Look, I’m just going to be honest-I want to be thinner. But it’s not just for looks.
Yes, do I think I look better in my clothes with less weight on my frame? Yes, yes I do. BUT I don’t think I look bad now-I’ve made myself a lot of cute stuff that I will alter to fit if and when I lose weight. People tell me I look good all the time. So that’s not such a huge issue. An issue, but not a huge issue.
What is a huge issue it how uncomfortable I am. What is a huge issue is that I have a fungal rash surrounding my neck like a giant choker that is almost certainly a result of some sort of hormonal nightmare (we’re running blood work next week) and people get freaked out when they see it and think it’s contagious. It won’t clear up with normal treatment and is spreading down to my breasts.
What is a huge issue is that I can’t run up one flight of stairs without being out of breath.
What is a humongous issue is that I’m too tired to play with my daughter A LOT of the time. It’s too hard to carry her around for too long.
What is a catastrophic issue is that my family has a history of heart disease and diabetes a mile long, and I can’t ignore that. I carry my weight in my middle which is so, so bad for your heart. I want to live a long time for Charlie.
So. Do not take it as a matter of body hate when I say that I’m trying to lose weight. In fact for me, when I am actively working out and eating right, it is absolute body love. I want to protect and preserve my body for as long as possible.
But I. am. struggling.
Today Chief had to go work with emergency response because we got TWO INCHES OF SNOW. So aggravating. He said he didn’t do anything all day but they won’t release him until morning. I got down because while everyone else gets a day off with their family, my husband always has to go. On top of that we’ve started weaning and I really think it’s taking a toll on my mental health. I’m so ready to switch my antidepressent from eff.exor to well.butrin, but my GP wants me to wait to start until he can help me titrate the dose of eff.exor, and I see him on Wednesday for the bloodwork.
The point is, I’ve been sad all day. Just sad. I have not loved myself today. I’ve tried. I had a healthy smoothie for breakfast and a turkey sandwich and yogurt for lunch. I had my regular burrito for Friday dinner and I always have done that, even when actively losing weight, so I don’t feel bad about that. What I do feel bad about is the chocolate and cereal I’ve snacked on all day. I’m such an emotional eater, and today I was bored and depressed, so I ate my way through the day.
I want my daughter to grow up loving her body, and by loving her body I mean eating healthy food. Treats are fine, but they need to be consumed with a clear head and in moderation. I want her to be healthy. I don’t want her to be wondering why her skin won’t clear up or why she has to take 2-3 naps a day to make it through the day, like I do. I don’t want her to have absolutely ZERO sex drive like I do.
If I felt good at this size and my cholesterol was OK and I was active and eating well, I could stay here forever. Seriously. But none of that is true, so I’m trying to do better. But despite the fact that I know what to do, I’m having such a hard time getting past my emotions and doing it.
Self-love is eating the fruits and vegetables that are going to help my digestion and give me energy. Self-love is working out throughout the week and getting off the couch because after all, sitting is the new cancer. Self-love is putting down the soda and picking up the water (one thing I have been successful at this week).
I’m trying to love myself enough to give myself another chance.