I know-I go forever without posting and then bam! I’m all up in your faces all week long.
Y’all, I’ve had to put my baby in a headlock five times today. Three nasal aspirations, one dose of motrin, and one teeth brushing. Chief did the other teeth brushing, but he half-assed it so we had to have a talk about that.
Literally the only way to get her to do any of these things is to use just about every muscle in my body to restrain her arms and wedge her head in my armpit while somehow growing a third arm to hold the bulb syringe or toothbrush or dropper.
I love my daughter. I love her. But she is not an easy toddler. She was an easy baby for the most part, so I guess this is my payback. But I feel inadequate. This isn’t me asking for everyone to reassure me that I’m a good mom. I know I’m a good mom. I love my child and I do my best, but some kids are harder than others and at this moment in time my kid is harder than average, at least from what I can gather anyway.
Chief and I had a conversation the other day about timing and a second child. The way I figure it financially I need to go back to work sometime close to the beginning of the year in January of 2018. It seems far away but it’s really not. I feel ready. I know I’ll miss being home with Charlie, (and being in my pajamas all day) but I miss the creativity and adult interaction that came with my career. Let’s face it: being a stay at home mom is hella hard, but it does involve a lot of sitting around watching your child play and learn. I love that, but I’m not built to do it forever. In January of 2018 Charlie will just be six months away from preschool age (though she’s a summer baby so she won’t technically start until August) and Chief thinks that he can stay on the evening shift at work so basically we’ll just need to find someone to watch her for a couple of hours in the afternoon before I get home.
And my old job is going to have TWO positions opening up around that time from a retirement and a marriage that involves one of my old coworkers moving to Canada (lucky bitch, amiright?)
So it just seems meant to be. It seems right. And two and a half years away from my career feels like enough. I’m so. damn. lucky. that my career is very forgiving of breaks like this-probably one of the benefits of being in a female dominated career. But I’m already feeling the itch.
The little thing that’s niggling at the back of my mind when I think about it though is that I don’t want to go back to work and get pregnant again and then take three months off. I would NOT leave my career again because I wouldn’t be able to afford it, and even if a rich relative left me a boatload of money-I just wouldn’t do it again. I think leaving once is normal, fine, understandable, etc. Twice…probably wouldn’t be overlooked so easily.
We want a second child. We want to do this again. So, if we’re going to have one before I go back to work sometime in the early months of 2018, well, do the math. It seems like we need to work on that now. Which is scary.
When we were trying to conceive Charlie it was awful that it took so long, but at least there wasn’t really a timer on it. Whenever it happened would work out career wise, and it actually happened at a good time in the long run because we had all the VA money for me to stay home with. If we have another child I want them to have that time at home too. It wouldn’t be as long as Charlie, but I just really don’t want to put them in daycare before they’re around a year old. And frankly…..not before I can put Charlie in a public school program, which in our area would be when she’s four. When we send her to preschool at age three it will be a private program that is going to be pretty pricey. I don’t think I could do that and pay for daycare at the same time. Well, we could, but it would be less than fun.
So I feel a bit like I’m between a rock and a hard place on this decision. Chief and I sort of went round and round about it the other night and couldn’t find the perfect answer because it just doesn’t seem to exist for us. I’m not going to be able to get everything I want. Here are the scenarios as I see them:
1. I somehow get pregnant, magically, in the next few months. Babe would be at least six months when I go back to work. Chief could watch both kids during the day and then in the fall of 2018 Charlie starts private preschool and babe starts daycare. I cry nightly from all the dollars flying out of my wallet (and possibly get into the plasma selling business), but I get to spend a good amount of time with both kids at home before returning to the workforce. Frankly, this is probably the most ideal, and considering my fertility history, probably the one that won’t happen.
2. I can’t get pregnant by January, which is basically my cut-off for being able to have a kid and return to work feeling good about leaving my baby with his/her dad. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that those early months between me and Charlie were intense and I would feel sad to miss them. I go back on the pill (uggghhhh) for a while and we try again after I’m reestablished in my career.
3. If scenario #2 happens I would need to wait a while to try again. I mean I wouldn’t have FMLA protection without at least a year at work, but also I don’t want to start a new job, especially with my old boss who would be throwing me a major bone by bringing me back, just to run out on them for three months immediately. So theoretically I work there for a year, get pregnant in 2019 (or later) and only get three months with babe before they have to go to daycare. No choices on that because I just can’t leave my career again. Emotionally this would be killer for me, but would come with the financial benefit of Charlie being in public preschool by then.
4. I can’t get pregnant and we’re one and done.
So I think we’re going to see if we can make scenario #1 happen, but the scary thing about it is all the stuff I wrote up at the top-my not so easy toddler, who gets less easy by the day. Can I even handle two kids? Especially at night by myself when Chief is at work? It freaks me out. And let’s get real-that basically gives me five months to get pregnant ON MY OWN. I don’t know if I’m even ovulating and frankly I don’t to know. I don’t want to go back on the merry-go-round of infertility treatment and temping and testing. We’re just going to be ourselves for a while and see what happens. My last cycle was 36 days long which is really, really close to being normal but my period was really light and took forever. I used to bleed heavily and painfully for 2-3 days. Now it was basically pain free and really, really light but went on for six days. I don’t know what that says about the state of my uterus and it’s ability to create the kind of cush that I expect for my belly babes.
And frankly, I don’t want to think about any of it. I just want to be normal and plan to get pregnant by the end of the year and actually do it. Is that really so much to ask?