The Real Truth About Librarian

I know that most of my posts lately have been about moving and Charlie, but frankly, I need to talk about me for a minute.

The truth of the matter is that mentally, I’m not doing well. The night before we moved I had a panic attack. Chief and I talked about it before bed and we’ve made a 360 on our decision to try for another. This was my idea-it’s what I wanted. I do not feel ready anymore. Emotionally or financially, and those are two big and important factors. Frankly I don’t know that I’ll ever feel ready. We may be one and done, and that would be okay. But at the very least. I don’t really want to try again for quite a while. Maybe not until Charlie’s in school. Maybe not ever.

But making the decision to go back on birth control sort of sent me into a tailspin. It feels like giving up, which is of course what we’re doing because it’s what I want, but for some reason it made me panic anyway. Maybe because the last time I came off birth control it took me three years to get pregnant, and if we don’t try again until I’m around 32 that puts me having another kid at 35, which is not idea for me for a large amount of reasons. So while Chief slept next to me I paced the floor with what felt like a tightening band around my chest, barely able to take a breath. In all, I got about three hours of sleep before the move the next day.

This has not become unusual. I’m not reacting well to any form of stress. Logistically I know that we’re going to be okay financially because the GI Bill money is coming and I have THREE part time jobs now, but having the other house is weighing on me big time. I worry about it constantly and wonder why we made this decision. It’s almost ready to be put back on the market and I know we can always rent it and we probably will, but no amount of logic and reason helps me. I have a spreadsheet that I adjust daily, sometimes twice daily, that shows we have a sizable excess each month. But this does not soothe me.

So what do I do? I panic, and I worry, and I eat. And I take things out on my husband. Like today, my friend owns a vintage furniture store that we were supposed to go to to look for a new sewing desk for me. She was going to trade it for some pieces that we no longer wanted so there would be no money lost on either side. But the cable guy had to come and fix the cable they just installed last week. He was here for almost four hours. Then it was Charlie’s nap time. About an hour into Charlie’s nap, Chief had to go to the doctor because his foot is still bothering him from the unfortunate auger incident a few weeks ago, and I swear to god, that man cannot walk without stomping and he woke her up. He claims he didn’t, but he did. Charlie is down to one nap a day so one hour is not enough. I flew off the handle a bit and threw the baby monitor down and said “Awesome, you fucking woke her up and now you’re leaving. Thanks a lot.” Not my finest moment. But guys, all I wanted out of today was to leave my house with my husband and my child. He said “you guys can still go after I go to work” but that’s not the point. If I go with Charlie then I have to worry about containing her all by myself. I just wanted one day where that’s not the case.

Anyway, after the stomping incident I tried to nurse her back to sleep but right now she’s just sitting in her crib playing with her blanket and her lovey. I’m taking a minute and am grateful that she’s not crying, because then I would feel the need to get her out of there, and right now I just need a minute. I just need a minute.

I need a fucking break is what I need. As I was nursing her I thought that what I wanted was a three day trip by train, somewhere, anywhere, by myself. I want the magical ability to go somewhere and not worry about what’s happening at home. I want to order room service on someone else’s dime and lay in a bed with pay per view and not be woken until i wake myself. I want to be able to just check out for a little bit. Realistically, I know that I don’t get this luxury anymore. That being a mom means you’re never checked out, you’re always thinking and worrying about your child, even when you’re on vacation, which makes me feel even worse that all I WANT is to not have to worry about another human for a few days, much less the one I created and love.

And the other thing is, I don’t think that being a mom means that you have to be constantly panicked and at people’s throats because you’re so freaked out 90% of the time.

So today, I did the bravest thing I’ve done in a long time and made an appointment with my OB to talk about getting back on the pill and to talk about my anxiety problems. Unfortunately they can’t get me in until October 10th. I sat there on the phone thinking “When I was pregnant I could always get in, what gives?” and then the mean voice in my head said “The readily available appointments are for the healthy women who can get pregnant and need to have their babies checked on-not for the crazy moms like you who can’t get it together.”

