Feelings….whoa whoa whoa

So many damn feelings you guys.

To start, I’m so damn close to being off of the effexor. I’m down to a quarter of a dose a day and after that I was supposed to jump to every other day. Nope. My body can’t handle it. I get dizzy and nauseous. I called the doctor today and he told me to stay on a quarter dose daily for several weeks and try again. It’s SUCH a hard drug to get off of, and it’s just not worth it. Sure, I wasn’t depressed, but I was exhausted and gaining weight like crazy. I’m ready to be done with it for good. Being dizzy when you live in a two story house is not fun, especially when you’re carrying a toddler.

On top of that I had this terrible TERRIBLE bout of acid reflux today. When I get acid reflux I get super nauseated and I belch-I don’t get the actual heartburn feeling. I took a zantac and a pepcid and ate very bland starchy food today. One more zantac before a bland starchy dinner, and I THINK I’m past it. What caused this unfortunate event? Coffee. That’s all I can figure. All I had for breakfast was a fat free yogurt and a banana, but I had about 24 oz of coffee…..Which in hindsight, was a mistake.

But, on the bright side, I really love Wellbutrin. For the first time that I can remember in my life I have no desire to emotionally eat. Now I know if I have a craving it’s because I actually want to eat that food. I don’t just graze all through out the day and I’m not having to consciously keep my hand out of the chip bag. I just get to the end of each day and realize that I ate when I needed to and didn’t when I didn’t. It’s…liberating. That’s the best word. I feel liberated from the depression that has gripped me for SO long. I wish this is the drug I had started on because I wouldn’t have gained 30 pounds in three months, but the past is the past. I’ve lost seven of those pounds so far 🙂

I talked to my SIL who is pregnant today. We talked for a few hours via fb messenger about how she’s feeling, how far along she is, and when her ultrasound is (fine, six weeks, and three weeks from now). We talked a little about first ultrasounds and I told her about mine at six weeks and how nervous I was. And then I told her how when you hear your child’s heartbeat for the first time-you’re never the same. It changes you. I’m not pulling that crap where people say that you haven’t known love until you’ve become a parent. That’s crap. But there is no doubt that hearing the heartbeat that is beating inside your womb is life changing.

And I sat there and yearned for it all over again.  Why is this so. damn. hard. I do not actually want to be pregnant right now. I don’t. Not logistically. I want to go back to work in the next year. I want to get my health in line. We need to get the old house settled-there’s just too much going on. Chief just has this one year of school left and he’s done. Now is not the time. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting it so much. And that’s really hard, because for ONCE in my life my cycles are regular WITHOUT the pill, which makes me think we could be wasting prime opportunities that might be gone in a year or two, but it doesn’t matter. I have to do what’s right for my family. And frankly, I don’t think I could handle Charlie and a newborn. Toddlers are HARD. I do not know how folks handle both. I know they do it all the time, but man. I’m tired all the time now-I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like. I’ve even been thinking that waiting until Charlie starts school might be good. Then she could be a little older and understand what’s happening more, plus then we wouldn’t have to arrange full time childcare for two kiddos.

In a “pat myself on the back” sort of way-I was SUPER nice to my SIL even though she was so awful to me when I told her I was pregnant two years ago. I offered to make her some maternity clothes and told her that of course I would be sewing for the baby and she gave me her chosen colors for either gender. Apparently they’re doing the genetic testing when they go so they’ll find out early. I don’t know if that’s because of her age or what-she’s 35, do they do it at that age? Anyway, that’s where she stands. Of course I’m hoping that everything goes well for them. They’ve been trying for a while and were just about to start actual infertility treatments, so this is a major blessing. But it doesn’t stop me from having ALL the damn feelings about it.

Do fertiles ever feel this way? I mean really? I can’t imagine NOT feeling melancholy about pregnancy.


2 thoughts on “Feelings….whoa whoa whoa

  1. It takes time, and self examination on if ‘you would really be happier if another person was not pregnant just because you aren’t’. (And, I think you fall on the side of love.) Then you can both feel the joy for them and acknowledge your own wishes for you. Think of the scales of the Statue of Liberty having two pans; you too can hold both sides at the same time…and I think you are doing this. This is what I saw in your post. SO congratulations to you on doing hard things and kind things.
    About the meds…. I am sorry. And I hope in the future for all your family you remember and teach to always ask about side effects and also coming off for ALL medications prior to going on them. And ask what alternatives exist if the answers are not to your liking. Increasingly today this is going to be important. Best wishes and much support!

  2. I’m glad you’re continuing to do better! I have reflux, but I’m the same way…I almost never feel heartburn, but I have a huge belching issue! Only when I was pregnant did I have heartburn and actually have acid/bile move up my esophagus when laying down. I have the hardest time with most veggies, which makes it hard to want to eat healthy lol. Whoever invented this new low acid oj is my new hero though!
    I kinda feel like most of us who have gone through a struggle to get pregnant, always think about being pregnant again. Hell, since just after C was born I’ve been thinking about getting pregnant again. It’s on my mind almost constantly. That doesn’t mean I’m ready to get pregnant again right now though. Why was your SIL mean to you when you got pregnant? I don’t think I was following you yet at that point…I’m happy that despite that, you were able to be nice to her. It’s so hard being nice to family when you don’t feel like it lol!
    Anyway, I hope things continue on an upward trend for you friend!! *hugs*

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