Today i have been really, dejected and sad. Just not having a good day, emotional, feeling pretty blah. I had an emotional fit about the fact that I couldn’t find my pants OR my shampoo.
And what it comes down to is this: I’m still effing spotting and cramping, with no real period in sight. And I hate being back in a place where my uterus rules my life. I sit with the heating pad and I FEEL like I’m bleeding, but i’m not-not really. I’m constantly guessing what could be going on. Let me reiterate from previous posts-I am definitely not pregnant, unless it’s hiding from two HPT’s taken several days apart. I feel pretty confident saying thats not the case.
What surprises me is HOW upsetting this is. Not the not pregnant part, just the “my uterus is a total asshole again” part. I just want to bleed or not bleed. This in between limbo where I’m still crappy feeling and emotional as hell and always hungry….but just spotting? That sucks. Do I count this as some sort of weak ass period for the sake of keeping track? When should I be worried if it doesn’t end? I don’t know. I don’t know any of that.
I have so enjoyed the last few years of either being pregnant, breastfeeding and non-cycling, or cycling normally. Now I feel like I’ve stepped back-way back, into a part of my life that was painful and difficult. I just want to be well. I don’t even want to try and get pregnant or anything-I just want to be well. I don’t want a doctor to tell me that my only choice is the pill. I want balanced hormones. Not artificial ones.
I guess when I see my OB at the end of the month I’m going to ask for a referral to a regular endocrinologist to see if they can straighten me out at all. At the very least I’m sure some metformin is in order, but I want someone to test my hormones and tell me what the hell is going on.