House Stuff

I have hesitated to “publish” this news anywhere, either here or on facebook but….

We FINALLY got an offer on our house. I mean, when I say finally, it had been back up on the market for ten days when we got the offer so that’s actually pretty damn good. But it FEELS like a “FINALLY” because in the grand scheme of things it’s been almost an effing year.

And, better yet, it’s a full price offer with us paying 5K in closing and $550 for a home warranty. That’s way better than I expected. Our new realtor is the bomb.com.

Things that have me stressed:

1. It’s an old house. God knows what they’ll find in the inspection. My main points of concern are the foundation and the termite inspection. I have no reason to believe there will be a termite problem but I’ve been a bad girl and not kept a termite policy on the house. I HAVE kept a pest control one though with the same folks who did our termite policy, so I’ve probably assumed a little too much that if they saw a termite issue they would inform us so they could make some more sweet, sweet money off of us. Foundation wise, I mean, it’s an old house. Built in 1969. We did have a stairstep crack in the brick that we filled in and we’ve had no problems with that wall buckling or anything like that, so we’re assuming it was just normal settling that’s done now, but really god knows. I know there is virtually no vapor barrier left under the house so if they want us to replace that I have concerns about how expensive that’ll be. Otherwise the house is pretty damn new inside and out.

2. My realtor seemed a little concerned about appraisal but I feel like it’s really fairly priced. Price per square foot wise we’re much lower than most of the houses in our area, so if we’re overpriced then so are they.

3. They’re getting an FHA loan, which has a lot more requirements on the inspection.

I don’t know when the inspection is yet. Apparently maybe on Tuesday but she hadn’t heard for sure if that was happening. I just need the inspection to happen and for nothing major to come back. I have a few thousand I can spend on repairs but not much more than that without having to call on the bank of my dad. I could of course pay him back after the closing happens, but you guys know how I feel about asking my dad for money. If you don’t know how I feel, the answer is, I don’t like it.

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How Did We Get Here?

Hi y’all. It’s me again.

Don’t worry-I haven’t peed on anything new. The FRER put out another evap for a few hours and then it faded away. I guess this is why they tell you not to check them after the time is up.

I did go back today though and read some of my old posts. I was going back through the months on the left side of the screen and I noticed two things:

1. I have 250 followers. Seriously why do you guys still read this TERRIBLY boring blog about what seems to be nothing in particular lately. I’m so grateful you’re here and your support is like WHOA to me, but I’m just surprised. If anything I would have expected the followers to dip back down rather than go up.

2. I have been writing this blog since September 2012. We’re zeroing in on five years here. That’s just… That’s just crazy.

I look back and read those old posts and I don’t recognize that girl anymore. I like her though. She was funny I think. And she was real, and honest. So I’m going to try that again.

When I said this morning that I wasn’t crushed that the test was negative, that wasn’t a lie persay, but I was upset. More upset than I let on because I’m trying to put on this facade of not caring if I ever get pregnant again. And while I am not returning to real live fertility treatment anytime soon or hopefully ever, hearing my doctor tell me yesterday that my ovaries are more cystic than he remembered them being before and my uterine lining didn’t look good either….that was hard to take.  I want to be a unicorn.

So when I had those evaps I thought, yeah the timing isn’t perfect, but what is? Chief’s job means that I could still go back to work without us having to put Charlie (and the in-my-head potential new baby) in daycare. I could get the second kiddo knocked out before 30 and then the pressure would ease. 2-3 was the number I always wanted, but really probably just two. And I won’t lie-even though the fertility doctor (and my OB on Friday) said he didnt think I was ovulating, even though my boobs didn’t hurt and I’d had no ovulation symptoms, I WANTED that FRER to be positive this morning. I thought it would be. I was sad when it wasn’t.

And then when it popped a GD evap today I had hope. Again. And then a few hours later when it was gone I was sad. Again.

So now in my head I’m going “maybe clomid or letrozole in a few months when Charlie is weaned wouldn’t be so bad. that’s probably all it would take this time. Surely that would do it.”

This is what infertility does to you. I have spent the last 2.5 years being a fairly well adjusted and normal person not going down this road and now I’m toeing the line of going back down the wormhole of TTC and I just. won’t. do. it. I’m not temping. I’m not testing. I’m just not. I will have sex with my husband when we BOTH feel like it and no more than that. I’m not ready to be there again, even if I wanted to be pregnant this morning. I’m not ready to be trying to be pregnant.

And that’s the honest truth. Every bit of it.

WTF universe

Today is my birthday.
Yesterday I was cramping but it’s really early. I took two cheapie tests, both with the very faintest of lines:


I knew it probably wasn’t real, but the blank FRER this morning confirmed it. 

So two evaps in a row. I’m not crushed or anything since we’ve just been NTNP, but it was a total mind fuck.

