I think I’m ready to go back to work.

At the same time, I am not at all ready to go back to work.

For some reason a few days ago I started looking at the job opportunities in my area for librarians and there were a few interesting ones. I sent one in particular to Chief, because it was a posting for a librarian who would work directly for one of the units on base, distributing training materials and what not. It was a temporary job-only running through November. I said I wished that it was going to be available in a few months instead because I just didn’t see how we could make it work with Chief’s schedule. That’s when he told me to apply-we would make it work if it’s what I wanted. And as a bonus, he feels pretty certain that it would be a 7am-3:30pm shift, and his job doesn’t start until 4:00 pm, so he could bring Charlie to me on MWF. On T/TH, my stepdad said he could pick her up from school at 2:00 and watch her until I would get home two hours later. At least until we figured something else out.

So I applied for it. and then I applied for a few more while I was looking. One for a toxicology research company, one for a small university. Then today, I applied for one at the local blind school, cataloguing braille texts as they come in. Also for an archivist position with the department of heritage.

Most of these jobs won’t work even if I got them. We can cobble together the childcare we need for a part time job or a job with just the right hours-but we can’t do a 9-5. I’m not pulling Charlie out of MDO-she’s doing too well there. I don’t want to put her in a group daycare setting. I like that she has the best of both worlds-home time and school time.

Every job I applied for was something exciting and specialized, which is perfect because have a master in library and information sciences with an emphasis in special collections. I am really jazzed about the idea of getting any one of them.

I am also so, so, so sad to think of this time coming to an end with my child. And yet it’s my choice to apply for these jobs now. What’s wrong with me? Why does every emotion have to come with a counter emotion these days?

The train of thought that keeps running through my head goes something like this:

I’m ready to go back to work-it’s been so long-i need the fulfillment-we could definitely use the money-I’ll miss Charlie so much-I’ll miss my daytime freedom-I’ll miss our Friday trips to the zoo-Maybe I’m not ready for this-But the money would be good-But we’re putting the house back on the market and if it sold I wouldn’t have to worry about money for a good long while-But I always planned to go back and all these opportunities are presenting themselves-and the money would be good-I really want that one on base-that would be perfect-I’m ready to go back-gosh I’m going to miss Charlie-I’m afraid this will be hard on her.

And on, and on, and on.

Ultimately, I desperately want the one on base. It’s temporary-it only runs until November, so if I hated it there would be no bad mark on my resume for leaving in November. If I loved it Chief said that a lot of the time they make these things permanent when they reevaluate the finances. And if I wanted to have another baby it would be good to get in a position now so I can get started on getting FMLA eligibility back. Plus, working on base is so safe, and there’s a possibility we could send Charlie to school on base with both of us working there.

The hitch is that the posting has been up for over 30 days. Chief insists that the military doesn’t play-if it’s been filled they take it down. But it’s being advertised by a military subcontractor-not the military itself, so I don’t know that they would have the same ¬†stringent practices with their job postings.

And if nothing at all works out, I’m hopeful that my old library will posts temp summer positions and I can apply for those. Either way it goes we’ll need more money this summer and I’d just as soon make it doing something I enjoy. Or the house could sell. That would be great.


2 thoughts on “Ready?

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