This week has all the chips on the table. Let’s review:
Tuesday: Final phone interview with the air base.
Wednesday: All day spent at the private school. SEVEN interviews scheduled that day with everyone from the headmaster to the head of athletics, plus teaching a lesson, plus attending chapel and a school tour AND lunch.
Friday: Allegedly closing on the old house. The appraisal came back today $600 higher than the selling price, so we made it by the skin of our teeth. There are three minor things we need to do tomorrow for FHA to fund the loan, but it won’t be expensive or time consuming.
Of course the thing I am the most stressed about is Wednesday. I’ve prepared a pretty thorough lesson on information theory that’s both informative and fun (I think). I have three different game like activities I’m using to help demonstrate the theory. It’s for sixth graders so I can’t get terribly deep into it (which is good) but we are going to discuss entropy and high levels of entropy vs low levels of entropy. My biggest fear is not being able to fill the time and getting done too early. I have to teach for an hour and five minutes, though I imagine the regular teacher will probably take a few minutes for her own announcements and introducing me and stuff. I’m trying not to overthink. I’ve lead tons of programs at the library, but this is so much more formal.
A major source of stress for Wednesday is my wardrobe. Basically I’m throwing money at the problem and not taking tags off of anything until I come to a final decision on what I’m wearing, which will probably happen Wednesday morning. I bought a pair of trousers last night, another pair today with a flowy top and matching jewelry, and then a few dresses on Amazon that’ll be here Tuesday night. The pants from today needed to be hemmed in a major way so the tags will have to come off of those, but I like them well enough that even if I don’t wear them on Wednesday I don’t mind keeping them.
I also bought a professional looking satchel bag to stash the extra three pairs of pantyhose I’m bringing and my lunch in. I don’t know if they’re providing me with lunch and it would sure be embarrassing to not be prepared, so this way I can hide it in there just in case. Plus a bottle of water or two, spare deoderant, bandaids in case of blisters, my lesson plan….Oy. I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it.
By next Friday I could have a new job and one less house. I really want both of those things to happen.
I’m really, really struggling with my self esteem. I keep having to repeat things in my head on a loop “you can do this, you had a career before and you’ll have one again, you were a great student, you have all the right credentials.” It’s starting to take on a monotone. I’ve loved being home with Charlie, but something about the SAHM life has really put a dent in my already fairly dented self esteem. Trying on clothes the last two days was like slamming a semi truck into it. I haven’t had to buy professional clothing since I was pregnant and back then it was totally okay for stuff to cling to my belly. Now I’m having to buy sizes I never bought before to get stuff to skim over my belly comfortably, and it’s hit me hard. I wish it didn’t, but it does. That’s who I am. That’s how I was raised to be.
I just want to show up on Wednesday and feel qualified, smart, beautiful, fashionable, and also comfortable in my own skin. I was hoping to get my hair colored on Tuesday because my grey is coming through but my stylist is out on Tuesday and I’ve never done it myself before. It’s just my natural color so it’s not like I’d have to bleach it or anything, but it makes me nervous to try something so big before a job interview, so probably I’m just going to hope they don’t notice some bits of grey here and there.
Qualified, smart, beautiful, fashionable, comfortable-I’ve been there before. I hope I can get there again.