And now that it’s my birthday and I’m officially not pregnant, I would like the cramping to stop.

Yep. Still Broken.

They remodeled the waiting room a little, so that was interesting. Other than that it was all the same, even most of the staff. My favorite nurse was there though the one who took my blood was new.

He did an ultrasound which I didn’t expect. It’s cycle day 23 and my ovaries are COVERED in cysts. It was a painful ultrasound. The uterus indicates that my estrogen is high in a not good way.

Then they took all my blood (had to stick both arms to get enough) but he went ahead and rxed metformin. 500 mg a day for 10 days, then up to 1000, then up to 1500. I’m not looking forward to the side effects but I am looking forward to the healing.

Even so, tomorrow is my birthday, so I’m starting it on Wednesday.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow at 9:00 am I’m going to walk back into the Fertility Clinic for the first time in 2.5 years. The last time I was there I was 6w2d pregnant with Charlie.

I don’t want to go back.

This appointment is so different. I’m not actively trying to conceive, I’m just trying to take care of myself so that I can live a healthy life and someday, maybe we could have another baby.

I had to go back in and edit my medical history and everything. I’m thirty pounds heavier than when I first went in three years ago. That was a low blow to take. I’m on different medications. I’ve had a successful pregnancy.

Everything is so different, but walking in that door feels the same. Ugh. That’s what it feels like. A big bag of ugh.

RANT POST

I need to rant. And I can’t do it full out on facebook for reasons, so I’m doing it here. Multiple ranty things:

1. At family dinner on Monday my mom told me that I along with the other staff (as opposed to attorneys and secretaries) were being forced out of our offices. We all work right in a row because that just makes sense. All of our jobs typically coordinate with each other.

One of the partners at the firm basically, without asking us or anyone, promised our offices to a bunch of corporate lawyers at XYZ corporation where she also works. She splits her time between there and here. They are of course paying rent, but they need them for six months while they’re in construction so they won’t be inconvenienced by having to, well, work while construction is going on.

So that sucks. We’re all being moved all over the building. We won’t even be allowed to walk through our old office space while they’re there, and then in six months they’ll move us back. Fucking ridiculous. But no one asked us. Even the office manager has no say. And it all happened so fast that yesterday they packed up and moved my office without my there for any input or organization. I’m on the third floor basically away from everyone I need to work with. Again, sucks. But, I’m trying to make the best of it.

To make things worse, we also have to find a place for all our clients files that live down stairs. I have a small library that barely holds any current books. I told the office manager that I could move the books not being used from that library up to the third floor library where there is lots of room. This would free up half the room for file cabinets. So we did that. In a super huge hurry. And then I helped Accounting pack up all the files that needed to be moved.

Right when i was done with that, the office manager comes back downstairs and told me that one of the attorneys was upset and didn’t want filing cabinets in a room that HE NEVER GOES INTO FOR ANYTHING. He said it would look bad to not have books in there. Y’all, when you picture this room in your head, picture a room that I guarantee is smaller than your bedroom. It’s basically a large-ish storage closet that we held spill-over books. Anyway, he says that it actually doesn’t bother him but he KNOWS it will bother someone else and I should have sent an email. So Office Manager comes downstairs to tell me this (and she’s frustrated too) and says I’ll have to move the books back and she doesn’t know what to do with the filing cabinets.

I basically said “Yeah I’m not moving those books back.” The books are still accessible, they’re JUST on another floor in the big library that actually IS a library. and, for that matter, they’re business journals from the seventies. THE EFFING SEVENTIES. So I sent an email to every attorney and told them what I did and said that if there were any books they were still using that they wanted moved back, then they could let me know, but otherwise here’s where the books were.

And magically, NO ATTORNEYS HAVE COMPLAINED. Because those books were old. And not being used.

But I did have to unpack all the accounting files I had just packed. The office manager offered to do it for me since she’s the one who asked me to do it, but I needed to work off some rage energy.

So my job there which provides me very little if any professional fulfillment, is a fucking nightmare right now. Night.Mare.

2. Despite doing a lot better with this lately, I ate my crappy feelings at lunch. And that makes me feel crappy all over.

3. I’m doing some pet sitting for a family i’ve pet sit for many times, and today the damn dog would not come in. Would not. I ended up staying 20 minutes over time having to lure him the house and by that point I had had it with my day.

4. I’m in a sewing group on FB that’s called “Curvy Sewing for Everyone!” As the name implies, it’s supposed to be an inclusive sewing group for people of a larger nature. Fine. Good. Then a few days ago a member complained about another group she was in for curvy sewing and how she didn’t feel like the people who were posting were fat enough to be in there. I’m going to use the word fat-not as an inflammatory word but just as a real word with a real meaning, so don’t think I’m being aggressive with it. It started a discussion that quickly spiraled into thin shaming women in the group who are around my size, 14-20 size range. I’m wearing a 16-18 these days, and frankly, my best weight loss efforts are failing me. I’ve been working really hard, and I’m not losing weight, which has me hella concerned about my health (and part of me eating my feelings at lunch today). I’m going to all the doctors in the next few days, so that’s to be continued in another post.

