I’m ripping off AndiePants and her Ten Things on a Tuesday idea, because I have one of those posts about a bunch of different things.
1. I talked to SIL today. She’s making it. She’s still, understandably, very sad, but said it’s getting better. She did have a hard time with a coworker who basically sent her an email with a bunch of bullshit instructions on how not to have a miscarriage. They included things like “take the elevator and not the stairs” and “make sure not to wear heels.” It made me want to email her myself and tell her what a fucking insensitive idiot she is. I assured SIL that she did NOTHING to cause this. Most miscarriages, especially this early on, can’t be blamed on anyone. They just happen.
2. SIL asked me a bunch of questions about IF testing and it occurred to me that I had forgotten so much, so I went back and read a lot of my blog from right before I got pregnant with Charlie. I realized several things, but one of them was that I think I used to be kind of funny and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of that in my writing, and I don’t quite know how to get it back. People tell me I’m funny on FB a lot, but it’s easier to funny with one and two line quips-that just comes naturally. I just feel like I’m probably not as entertaining as I once was, and sure, an IF blog isn’t really meant to be entertaining, but it doesn’t hurt.
3. Another thing I realized when reading my blog is that I haven’t thought about the basics of how my cycle works and symptoms and what not in a long time. A few weeks ago my boobs were really sore, especially nipples. I seriously didn’t even think about the fact that I had probably actually ovulated for once and was in the TWW (technically, though I wasn’t waiting on anything). I just assumed Charlie was being extra hard on them. It blows my mind that it never even occurred to me it could be the luteal phase, especially since three years ago that’s ALL I would be thinking about.
4. Things are really nice on well.butrin. Getting off of the effexo.r has been really hard though. Really hard. I got down to a quarter of a dose a day, then every other day, and then I tried to just stop, but by the end of day three I was so lightheaded I couldn’t stand it, so I took a dose. My strategy at this point is to go as long as I can without one and only take it if I have to, and surely eventually I’ll stop needing it. But well.butrin is wonderful. I feel so much better emotionally, I have no desire to eat my feelings anymore, it’s helping me lose weight really nicely, and my sex drive has bounced back from being in the basement on effex.or. Is it wrong to want to be on it forever?
5. I’ve been getting back into my sewing as I’ve been feeling better. In the last week I’ve made two outfits for Charlie and am already planning another one for tomorrow night. It keeps me from just lazing about, which is fine sometimes but I seriously need the creative outlet. I’m also working on a cross stitch project and have been doing 10-15 minutes of coloring before bed each night, and that helps to quiet my mind.
6. I’m working on a pretty huge project at the law firm-like a 100K project. So that’s pretty intimidating, but also, I’m kind of handling it like a bad ass boss, and it’s making me feel accomplished which I haven’t felt professionally since my child was born. I’m having to coordinate meetings with attorneys and vendors and product specialists, and they’re looking to me for my recommendations and professional opinion. It’s made me realize even more how much I miss working more than just a few hours a week, and how much I really, really want to work part time by the end of the year. Financially, we need it too, so it’s good that I want it.
7. The old house is finally coming along. Chief got all the flooring in the kitchen done. This weekend he’s working on painting cabinets and on Monday my step-dad is coming down and they’re going to install the cabinets and counter tops and hopefully get the appliances back in so that he can do the floors in the living room and we can get it back on the market.
8. I talked to our property manager and considering it’s going back on the market in March, he thinks it would be good to list it as for sale or rent and we’re TOTALLY down with that. March is a great time of year to try and sell a home in our area so I’m ridiculously hopeful for a sale, but I’m also just glad to cover all our bases. Obviously if it rents first we will take down the sale listing. I just need some income on it. We’ve lost literally thousands of dollars out of our yearly budget from it not being rented and that scares the shit out of me.
9. This sounds wrong, but my desire to go back to work is also really, really upping my desire to have another baby. Real honesty time: the idea of having another one while I was a mostly SAHM just really freaked me out, but if we have another one and I’m working part time it’ll be Chief and me doing a ton of it together, and I would actually have 20 hours out of the house to work and just be who I was before I had kids. Chief would be the primary daytime caregiver because he works nights. It would be a real role reversal for us. The problem with this is that I’m sure most employers would be reticent to hire a pregnant lady, so there’s that.
10. We got Charlie all signed up for MDO/Preschool next semester and we signed her up for the 3 days a week, which is their max. She loves it there so much. Like she isn’t even that excited to see me anymore when I pick her up. She smiles at me but then she goes back to playing like “Oh good-you’re here, Imma go back to pushing this baby vacuum around now.” This situation was key in the whole going back to work scenario, so I’m glad we got the three day slot. They shower her with love and you should see her haul at holidays-she came home with four or five bags full of valentines and crafts and little presents and snacks. We landed in such a good place there and I’m so grateful for it.
11. Things with my sister are surprisingly good now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still being very cautious with my trust and my heart and we’re not going to be best friends, but there does seem to be a tacit amount of peace between us, and we’ve even been able to even have some decent conversations. The big whopper is that today I gave her all of my frozen breastmilk for her baby goats. One of her momma goats isn’t producing enough and she was getting desperate. The milk had gone past when it could be donated to human babies and charlie won’t drink it, so at least it’s going to some babies out there. I saved one 6 ounce bag as a good luck charm, and now I have a deep freeze I can actually put food in which was my goal.
12. My mom is having a hysterectomy in April because her uterus is literally falling out. Literally. I didn’t even know that was a thing. She was working in the yard one day and said she suddenly felt like she had a tampon in, so she went to the doctor and he had to prop it back up in there (which sounds HORRIFIC) so he recommended they just remove it. She’s keeping everything else, but the uterus is going. She’s handling it well but I can tell she’s kind of sad about it, and I get that. It’s weird and hard and emotional for me in ways I didn’t expect, because my mom is really getting older and I’m starting to worry about her. Her blood pressure has started rising and she’s had some cholesterol issues. I’m at that point in my life where I’m going to be thinking about these things more and I didn’t expect it so soon, but my mom had me kind of late. She’ll be seventy when I’m in my early thirties. It’s just weird and hard. As hard as our relationship has been at times, she’s my mom, you know? She’s my mom. I can’t imagine my life without her, but lately I’ve been having to.
13. Finally at the end of March I’m going in for my pap and I’m considering asking for some CD3’s and CD 21’s just to see where I stand. I don’t want to start treatment, but I do just kind of want to see where we stand. I don’t know, is that crazy? I’m afraid that with that knowledge it will propel me back into crazy obsessive Librarian, and I like just being normal Librarian who just has sex with her husband when she wants to. so at least I have some time to think about it. And I can have an honest conversation with my OB about it too.
So that’s that for now.