Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes….

It became unavoidable and I had to go see my PCP today. I’ve been sick sick sick. I was sick as a dog over Christmas and when it finally seemed like it was getting better it came back this morning and walloped me. I couldn’t speak this morning and had a very thick coating of gunk on my throat that, when finally decided to dislodge (and that’s as much detail as I’ll give you about that) I got a little bit of relief from the sandpaper fire throat I was experiencing.

I was worried that whatever I had could be turning into something worse, so I finally sucked it up and made an appointment. i had been avoiding seeing him for anything because i’ve gained so much weight since starting the antidepressants (and if I’m speaking my truth, some weight before that too) and I know my cholesterol and stuff is probably way bad.

There is also the awkward issue of him no longer being Charlie’s doctor.

If he was bothered by that though he didn’t indicate it and was very professional. But we did sort of have a coming to Jesus moment about me taking better care of myself (which is funny because he’s Jewish). He thinks my hormones are majorly out of sorts. I’ve been having a problem with tinea versicolor on my neck (a fungal rash) that isn’t clearing up well. I also have some patchy rash around my breasts that he says screams hormonal issues to him. That coupled with the major weight gain (3o pounds since I saw him last when Charlie was about six months old) had him pretty worried.

He was also concerned about the antidepressants. Because I’m a horrible blogger I haven’t been around to tell you that I asked my OB to switch me to Well.butrin because Eff.exor, while stabilizing my mood, was killing me. The massive and sudden weight gain, ZERO sex drive, inability to orgasm when I did have sex, and exhaustion that just wasn’t getting better had become unmanageable. He switched me over to well.butrin and the nurse said I could just stop eff.exor and start well.butrin. Well, that is NOT at all what I’ve heard about eff.exor so I delayed switching until after the holidays. I didn’t figure it was a good time to mess with my mental health…

When I mentioned all this to my PCP he sort of balked and said that no, I should NOT stop eff.exor cold turkey. He said it’s a bit challenging to come off of (though I’m on a low dose which is good) and that he would want to titrate me from it, but that helpfully I COULD start the well.butrin while going through that process, and that yes, the Well.butrin should help with the weight gain, the exhaustion, and the sex drive issues.

However. My allergies are insanely out of control. That’s what’s going on he’s almost certain. We had talked about me doing allergy testing and shots before and it’s becoming a reality now, but I can’t start the process until Charlie is weaned, so it’s time to get serious about that. In the meantime he’s put me on two different antihistamines and a nasal spray to help out, plus an anatacid because my reflux has been bad lately and that will also cause the morning sore throat. Then hopefully once that’s under control we can focus on switching my meds over and figuring out my bloodwork, plus help me get some of this weight off. I’m pretty uncomfortable in this body, and not even in an attractiveness sort of way, but in a “hard to walk up the stairs without collapsing” and “stomach gets in my way all the time” way, you know?

I return in a few weeks to start the eff.exor to well.butrin process. Honestly, it feels good to have just been honest with him about everything. We did have a light moment when talking about the antidepressants where he asked me if I was seeing anyone. We had just been talking about my sex drive issues so I automatically said “Well, my husband….” and he said “Umm, I meant a therapist.” Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

The weaning…I’m both looking forward to and not looking forward to. My hard deadline is two years, so six months from now, but frankly I would be okay with being done before then. I’m going to talk to Chief about dropping the morning nurse when she first wakes up, but this will involve him getting her up and immediately taking her downstairs for breakfast. I’m hoping if we drop one feeding at a time it won’t be SO awful.

So that’s me right now. Sorry for the crap updates. I hope everyone had good holidays. Mine were mostly alright, though there was some sister drama I’ll fill you in on if you’re interested. Toodle-oo!

18 Months: Welcome to Hellville

Did someone come and replace my daughter with an attitude filled, sleep hating toddler? I want answers people!

Just within the last week or so things have gone to hell and a handbasket. Technically sleep started getting bad in November when we lost DST. Charlie never really recovered from that change and she started waking up around 5:30 am which sucks hardcore. But we’ve been trying to work with it the best we can and sometimes we can either get her back to sleep for a few hours or she’ll just randomly sleep in and surprise us.

What the REAL problem is is bedtime. My previously sleep trained (via Happy Sleeper method, highly recommend) happy to lay in bed until she fell asleep peacefully baby is now screaming these blood curdling banshee screams as soon as I exit the room. When I go back in for five minute checks she will INSTANTLY lay down and try to go to sleep, but if I leave the banshee comes back. So what we’ve been doing is just sitting next to the crib. When we do this, she’s asleep in five minutes…..but why do we need to do this? What’s happened?!

I read somewhere that at 18 months a new bout of separation anxiety can hit pretty hard and I definitely want to be sensitive to that, but I also don’t want to create bad habits and crutches that are going to be hard to break in a month or so when this period is over. Does anyone have experience with this particular regression? I welcome advice. WELCOME IT.

This is not the post I thought I would be publishing tonight

I have another post that is mostly written about what has been going on in our lives via the house disaster, recovering from losing Pepper, Charlie’s life in general, and my life after starting antidepressants. Sort of one of those “I’m a crappy blogger these days, so here is a catch all to get you caught up” posts that no one really wants to read but a handful of you would (and will) to be polite.

But a few things happened all within the span of a few moments tonight that changed the trajectory of my evening, and I want to share them with you.