I shit you not. I’m a piece of work.

I just want to be back on the pill and probably something to help me cope. I never thought I would want to be back on the pill this badly, but the last thing that I need right now is another kid. I cannot handle another kid. I am not ready for one. I may not be the kind of person who will ever be ready for one. And I feel bad that all i wanted so desperately was another hour with the kid that I have asleep.  Just an hour of peace. The kid that I adore more than life-who I would do anything for. I love her so much, but I need a break from her and everyone. I just need to be by myself, and not in a house full of boxes to unpack with a mountain of computer work staring me in the face and a head full of worries about how I’m going to pay for everything and whether or not I’ll ever have another child, and if the answer is no then is my husband going to hate me because he always wanted two kids?

I need October 10th to get here, and damnit my dad is getting married two days before that and if I ever needed anxiety meds, I need them for that wedding.


33 thoughts on “The Real Truth About Librarian

  1. Oh girl. Of course you are overwhelmed with so much to do and worry about. Lack of rest can do that to you. Lack of me time can do that to you too. I hope that after the wedding and the appointment you’ll be able to breathe better and feel better. It’s only 12 days from now. Hang in there!

  2. Man, I was right there with you the other day. E is getting four teeth so putting him down is not an option. It is so hard to be “on” all the time. It is exhausting, both emotionally and physically. I have no advice for you. I don’t know if there is any other than take care of yourself. But man, I have days like this. Sometimes more than days.

  3. This is probably not advisable, but, I have a little stash of anxiety meds from taking them on and off in the past, just in case I need them in a pinch one day.

      • It has not ever been hard for me to come off of them. But I know it has for others. I was always on the lowest dose. I took them during the throws of ttc, and stopped before starting ivf. I took them again for about 6 months after having Oliver (after breast-feeding), then again after my miscarriage last year- probably for 2 months then. For me, they have helped with anxiety and gotten me through some dark days.

      • I’m worried about the breastfeeding part. I know that limits my options but I’m definitely not ready to stop and neither is the kiddo.

        Okay, frankly, I could be ready to stop, but she’s not so therefore I’m not either. And I also think that a lot of this mess in my head could be a direct result from my cycle returning and my hormones going through some major changes. It’s only been a few months and I feel like I go downhill weekly with a rapid slump in the last few weeks.

      • After having Oliver, probably 3 months, I just couldn’t stop crying. No real reason. Crying at Costco, wherever. I’m sure it was related to my hormones, but since the meds had worked before, we tried again.
        I’m sure seeing your Dr and talking through things will help a lot.

  4. Oh friend, I so feel you on this. I literally just had a really long conversation with a good friend at lunch about how anxiety just takes over your life and how hard it is to be a reasonable person when you’re dealing with anxiety. You have a lot of stress in your life right now–ANYONE would be feeling that burden. I hope you can find a way to wrangle some “me” time. The other day when I took 30 minutes to sit at Starbucks with my knitting and then another 30 minutes to go shoe shopping, I genuinely returned home feeling like a better version of myself–and it was only an hour! And Charlotte was napping for most of that hour anyway! But just getting out by myself and doing something for myself made all the difference in the world. Also, Catch and I have decided that we’re one and done because neither of us is prepared to add to the level of chaos presently in our home. I worship my kid, but I would honestly fear for my mental health if we had another. I’m fragile enough on a good day as it is. I also feel like all I ever wanted was to be a mother and Charlotte made me a mother–that feels like enough for me. For now, anyway. If I was younger, I’d consider a second when Charlotte starts kindergarten, but I’ll be 39 then, and I have zero desire to start all over again at 39. It’s hard enough right now at 35.