Anyway, this member and several others basically wanted to kick everyone out of “Curvy Sewing for Everyone!” who doesn’t meet a criteria that was TBD. The admin did not really want to do that, but she set up a survey to get opinions from the group. I answered the survey and wasn’t going to comment on the post, but then I saw a comment criticizing a woman who was about my size and her thoughts on the matter. The person criticizing her said that if she was determined to not be “fat enough” for the group then she should feel good because she had the “rest of the world to play in.”

Guys, I’m sorry, but that’s just not true. Do you think a day in my life has gone by that I haven’t felt too big for this world? Never in my life would I have expected to be skinny shamed at a size 18. So I basically just said that I disagreed with that statement, and asked if those of us who are plus sized but not on the biggest end of the spectrum aren’t allowed in a plus sized group, then what? Should we open a mid level plus size group? And what happens if we gain weight, then are we allowed back in? If they lose weight will they get kicked out? Then I was told that I needed to check my “thin privilege” at which point I messaged an admin very calmly with my feelings and let her know I was removing myself from the group at this time because it no longer felt like a safe space for me, and I didn’t feel like I could post my sewing in there at this time.

In “Curvy Sewing for Everyone!”

Just let that sink in.

/end rant.

Ready?

I think I’m ready to go back to work.

At the same time, I am not at all ready to go back to work.

For some reason a few days ago I started looking at the job opportunities in my area for librarians and there were a few interesting ones. I sent one in particular to Chief, because it was a posting for a librarian who would work directly for one of the units on base, distributing training materials and what not. It was a temporary job-only running through November. I said I wished that it was going to be available in a few months instead because I just didn’t see how we could make it work with Chief’s schedule. That’s when he told me to apply-we would make it work if it’s what I wanted. And as a bonus, he feels pretty certain that it would be a 7am-3:30pm shift, and his job doesn’t start until 4:00 pm, so he could bring Charlie to me on MWF. On T/TH, my stepdad said he could pick her up from school at 2:00 and watch her until I would get home two hours later. At least until we figured something else out.

So I applied for it. and then I applied for a few more while I was looking. One for a toxicology research company, one for a small university. Then today, I applied for one at the local blind school, cataloguing braille texts as they come in. Also for an archivist position with the department of heritage.

Most of these jobs won’t work even if I got them. We can cobble together the childcare we need for a part time job or a job with just the right hours-but we can’t do a 9-5. I’m not pulling Charlie out of MDO-she’s doing too well there. I don’t want to put her in a group daycare setting. I like that she has the best of both worlds-home time and school time.

Every job I applied for was something exciting and specialized, which is perfect because have a master in library and information sciences with an emphasis in special collections. I am really jazzed about the idea of getting any one of them.

I am also so, so, so sad to think of this time coming to an end with my child. And yet it’s my choice to apply for these jobs now. What’s wrong with me? Why does every emotion have to come with a counter emotion these days?

The train of thought that keeps running through my head goes something like this:

I’m ready to go back to work-it’s been so long-i need the fulfillment-we could definitely use the money-I’ll miss Charlie so much-I’ll miss my daytime freedom-I’ll miss our Friday trips to the zoo-Maybe I’m not ready for this-But the money would be good-But we’re putting the house back on the market and if it sold I wouldn’t have to worry about money for a good long while-But I always planned to go back and all these opportunities are presenting themselves-and the money would be good-I really want that one on base-that would be perfect-I’m ready to go back-gosh I’m going to miss Charlie-I’m afraid this will be hard on her.

And on, and on, and on.

Ultimately, I desperately want the one on base. It’s temporary-it only runs until November, so if I hated it there would be no bad mark on my resume for leaving in November. If I loved it Chief said that a lot of the time they make these things permanent when they reevaluate the finances. And if I wanted to have another baby it would be good to get in a position now so I can get started on getting FMLA eligibility back. Plus, working on base is so safe, and there’s a possibility we could send Charlie to school on base with both of us working there.

The hitch is that the posting has been up for over 30 days. Chief insists that the military doesn’t play-if it’s been filled they take it down. But it’s being advertised by a military subcontractor-not the military itself, so I don’t know that they would have the same  stringent practices with their job postings.

And if nothing at all works out, I’m hopeful that my old library will posts temp summer positions and I can apply for those. Either way it goes we’ll need more money this summer and I’d just as soon make it doing something I enjoy. Or the house could sell. That would be great.