What, You Again?

I know-I go forever without posting and then bam! I’m all up in your faces all week long.

Y’all, I’ve had to put my baby in a headlock five times today. Three nasal aspirations, one dose of motrin, and one teeth brushing. Chief did the other teeth brushing, but he half-assed it so we had to have a talk about that.

Literally the only way to get her to do any of these things is to use just about every muscle in my body to restrain her arms and wedge her head in my armpit while somehow growing a third arm to hold the bulb syringe or toothbrush or dropper.

I love my daughter. I love her. But she is not an easy toddler. She was an easy baby for the most part, so I guess this is my payback. But I feel inadequate. This isn’t me asking for everyone to reassure me that I’m a good mom. I know I’m a good mom. I love my child and I do my best, but some kids are harder than others and at this moment in time my kid is harder than average, at least from what I can gather anyway.

Chief and I had a conversation the other day about timing and a second child. The way I figure it financially I need to go back to work sometime close to the beginning of the year in January of 2018. It seems far away but it’s really not. I feel ready. I know I’ll miss being home with Charlie, (and being in my pajamas all day) but I miss the creativity and adult interaction that came with my career. Let’s face it: being a stay at home mom is hella hard, but it does involve a lot of sitting around watching your child play and learn. I love that, but I’m not built to do it forever. In January of 2018 Charlie will just be six months away from preschool age (though she’s a summer baby so she won’t technically start until August) and Chief thinks that he can stay on the evening shift at work so basically we’ll just need to find someone to watch her for a couple of hours in the afternoon before I get home.

And my old job is going to have TWO positions opening up around that time from a retirement and a marriage that involves one of my old coworkers moving to Canada (lucky bitch, amiright?)

So it just seems meant to be. It seems right. And two and a half years away from my career feels like enough. I’m so. damn. lucky. that my career is very forgiving of breaks like this-probably one of the benefits of being in a female dominated career. But I’m already feeling the itch.

The little thing that’s niggling at the back of my mind when I think about it though is that I don’t want to go back to work and get pregnant again and then take three months off. I would NOT leave my career again because I wouldn’t be able to afford it, and even if a rich relative left me a boatload of money-I just wouldn’t do it again. I think leaving once is normal, fine, understandable, etc. Twice…probably wouldn’t be overlooked so easily.

We want a second child. We want to do this again. So, if we’re going to have one before I go back to work sometime in the early months of 2018, well, do the math. It seems like we need to work on that now. Which is scary.

When we were trying to conceive Charlie it was awful that it took so long, but at least there wasn’t really a timer on it. Whenever it happened would work out career wise, and it actually happened at a good time in the long run because we had all the VA money for me to stay home with. If we have another child I want them to have that time at home too. It wouldn’t be as long as Charlie, but I just really don’t want to put them in daycare before they’re around a year old. And frankly…..not before I can put Charlie in a public school program, which in our area would be when she’s four. When we send her to preschool at age three it will be a private program that is going to be pretty pricey. I don’t think I could do that and pay for daycare at the same time. Well, we could, but it would be less than fun.

So I feel a bit like I’m between a rock and a hard place on this decision. Chief and I sort of went round and round about it the other night and couldn’t find the perfect answer because it just doesn’t seem to exist for us. I’m not going to be able to get everything I want. Here are the scenarios as I see them:

1. I somehow get pregnant, magically, in the next few months. Babe would be at least six months when I go back to work. Chief could watch both kids during the day and then in the fall of 2018 Charlie starts private preschool and babe starts daycare. I cry nightly from all the dollars flying out of my wallet (and possibly get into the plasma selling business), but I get to spend a good amount of time with both kids at home before returning to the workforce. Frankly, this is probably the most ideal, and considering my fertility history, probably the one that won’t happen.

2. I can’t get pregnant by January, which is basically my cut-off for being able to have a kid and return to work feeling good about leaving my baby with his/her dad. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that those early months between me and Charlie were intense and I would feel sad to miss them. I go back on the pill (uggghhhh) for a while and we try again after I’m reestablished in my career.

3. If scenario #2 happens I would need to wait a while to try again. I mean I wouldn’t have FMLA protection without at least a year at work, but also I don’t want to start a new job, especially with my old boss who would be throwing me a major bone by bringing me back, just to run out on them for three months immediately. So theoretically I work there for a year, get pregnant in 2019 (or later) and only get three months with babe before they have to go to daycare. No choices on that because I just can’t leave my career again. Emotionally this would be killer for me, but would come with the financial benefit of Charlie being in public preschool by then.

