This is where Charlie lives

I’m starting to have some real feels about the move.

We close on Friday which seems INSANE considering that Friday is the 9th and originally we weren’t scheduled to close until the 30th. We wanted to close earlier so this is a good thing-it gives us lots of time to paint and get moved in, but OMG.

I do not want to live in the town we live in anymore. The schools are trying to recover but they aren’t there yet and I don’t want to risk Charlie’s education, but also it’s just really far away from everything and while I’m always telling people that it’s just a fifteen minute drive (and it is) I’m tired of driving it. I don’t know anyone who lives here, no one wants to come out here to see us, we’re just ready to go.

And yet, today when we did the final walkthrough and I walked into what will be Charlie’s room my first thought was “but this isn’t her room. Her room is back at home.”

I genuinely do not think I would be having such a hard emotional time moving if it weren’t for Charlie. This house as much as it has been the bane of my very existence many, many times, is where we brought home Charlie. It’s where we struggled with infertility for three torturous years. It’s where Charlie said her first word (“DADA!”) and crawled for the first time and slept through the night for the first time and walked, then ran for the first time. Charlie got her start here and it feels like I got my start here too.

The thing that I wish for more than anything at this point is that we can sell the house and not rent it, and not from a financial standpoint because renting would actually be pretty lucrative for us, but because when I leave this house and close this door on what was our start, I need to be able to leave it behind. I don’t want to come back. It’s going to be too hard.

I told Chief that I would start to pack up Charlie’s room tonight but I didn’t even though throwing her books in a box would have taken me ten minutes but I am NOT EMOTIONALLY READY. This is Charlie’s home. This is where Charlie lives. I can’t believe I thought it would be so easy to just walk away.

And maybe what’s getting to me most of all is that I can’t believe our beginning is over. There’s a lot of years and fun and happiness and hard times left to come, but you only get one beginning. This house has had five years of me and Chief, and two years of the three of us if you count when I got pregnant. This frankenmonster of a house, the house where dreams go to die that has made me curse and scream and pull my hair out is a part of us. It’s going to be hard to close the door.

This is Charlie’s first house. This is where Charlie lives, and where Charlie lives is always where my heart will be.

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11 thoughts on “This is where Charlie lives

  1. I felt the same way when we moved last year and Gus was 20 months old. And I told myself that the new house would be the house he remembered, and where his friends came to play, and where we had Easter egg hunts, etc. And now a year later, I’m not sad anymore. He has friends in our new neighborhood, and play dates, and lots of other firsts have (and will) happen here.

  2. I can very much relate to this. We moved in June when my daughter was 14 months old and I was emotional about it for the same reasons. And I will say, it took me about a month to adjust to being in the new house. My child and my dog adjusted much sooner than I did. I missed the routines and comfort of the old house. My child wouldn’t sit still because she was constantly exploring her new surroundings. I had a few good cries about it but I knew that in time the new house would feel like home, that we would all settle in and find new routine and make new memories. And that has happened and I rarely think about the old house anymore. Be gentle with yourself, it is a huge transition wrought with emotion and your feelings are all valid.

  3. I have always struggled when moving homes. It is the fear of leaving the memories, the “home” part, the place where so much happened. But quickly the new home begins to hold all of that. It is a hard change but in the long run it will be worth it. I do think you have a right to feel these emotions though. Acknowledging them is good!

  4. Think of all the new and exciting things that will happen in the new house though! You can do her new room up as her big girl room. She won’t even remember the house you’re in now, she’ll have all of her memories in the beautiful new house. Try to think of all the positives that are going to come with moving. I know packing sucks, and saying good-bye to good memories sucks too…but this is the beginning of the rest of your life. Embrace it and run with it!

  5. Oh, I feel this. Yes. The hardest part of moving was leaving the house where Ansel was born. And being in a transitional rental makes it worse, as we can’t settle and make things into OURS yet. Feel those feels, girl.

      • Well, it was tough to find something in our price range that took dogs AND had a short term lease, so we are in a year lease. We may be able to break it if we find a subletter, which wouldn’t be difficult, and if that’s possible, probably on the sooner end of things. But if not, we are stuck until next spring/summer. I HATE it. 😦

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