he’s able to help with that showing. It happens fairly normally too, though there was a lot of coming and going. we think the realtor didn’t realize he was supposed to pick up the guy who was looking, so he left and came back at first.

After it’s all said and done I talked to our realtor and she said that the Wednesday guy was doing “some thinking” about it. I asked her if she had heard anything from the Tuesday people and she sent me a picture of a form the realtor filled out that said they thought the exterior was only fair, the house was overpriced, and the windows would all have to be replaced, and yet the house was their second choice of what they had seen and they “might” put an offer in.

FIRST of all, I realize the backyard is still slightly rough, but we have a sign notating the work that’s being done and the front yard of my house is beautiful. I’m not sugarcoating-we’ve done a ton of work to make the front gorgeous. And we have the awesome patio area that my dad helped us build. So a “fair” exterior felt pretty insulting. That’s only one rating up from “poor” on the form.

SECOND of all, overpriced my ass. It’s 2000 sq ft for 114900 in an area where that typically runs at least 135000. If you check the price per sq ft of us against the rest of our area we’re under by a decent amount, like $6.00 a sq ft. And the bonus room downstairs doesn’t count because it’s not hooked up to the HVAC, so it’s really a 2300 sq ft house. A house a few hundred sq ft smaller than ours and not as updated sold for 125K six weeks ago, and it’s only two blocks away AND closer to the main, busy road. So don’t tell me my house is overpriced.

AND FINALLY, just because windows are older doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. We have never had any problems with our windows. They seal very well, I don’t feel air coming in around them-they’re fine. Unless an inspector says there is a legit problem with them, I’m not replacing them. It would cost thousands and eat up all our profits.

I was pretty mad and my realtor basically said that their realtor is an idiot and regarded as such in the real estate community we’re in. She said that she was probably feeding her buyers bad information about the value of the area because she wants them to buy a more expensive house to up her commission, which is SO. FUCKING. WRONG. These folks are first time buyers so they’re probably really relying on an honest realtor. At the same time, if THEY’RE the ones who said that my exterior was just “fair” then I don’t even WANT them to buy my house. I actually kind of mean that, but more because of the windows thing. I’m afraid they’ll ask for all new windows, and if they were offering 125k we would do that, but at 114900 I’m just not willing. Again, we can rent it and make a really good amount. I already feel like they would be unreasonable and difficult and I’m just not sure it’s worth the headache.

All of this vitriol and rage made me realize that as much as I’ve compared my house to a prison of my in-law’s design, that maybe I’m slightly more affectionate towards it then I had previously realized. I may not want to live here anymore, but I don’t want crappy people living here either.