4. I can’t get pregnant and we’re one and done.

So I think we’re going to see if we can make scenario #1 happen, but the scary thing about it is all the stuff I wrote up at the top-my not so easy toddler, who gets less easy by the day. Can I even handle two kids? Especially at night by myself when Chief is at work? It freaks me out. And let’s get real-that basically gives me five months to get pregnant ON MY OWN. I don’t know if I’m even ovulating and frankly I don’t to know. I don’t want to go back on the merry-go-round of infertility treatment and temping and testing. We’re just going to be ourselves for a while and see what happens. My last cycle was 36 days long which is really, really close to being normal but my period was really light and took forever. I used to bleed heavily and painfully for 2-3 days. Now it was basically pain free and really, really light but went on for six days. I don’t know what that says about the state of my uterus and it’s ability to create the kind of cush that I expect for my belly babes.

And frankly, I don’t want to think about any of it. I just want to be normal and plan to get pregnant by the end of the year and actually do it. Is that really so much to ask?

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8 thoughts on “What, You Again?

  1. This is a hard one. I hope things end up working out for you guys, no matter what happens. And I hope that your second baby will come so much easier for you than your first did. IF is such a head game and emotional roller coaster, I don’t want you to have to go through that again!!

  2. I do my own version of this mental math, though my hard stop is my advanced age. (Geriatric moms, FTW!) Then I remember I have exactly zero control over any of it. And did you know that worry about things you have no control over is pretty much a waste of energy?! I’m still learning this, it seems.

    Set up some appointments, talk with your docs, know what you’re actually dealing with. The awesome thing is that you and Chief and Charlie are solid. No matter what comes next– even if not ideal– you’ll be okay.

    (Also, babies who turn into toddlers. I don’t have to physically wrestle mine, but he does yell a lot. A LOT. This is just to say, you are not alone. #solidarity)

  3. Ugh, this is hard. After struggling with IF before conceiving Peanut, when she was around a year old we had to put the idea of #2 on hold while I took a new job in a new state, attempted to sell a house, moved to a new location, and both hubby and I started new jobs. It took 9 months to sell our house but literally as soon as we had an accepted offer we started TTC. (then spent a year TTC on our own, finally got pregnant – ectopic, then more IF treatments before finally conceiving Bunny another year and a half later…. but I digress)

    I was nearly 37 when Bunny was born, so the age thing was a factor for me big time. I know you are several years younger than me, so you do have some time in your favor from a biology standpoint. But man, the realities of adult life sure do complicate things.

    What about just trying to do a TON of BD’ing in the next 5 months? I know you said you don’t want to track your ovulations, etc. but maybe just a ton of sex? Hah! Easier said than done, don’t I know it!

    But really, all you for sure have to decide right now is whether to actively “try” between now and January. You can always regroup and adjust course along the way over the next 5 months and take it as it comes.

    Oh, and I have had a terrible time getting Bunny to take some meds. I sort of tip her head way back so gravity is in my favor, then put the syringe against the inside of her cheek. She can’t really fight the gravity of the liquid going down her throat in that position, but yeah, I have to hold her like she’s in a straight jacket. It probably looks like child abuse to an outside. We do what we gotta do.

  4. im have same decision decding with third, first took four and a bit years, so decieded to try for second quickly and got pregnant within three months, now my daughter the oldest was and still is a handful the second one just slots in quite easy to be honest, its not that bad second time, your more prepared, and I felt like you and do feel like that now, I want ME back ive kinda lost myself and finalcally do I really want to have another and go back on maturnity leave, its all ifs and buts! xx

  5. If I’m remembering correctly, you wouldn’t go back to an RE right?

    Honestly once they start walking and before they start talking is one of the hardest stage. It get’s easier.

    • No not at this time for sure. We don’t have the money for it unless I go back to work full time, so I guess it’s a possibility in the future, but not right now. I could go talk to my OB and have the basic tests run to see where I stand.

  6. Only piece of advice: plan for the unplanned. It will be a variation of one option or a combo of a few. We rarely get what we want, but it always works out in the end. And thank you for being honest about toddler age. I needed to hear that. I think my good baby is turning into a handful of a toddler as well

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