Everyone wants to fix you, and sometimes there isn’t a way to fix it.
I saw my GP today to get started on titrating off of effexor and on to wellbutrin. He also ran some lab work to make sure that the fatigue and exhaustion I’m feeling (slept seven hours last night and then slept again from 9:00 am-noon today) isn’t due to iron, vitamin deficiency, thyroid, blood sugar, etc.
While I was there he talked to me about seeing a therapist. He is not the first. Anytime I talk to someone about my antidepressants (and that’s not a lot of people) it seems there is a pretty good chance someone is going to want me to see a therapist. One of my best friends gently pushed me about it before the holidays. I have seen a therapist in the past and I didn’t feel a lot of result from it. I tried, and I’m not saying there isn’t value in therapy, but I have a lot of reasons for feeling like therapy is not going to fix the reasons that I need help with my depression and anxiety.
On Christmas Day we started at my dad’s house. His new wife, my sister and my BIL were there, of course along me with me, Chief and Charlie. Everything was going okay, though of course with my sister around there is always a chance of something unfortunate happening. After we opened gifts Chief was cooking us breakfast in the kitchen and someone brought up my cousin P, who also happens to be Charlie’s godfather. He is my cousin on my mother’s side. Now, Dad and my sister both really hate P. Dad hates him because of a weird real estate thing that they disagreed over and my sister hates him because P, unlike everyone else, won’t put up with her shit and dishes it right back to her. K is not used to people actually standing up to her, so she makes him into a villain anytime she can.
Chief and I had recently discussed that as Charlie is becoming more of a person as opposed to the baby lump she used to be that we need to be much more careful when discussing people around her. I’ve tried to really tame my own tongue when it comes to discussing my in-laws. I very politely asked them to refrain from discussing P in such negative tones because he is Charlie’s godfather after all. P and his wife S (my cousin by blood) love Charlie so much that they have set up a college fund for her and S is one of the people I actually trust to babysit. Besides the fact that I don’t want Charlie to hear it, I also don’t want to hear it. I love them and they’re good people. Dad understood immediately but of course K had to fight back and be a brat about it.
Later that afternoon we were at my grandmother’s house. After we had opened gifts everyone was getting the food ready. I was really sick over Christmas so I had brought premade stuff so I wouldn’t have to touch all the stuff at my elderly (and therefore prone to illness) grandmother’s house (although it did turn out to just be allergies). K was cutting something with a SHARP knife, not a butter knife, and Charlie toddled past. K chose that moment to swoop her up and try to hold and play with her. My mother and I both objected immediately because K is clumsy under the best of circumstances, and I wouldn’t want ANYONE holding my child with a knife in their hands. I won’t even do that. K immediately fired back at me saying that she was fine and she knew what she was doing. Then mom immediately turned on me despite her own protestations to the situation and said that I shouldn’t try to start fights with my sister over Christmas and that K was fine.
This may seem unrelated to my issue with seeing a therapist, but it’s not. This is the reason why I don’t think therapy will work well for me. My depression and anxiety, in my opinion, are directly rooted to the way I was raised, which was that I was always wrong, and that my abusive and hateful sister was always right. Always. It’s been that way for 28 years. I have horrible dreams involving K screaming at me for hours at a time, and I just sit there, taking it. Sometimes I scream back. On the nights that I scream back, I wake up feeling like I’ve done something terribly wrong.
I don’t want to see a therapist because I would have to tell them all of this, and they would want me to mend this relationship. I don’t want to mend it. I obviously don’t want to hurt anymore, but someday my parents will be gone (please don’t take that as me wishing for that day, because that is far from the truth) and I will have no reason to have contact with her. That is what I want.
And frankly, a lot of my issues also stem from being afraid of something horrible happening to my child, and doesn’t every mother have that fear? How do you fix that in therapy?