Figuring Out Self-Love

Look, I’m just going to be honest-I want to be thinner. But it’s not just for looks.

Yes, do I think I look better in my clothes with less weight on my frame? Yes, yes I do. BUT I don’t think I look bad now-I’ve made myself a lot of cute stuff that I will alter to fit if and when I lose weight. People tell me I look good all the time. So that’s not such a huge issue. An issue, but not a huge issue.

What is a huge issue it how uncomfortable I am. What is a huge issue is that I have a fungal rash surrounding my neck like a giant choker that is almost certainly a result of some sort of hormonal nightmare (we’re running blood work next week) and people get freaked out when they see it and think it’s contagious. It won’t clear up with normal treatment and is spreading down to my breasts.

What is a huge issue is that I can’t run up one flight of stairs without being out of breath.

What is a humongous issue is that I’m too tired to play with my daughter A LOT of the time. It’s too hard to carry her around for too long.

What is a catastrophic issue is that my family has a history of heart disease and diabetes a mile long, and I can’t ignore that. I carry my weight in my middle which is so, so bad for your heart. I want to live a long time for Charlie.

So. Do not take it as a matter of body hate when I say that I’m trying to lose weight. In fact for me, when I am actively working out and eating right, it is absolute body love. I want to protect and preserve my body for as long as possible.

But I. am. struggling.

Today Chief had to go work with emergency response because we got TWO INCHES OF SNOW. So aggravating. He said he didn’t do anything all day but they won’t release him until morning. I got down because while everyone else gets a day off with their family, my husband always has to go. On top of that we’ve started weaning and I really think it’s taking a toll on my mental health. I’m so ready to switch my antidepressent from eff.exor to well.butrin, but my GP wants me to wait to start until he can help me titrate the dose of eff.exor, and I see him on Wednesday for the bloodwork.

The point is, I’ve been sad all day. Just sad. I have not loved myself today. I’ve tried. I had a healthy smoothie for breakfast and a turkey sandwich and yogurt for lunch. I had my regular burrito for Friday dinner and I always have done that, even when actively losing weight, so I don’t feel bad about that. What I do feel bad about is the chocolate and cereal I’ve snacked on all day. I’m such an emotional eater, and today I was bored and depressed, so I ate my way through the day.

I want my daughter to grow up loving her body, and by loving her body I mean eating healthy food. Treats are fine, but they need to be consumed with a clear head and in moderation. I want her to be healthy. I don’t want her to be wondering why her skin won’t clear up or why she has to take 2-3 naps a day to make it through the day, like I do. I don’t want her to have absolutely ZERO sex drive like I do.

If I felt good at this size and my cholesterol was OK and I was active and eating well, I could stay here forever. Seriously. But none of that is true, so I’m trying to do better. But despite the fact that I know what to do, I’m having such a hard time getting past my emotions and doing it.

Self-love is eating the fruits and vegetables that are going to help my digestion and give me energy. Self-love is working out throughout the week and getting off the couch because after all, sitting is the new cancer. Self-love is putting down the soda and picking up the water (one thing I have been successful at this week).

I’m trying to love myself enough to give myself another chance.

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6 thoughts on “Figuring Out Self-Love

  1. Can you come to California and be my next door neighbor? You’d absolutely hate it here, but the weather is nice enough as we could make each other green food and go for walks with our Charlottes. And the. You could also take in MY clothes when we both wake up healthier one day.

    • God I wish. On a day like today I wish it had been warm enough to just get out and use our zoo membership. Charlie was so stir crazy by the end of the day and I don’t blame her, and that would have netted me about a million steps and WW points.

      Also how could i hate it in California?! I LOVE california! Granted San Francisco is my favorite, but my uncle has a house in Garden Grove and it’s lovely too!

  2. Isolated indoors is hard and for women with small children it often leads to grazing and sugar and depression activities. The point to break is the isolation. Ideally you would go outdoors to a friend’s house. In reality the weather doesn’t make that a good idea so USE THE PHONE. Call a friend, say you are blue, say what you need to do next and set a time for friend to call you back or you call them back and report on progress. It can help your friend too! Isolated with only a child is not positive. Sounds like you and Molly might be that sort of phone call friend for each other. Break the isolation and it will help with the blues.
    ? Might it be yeast infection causing the problem on your neck? Ask your doctor.

  3. I could have written this myself, in many ways. I’m holding steady with my weight since she was born, but if I’m not careful that won’t be the case for long. I don’t watch what I eat at all, and forget it for exercise. I want to be thinner for my daughter, so I can get on the floor and run around and play with her like she deserves. I don’t know WHY it’s so dang hard to get motivated to do something about it though…if you figure out the secret, let me know. I’ll be here to help support you through this, I can be your cheerleader from afar!!

  4. You should follow the Trim Healthy Mama page on Facebook. It’s an eating plan that basically says no white flour, white rice, or white sugar, eat every 3 hours, and separate your fuels (don’t eat fats and carbs in the same meal – only one or the other). A lot of people have had great success with it without feeling restricted. There is a plan book and a cookbook but following the fb page is a good way to see if you’re interested enough to invest in those.

  5. First off, you hit one of your goals and put down the soda and drank water instead! That’s awesome…make sure you give yourself credit for that. Secondly, although I’ve never had to deal with depression, I do have to deal with eating my emotions and bad family history. Food is my addiction. When I started getting chest pains and having a racing heart several times throughout the day, that was my wake up call. I don’t want to end up on an operating table for open heart surgery like my Dad did at 36. I don’t want to end up with type 2 diabetes like he did later in life. Well, in his late 50’s anyway since he died at 64. I like you want energy and to see Annabelle’s life play out for a very long time and that has been enough to keep me motivated this time. We’re on Day 11 which isn’t all that long but it’s longer than I’ve gone before with no candy, sweets, baked goods and soda. You can do this!!! I wrote on my mirror this morning “Don’t let your excuses be stronger than your reason” and I’m going to have to remind myself of that several times a day because the struggle is real! We’re here for you though and you can seriously message or text me anytime you need to. I’ll send you my number via fb. You got this, Girl!!! I know it’s so hard and I know you’re dealing with things that I can’t understand but I know you’ve got this!!! Sending you so much love and lots of big hugs!!!

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