Charlie has been challenging lately. She’s 18 months old next week so there is nothing surprising or out of the ordinary about this. She’s either a sweet, cuddly, perfect angel baby, or she’s a cranky, screaming, tantrum throwing monster baby. You don’t really know which version you’re going to get, and tonight I ended up with somewhere in the middle. To top it all off, after feeding herself a few spoonfuls of her supper she decided that rubbing it all over herself was much more fun and then was D-O-N-E done-like get me out of this chair RIGHT NOW done. Finally, she pooped in the tub, and then pooped on the floor while I was cleaning out the tub. At that point I was D-O-N-E done-like get me out of this house RIGHT NOW done.

Still, I finally went by the library today while she was at MDO and got us a load of books, so I was determined to read to her some of the Christmas stories I had picked out. I read one to her about Santa being allergic to cats and finding just the right home for a kitten he had rescued. Everytime I said “ACHOO!” in my Santa voice she giggled in that charming way that makes you forget about the pooping in the tub and any other toddler sins she may have committed. Once I was done with that one I settled in on the floor for our pre-bedtime routine of playing the hugging game.

My phone buzzed. Normally I don’t look at my phone during bedtime because it’s Charlie’s time and I try to give her my full attention when I can, but with all the insurance stuff going on with the house I decided to just check. We’re waiting to get a pretty big answer on something right now. It wasn’t insurance though, it was a friend I haven’t heard from in a long time who was asking me which fertility specialist I had seen and telling me that she wasn’t really liking the one she was currently seeing because she felt he wanted to run too many tests. I shot off a quick response telling her who I saw and letting her know that I was sorry for what she was going through. When I looked up, Charlie was holding our personal copy of “Wish” by Matthew Cordell.

If you haven’t heard of Wish, it’s a picture book for children about a couple that goes through infertility, but it doesn’t portray the doctor’s offices or the financial struggles. It’s very poetic and very beautiful. It’s about the waiting and the wishing. It came out a few months before Charlie was born and it’s the reason why elephants have been a big part of her life (my mother always turns her nose up, thinking about republicans).

Charlie has hundreds of books already, but she brought me the one book we have for her that talks about infertility. I read it to her on her birthday, on the day I found out I was pregnant, and on the day I heard her heartbeat for the first time-a few times a year. But she wanted it tonight, right when a friend of mine was hurting enough to reach out and ask me for help.

The final page of Wish is a dedication page and I’m going to type out part of it for you here:

“…to every mother and every father
and every would-be mother and father
who knows, has known, or will know
the joy that follows the difficulties
that come when we wish.”

After I put Charlie in bed for the night I sat down and typed a longer message to my friend. I didn’t give her any advice. I didn’t tell her to let him run every damn test in the book, because if this goes on for a long time she’ll be glad that he did. I didn’t tell her to find a way to distract herself as much as possible because she’ll need it to get down the road she’s traveling. I didn’t tell her to be her own advocate  because she is the only one who will be. What I told her was that I was sorry. I told her that it has to be one of the least fun clubs to be in, this infertility club that no one comes out of completely unscathed. I told her that I wouldn’t pry or ask her any questions, but that on the same token, I was always around if she needed someone to cry with, vent to, ask advice, or hold her hand, because no one should have to go through this alone and sometimes, try though they might, husband’s just don’t get it.

When or if she asks me for advice I’ll be ready to give it, but right now I’m ready to just be the friend she probably needs. When I finished my message Charlie started to cry, so I went into her room. She was standing in her crib but as soon as she saw me she curled up with her pig stuffed animal and her blanket and I put my hand on her back and started to rub. She was content, having had her wish for comfort granted. What she doesn’t know is that just her existence was and always will be my greatest wish.

House update

Well, I got two hours of sleep last night, so that sucked.

I talked to my agent first thing and he THINKS they’ll cover it but he did have his very serious voice on and not his usual reassuring and jovial voice. He said that the house being vacant is okay as long as we’ve left the heat on (we have). I did mention to him that I was bothered that no one in his office had mentioned the vacancy endorsement that would offer me further protection. He got a little defensive about it and said he would add it today.

Anywhoodle. Then the claims office called to get more details and I talked to them about what had happened. They said the adjuster would call me in the next two days to schedule a time to come out and see the damage. I said that I was concerned about letting the water sit for that long and they said they highly recommend doing water mitigation and said that I was covered up to $143000 for this damage. So we’ve got servpro coming out this afternoon. They will definitely be ripping up my floors, and there’s a good chance the cabinets and parts of the dry wall will also be coming up, but they’re supposed to try and save my countertops hopefully.

The guy from the claims office said that he also felt like I shouldn’t worry about this not being covered, so I’m choosing to believe that maybe we’ll be okay. I’m still worried that they might cover it now and then drop us in April because I’ve read some horror stories about that and then people can’t get insurance anywhere once they’ve been dropped, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Just a little bit of panic.

Or, honestly, a lot.

Today I got a call from our realtor who had someone showing the house that there had been a water line burst in our old house and the kitchen floor was totally ruined as was part of the living room.

Now I’m finding out that because the property is vacant and has been for a few months their is a good chance my insurance not only won’t pay anything but will drop us and make it impossible for us to get coverage elsewhere, meaning we’ll default on our mortgage.

Our company KNEW the house was vacant because we called them and told them and never said we needed a vacancy endorsement or anything, so I’m praying our agent can go to bat for us, but I’m really worried about what the adjuster is going to say when they come to inspect the damage and see the vacant house.

So, anyway, my week isn’t getting better.