How Did We Get Here?

Hi y’all. It’s me again.

Don’t worry-I haven’t peed on anything new. The FRER put out another evap for a few hours and then it faded away. I guess this is why they tell you not to check them after the time is up.

I did go back today though and read some of my old posts. I was going back through the months on the left side of the screen and I noticed two things:

1. I have 250 followers. Seriously why do you guys still read this TERRIBLY boring blog about what seems to be nothing in particular lately. I’m so grateful you’re here and your support is like WHOA to me, but I’m just surprised. If anything I would have expected the followers to dip back down rather than go up.

2. I have been writing this blog since September 2012. We’re zeroing in on five years here. That’s just… That’s just crazy.

I look back and read those old posts and I don’t recognize that girl anymore. I like her though. She was funny I think. And she was real, and honest. So I’m going to try that again.

When I said this morning that I wasn’t crushed that the test was negative, that wasn’t a lie persay, but I was upset. More upset than I let on because I’m trying to put on this facade of not caring if I ever get pregnant again. And while I am not returning to real live fertility treatment anytime soon or hopefully ever, hearing my doctor tell me yesterday that my ovaries are more cystic than he remembered them being before and my uterine lining didn’t look good either….that was hard to take.  I want to be a unicorn.

So when I had those evaps I thought, yeah the timing isn’t perfect, but what is? Chief’s job means that I could still go back to work without us having to put Charlie (and the in-my-head potential new baby) in daycare. I could get the second kiddo knocked out before 30 and then the pressure would ease. 2-3 was the number I always wanted, but really probably just two. And I won’t lie-even though the fertility doctor (and my OB on Friday) said he didnt think I was ovulating, even though my boobs didn’t hurt and I’d had no ovulation symptoms, I WANTED that FRER to be positive this morning. I thought it would be. I was sad when it wasn’t.

And then when it popped a GD evap today I had hope. Again. And then a few hours later when it was gone I was sad. Again.

So now in my head I’m going “maybe clomid or letrozole in a few months when Charlie is weaned wouldn’t be so bad. that’s probably all it would take this time. Surely that would do it.”

This is what infertility does to you. I have spent the last 2.5 years being a fairly well adjusted and normal person not going down this road and now I’m toeing the line of going back down the wormhole of TTC and I just. won’t. do. it. I’m not temping. I’m not testing. I’m just not. I will have sex with my husband when we BOTH feel like it and no more than that. I’m not ready to be there again, even if I wanted to be pregnant this morning. I’m not ready to be trying to be pregnant.

And that’s the honest truth. Every bit of it.


One thought on “How Did We Get Here?

  1. I guess if nothing else, this has given you some clarity. (Although come on universe… was there no other way to provide a bit of clarity????) As always, I’m here if you want to talk some more.

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