I’m starting to have some real feels about the move.
We close on Friday which seems INSANE considering that Friday is the 9th and originally we weren’t scheduled to close until the 30th. We wanted to close earlier so this is a good thing-it gives us lots of time to paint and get moved in, but OMG.
I do not want to live in the town we live in anymore. The schools are trying to recover but they aren’t there yet and I don’t want to risk Charlie’s education, but also it’s just really far away from everything and while I’m always telling people that it’s just a fifteen minute drive (and it is) I’m tired of driving it. I don’t know anyone who lives here, no one wants to come out here to see us, we’re just ready to go.
And yet, today when we did the final walkthrough and I walked into what will be Charlie’s room my first thought was “but this isn’t her room. Her room is back at home.”
I genuinely do not think I would be having such a hard emotional time moving if it weren’t for Charlie. This house as much as it has been the bane of my very existence many, many times, is where we brought home Charlie. It’s where we struggled with infertility for three torturous years. It’s where Charlie said her first word (“DADA!”) and crawled for the first time and slept through the night for the first time and walked, then ran for the first time. Charlie got her start here and it feels like I got my start here too.
The thing that I wish for more than anything at this point is that we can sell the house and not rent it, and not from a financial standpoint because renting would actually be pretty lucrative for us, but because when I leave this house and close this door on what was our start, I need to be able to leave it behind. I don’t want to come back. It’s going to be too hard.
I told Chief that I would start to pack up Charlie’s room tonight but I didn’t even though throwing her books in a box would have taken me ten minutes but I am NOT EMOTIONALLY READY. This is Charlie’s home. This is where Charlie lives. I can’t believe I thought it would be so easy to just walk away.
And maybe what’s getting to me most of all is that I can’t believe our beginning is over. There’s a lot of years and fun and happiness and hard times left to come, but you only get one beginning. This house has had five years of me and Chief, and two years of the three of us if you count when I got pregnant. This frankenmonster of a house, the house where dreams go to die that has made me curse and scream and pull my hair out is a part of us. It’s going to be hard to close the door.
This is Charlie’s first house. This is where Charlie lives, and where Charlie lives is always where my heart will be.