Thursday

Not my best day

Storytime. When we first started going Charlie was the teeny baby among a room of toddlers, but I was okay with it because the moms were all so nice and I knew she was really getting something out of it. I have loved my storytime tribe. Nice moms and dads, cute kids-we all watch out for each others kids. I never hesitated to leave Charlie with them if I needed to run to the bathroom.

Understandably, their kids grew up and most of them have moved on to other, older storytime groups. Some parents have gone back to work. I had noticed this shift happening all summer. The last few weeks we haven’t been at storytime because we’ve been sick, but I was so excited to go today and discover….that I know no one. Seriously, there was one kid who had come a few times before and that’s it. But, never mind. That’s okay-new friends are good!

Charlie and I go to sit where we normally sit and then she clearly has a dirty diaper, so we left our carpet squares and excused ourselves. When we came back the mom we had been sitting next to had taken over our carpet squares with her diaper bag. I assumed it was just an oversight, but then we walked over there and she looked at me, looked at her bag, and then looked away pretty blatantly. I was very clearly and obviously snubbed. Which hurt surprisingly more than I would have ever thought. We went to the other side of the room and sat in the back. The moms over there were nice but they had super tiny babies which made me sad and nostalgic and charlie just didn’t really know how to play with them because you can’t really.

Then after storytime Charlie was playing with blocks and another new mom let her kid come up and yank the blocks away from Charlie so hard it almost knocked her over. But this mom was too busy talking to her friend to do anything about it, so at that point we went to talk to the Captain upstairs like we always do and then left.

As we were leaving the parking garage flubbed up and didn’t accept our validation. This isn’t a huge deal, it just meant I had to dig out my debit card to pay the $4.00. But the garage kept rejecting it. I brushed it off as a problem on their part and switched to a credit card and we left.

Then later we went to Kohls. I’m going to a concert tomorrow night and my wardrobe is sorely lacking. I have mom clothes (read: pajamas and holey jeans) and work clothes but not much in between-nothing for a fun night out. Nothing that fits anyway. So I haul my overweight self to try on clothes and surprisingly find several outfits I really liked. It had been sort of a rough day and a LONG time since I had bought fun clothes, and I thought I might treat myself, so I get us up to the front and hand over my debit card and….it doesn’t work. So I start to get nervous. She runs it again and it doesn’t work…again. After the parking garage incident I checked the bank account and it’s just fine. We’re in really good shape right now, so I knew something was up. I didn’t want to put this purchase on a credit card because we’re closing on the house tomorrow and while I don’t think $4.00 would upset them, $150 might. So I asked the girl to put everything to the side while I called the bank.

I walked around the store waiting on hold to find out that they had put a transfer from Chief’s account on hold. This transfer occurred A WEEK AGO, and for that matter I had been paid since then. Didn’t matter-they had basically put the whole account on hold and the hold wouldn’t expire until midnight. Two phone transfers later I finally got someone to remove it, but by this point it’s beyond time for me to be on the road to go eat family dinner. So I left the store feeling super embarrassed and looking like a mess because I had been trying on clothes at the speed of light to keep my toddler happy. I’m sure they thought I was just buying clothes with money I didn’t have.

Some days being a mom is just hard. I need more mom friends clearly. I think that’s an essential part of survival as a SAHM. I’m not digging my mom bod. I’m just not. I’ve basically accepted that I’m going to be unhappy with myself until I stop breastfeeding and I am trying to not be that way, but I just can’t help it. I am not that person who can love herself at any size and I so wish I was. You have no idea how much. I’m going to go back to Kohl’s tomorrow  to try and find the things I had picked up but I feel convinced that they’re probably gone and I’ll be going to the concert tomorrow in yoga pants and an old t-shirt. I tried to go online and do the online pick-up service but most of the stuff I had picked is not showing up as available at that store or the other one in town. I don’t want to try on more clothes. It was hard enough doing it this time.

But, I’m hoping for better tomorrow. We sign on the house and get the keys and I am going to the concert with my cousin who is one of my best friends, and we’re all having dinner before hand. I had hoped to have my hair done some time this week but even booking weeks in advance she was so full, so that’s waiting until next week, but I’m going to try and fluff it up the best I can. And while today could have been better, I’m trying to remember that I do have friends and that I do have the money in my account that I need, and that life could be a lot harder than it is. I’m letting myself feel the bad day and now also letting it go. Or at least, I’m trying.

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4 thoughts on “Thursday

  1. I’ve had days similar to this. I ALWAYS feel like people don’t like me, and when people blatantly snub me like that I could really just go into a corner and cry. That woman clearly doesn’t know what she’s missing out on!! I wish we lived closer, I would definitely be your mom friend and hang out with you! Because I know I’ll be feeling the same way you do now, after the baby is born. I’m desperately hoping that having her will bring me more friends, but I know that’s not always how it goes, so I’m also afraid I’ll be disappointed. But yes, you’re getting a new house tomorrow, and banks are stupid, and you DID find some clothes you like even if you have to go try to find them again!! Hang in there…I think once you get moved and settled you’ll feel better about life overall. Let me know if you need to chat! *hugs*

    • Yeah I have major insecurity issues and the other moms were just so nice. It’s not like we hung out other than at storytime but they never made me feel bad if Charlie reached out and grabbed something or accidentally stepped on their kids hand or something. We would always have our kids trade apologies and then just work together on helping them learn how to do better. I just don’t know this new crop of moms and while I’m sure most of them are nice, that one being that way has me feeling really wary and nervous.

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