    • I’m looking into her doing mother’s day out. It would just be for five hours on one of Chief’s long days where he isn’t home at all, but the thought of it still sends me into a panic. Five hours a week away from her sounds awful but also….restful. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

      • I’m sure I do, I can’t imagine them keeping her from me. It’s from 9-2 and they have the option of Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday. I would do Tuesday since Chief is home most of Monday’s and we do storytime on thursdays. The enrollment period is technically closed but I’ve emailed to ask if they would still take her if they had a spot. If they say yes I’ll make arrangements to visit the facility. It’s close to our house and run by a reputable methodist church, so that part appeals to me, and I know it would be good for her. And me. I just have to wrap my mind around it.

  5. I’m going to sound like every a-hole out there for a minute. Bear with me.

    You have to put your oxygen mask on first. You need to take a break. And you need to MAKE it. It’s easy to deprioritize yourself because, well… you are the one thing you can actually control. So out goes all the day-to-day selfcare as you try to do “all the things.”

    I was doing pretty much this exact same thing a few months ago. Then I made a promise to myself that I would do as much as I can– but no more. I say no to things all the time now. Like now, for example, Mr. O wants us all to go to a soccer game right after work. I’m tired, Chick’s diaper bag is at home, we haven’t packed any food for him… this would be a shit show. “No.” That sounds like a really frivolous example, but it works on the big stuff too. You have to know yourself, what you can handle, then be honest with everyone around you about where your limits are.

    You are not responsible for doing everything. You can let go of a lot more than you realize.

    Also, drugs.

    • I feel so bad because I complain and get upset about this stuff and Jason never does, and he works and goes to school when I don’t, but I get so jealous of him getting to go somewhere in the car by himself, getting to go somewhere where he doesn’t have to watch a toddler while also running whatever errands he’s doing, gets to sit in his desk chair at work and goof off with his coworkers….I gave all that up when I chose to stay home and I don’ regret it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hard as hell, and I feel like I shouldn’t even complain because I CHOSE this, you know?

      • oh my god, I think about the fact that my husband gets to drive (alone!) to and from work every day, and gets to pee (alone!) whenever he wants, and gets to eat lunch (with his friends!) at a leisurely pace FIVE TIMES A WEEK — alllllll the time. I know this is what we as SAHM/WAHM have signed up for, but I think it’s totally normal to feel the way you’re feeling. I fantasize about hotel rooms and room service too (particularly the room service. No cooking! Or cleaning!) Plus add in the stress of a recent move, Jesus take the wheel, hon. It’s going to get better. Jason’s next day off, ask him to keep Charlie for an hour or two and just get out of there. Go drive, or window shop, or eat something delicious, or go to a movie. It’s not much but it’s a start.

      • He offers this to me all the time. Seriously all the time. This is why he is the better spouse. Also that he apologized to me when he left this afternoon when really he did nothing wrong (except walk too loudly). Sometimes it’s so hard when your husband is basically a saint. I know that sounds shitty. I am so lucky, but if he could just be a little LESS perfect sometimes it would make me feel better.

  6. You don’t have to get anxiety meds from your OB, you can go to your PCP for that. I would think you can probably get in there a lot faster than you OB. It might be worth it to check and see. And BTW, you’re not a horrible person or mom because you feel you need a break. You’re human, and everyone needs a break once in a while. You have a lot going on, and it’s natural that you would feel overwhelmed. We can all only be pushed so far before we crack. I don’t have any true advice for you, but try to hang in there. *hugs*

  7. You are not a bad mum for needing a break. Parenting is relentless, it really is. And sometimes we all just fantasise about getting a break from it all. I have felt like that a number of times since bub no 2 was born but it’s not every day. It gets easier too as they get older. I rarely used to feel that way with Monkey anymore prior to baby arriving but it was because he had daycare as I worked and I could fit in some time out in there. Anyway, great for booking an appt! Try to see a counsellor, that helped me heaps for my anxiety. The other thing that helps is exercise which I know you will hate hearing as you probably feel busy enough already but it does help. It also gives you time out which is great. If you can’t go without C then maybe a vigorous walk with the pram when you can? You have a HUGE amount going on right now. I mean HUGE. Moving house is a top 5 stressor and you have other stuff going on as well. Oh also be aware that for some people the hormones from the pill may not mix well. When I had anxiety bad the pill just made me crazy so just be in the look out for that once you start back on it. I hope you feel better soon. Anxiety is awful. I really feel for you. Hang in there.

