Sigh….Feelings about Today

This post is not just about Trump. You might think that, but it’s not.

I mean, it is a lot about him, but not all.

When I got up this morning I got ready to go because we had decided to take the baby to the zoo as a distraction from T-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named’s….event. Shudder. As soon as I came downstairs Chief told me that Charlie was going to have a new cousin. My sister-in-law is pregnant.

And…I’m happy for her. But you know the drill. I’m not happy for me. But I really wish I didn’t feel that way. I HAVE a baby. She’s amazing. I don’t even know if I want another one. Honestly I think I could be okay either way, but I certainly don’t want another one right now. There are too many good job opportunities coming up in the next year. So why are my ovaries shouting at me that I should get pregnant again? Is this just the green-eyed monster talking? I would say yes except that I feel this way all the time. I want another one right now in my heart but my head knows that it’s not a good idea.

So the problem is that I’m sitting there picturing all those amazing firsts-first positive test, first ultrasound, first heartbeat, first kick. Seeing the belly grow and grow. All the parts about pregnancy that I really loved. And that, thinking about alllll that. That gives me some feels. And then remembering my sweet newborn. She was so soft and pink. “She even smelled pink” as Lorelai Gilmore would say-and she’s right. Newborns have such a sweet smell. Maybe it’s just hormones. I don’t know.

I didn’t try to articulate any of this for Chief because he just doesn’t get it. And that’s okay. I emailed Molly from Hound Mama’s who let me vent my terrible feelings to her like a champ, and that helped. But I’m still smarting a little from this.

To make things worse, my mother-in-law decided that she needed to have a facebook account now that the good daughter-in-law is pregnant. She signed up today. She sent me a friend request. I haven’t accepted yet. My father-in-law has been busy putting up racist, anti-obama and pro-trump memes. I can’t imagine having both of them on there right now. I mean I’ve unfollowed my father-in-law. I did that years ago. But I’m a masochist who still goes over there occasionally to see what’s happening in his sick brain.

We had a really nice time at the zoo though. Really nice. Charlie loves the animals and the weather was beautiful so a lot of them were out in their areas to be seen. The Serval cat was RIGHT at the front of his enclosure. Charlie laughs when she sees the animals because she’s so happy. When she laughed he hissed at us and turned his back to her and sat stock still, letting her know how disappointed he was in her. I couldn’t help but laugh. Then at the heritage farm a goat named Charlie tried to eat her shoe, so that was pretty perfect. And we bought some of the sheep treats and let the sheep nibble them out of her hands and she giggled and squealed. My heart needed it. And don’t worry, I fed the sheep first to make sure they didn’t go after fingers or anything.

And then we went home, and I read the announcement that he had officially be sworn in, and I got nauseated and have pretty much stayed that way all day. I ate dinner through my nausea, I put my baby to bed through my nausea, I searched through my fabric stash for purple fabric to sew through my nausea….Am I going to be nauseous for four years?

So I’m glad we went to the zoo, because otherwise today would have been a real crapfest all the way around. Thank god for the zoo.

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2 thoughts on “Sigh….Feelings about Today

  1. this is an interesting document! you can read crowd estimates from large cities to small towns all around the US and the world (with citations!)
    Crowd Estimates, 1.21.2017
    DOCS.GOOGLE.COM

    You are not alone about babies or other things. Name the jealousy and then go forward with kindness.

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