    • I know, I’m so worried about going back on the pill, but I really don’t want an implant of any kind so that’s where we stand. I’m going to ask for the progestin only pill since I’m still breastfeeding and frankly, I never want to take artificial estrogen again anyway, so hopefully the reduced hormone load will help.

      I’ve really been wanting to exercise, it’s just hard to find time. I have heaps of time after she goes to sleep (well, other than unpacking) but I can’t leave her here and currently my house has no room for me to even do a workout video (if I could find one.) hopefully soon we’ll have dug out of this mess and I can get back ok track. I’m pretty unhappy wth myself physically.

      • Have you considered the IUD? If I needed birth control, that’s what I’d choose, and I do know a LOT about contraceptives.

      • I have thought about it, but I sort of have a fear of having an implant for a couple of reasons. For one thing they just sort of freak me out. For another my sister had terrible symptoms from hers and had to have it removed almost immediately and finally, I had a friend get pregnant on one and they had to do emergency surgery to remove it. So I’m probably just going to stick with the devil I know, though I don’t want to go back to combo pills so I’m going to ask for the mini pill and be super diligent about taking it at EXACTLY the same time.

      • Those are all good reasons to choose pills. OCPs are terrible for my mental health, although the ring was effective for me during IVF- that’s another option for lower hormone dose, not long acting

      • I don’t remember them messing with my head when I was a teenager and in college, but I never took the mini pill before so I have no idea how it will affect me. I am nervous about it because it’s been since 2011 since I took bcp except for ttc purposes, but hopefully if I express my anxiety my doctor will have some advice/reassurance for me.

  8. You have super stress, your response is normal, the stress isn’t reasonable however. AND the stress is outside your control and you need help. Medicine is absolutely an option but it needs to under a doctor’s supervision. Did you tell the OB’s office you are close to an anxiety breakdown and ask to be on cancellation list? Might help. Right now it does not sound like you should wait quite that long to be seen.
    Parenting today is way harder than it used to be. You clearly do adore your baby. Recognizing you are not able to comfortably have a second child, financially, personally, or what ever at this time takes a lot of honesty and personal knowledge and COURAGE. In a different time you might have easily been the mother of 6 or even 8. Today’s world is flat brutal on mothers and parents in general. You are being a wonderful mother, wife and person. You simply are in a hard situation and there are no easy solutions. Better living through chemistry really really can help. Controlling hormones is part of better living though chemistry so the OB is particularly qualified. Good wishes!

  9. I’m so sorry things are hard. For the record, I take celexa for anxiety and did throughout my pregnancy and breastfeeding and it’s safe. I also take Ativan for panic attacks and that is the best benzo for breastfeeding. I think meds are live changing, for either short or long term. I also think you can give yourself some grace about needing space. You’ve had a lot on your plate and some time to yourself seems warranted and well deserved. Take care of yourself!

  10. I think we have all been there. I know I have my days where I want to throw up my hands, say fuck it and just leave for a few days with no adulting. Because adulting sucks some days. Have you thought about finding someone, like a therapist, to talk to? I know it was the best decision I made at one point in my life. I had such a good experience. No matter what, definitely find time for yourself!

  11. You have had so much on your plate lately that I can understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed and needing a break. Everyone needs a break from their children sometimes so do not feel guilty about that. It doesn’t reflect on how much you love her at all. Sending you love and huge hugs!!!

  12. Oh hun I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way and that your doc couldn’t fit you in earlier. You are so brave to have made that first step. I think that everything you are feeling is very natural, but anxiety is never a good thing because it feels awful and runs you down (coming from someone who is having difficulty with it myself right now).
    Always here if you want to talk hun.

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