Honestly, I know we need them, but I wish mine would just calm the eff down a little bit.
I’m pretty excited about my new job. Besides the awesome pay and the flexible schedule and the cheap as dirt benefits, it’s just going to be so nice to be proud of my career again. I’m also sort of running the gambit of negative feelings too:
1. You know, I’m going to miss my baby like WHOA. I don’t feel like I have any right to complain about this even a little. I’ve been home with her for 25 months. For the last year Chief has also been home during the day as he works at night. How many families can honestly say that they manage to pay their bills and have the whole day most every day together? I think the fact that I have had that for the last year is what’s making it so hard to let it go. And while I am so glad that Charlie and Chief are going to have a lot of bonding time now, I’m also jealous AF about it because she ALREADY prefers him to me, and now she’s going to get him all day long and only get me at 3:30 after I’ve been at work for eight hours and tired. I’m going to have to force myself to still be energized for her and I’m hoping once the weather turns better we can go back to weekly zoo days and we’ll just go there straight from work.
2. I’m anxious about the job in general. It’s very different from any form of librarian I’ve ever had before and I’m so afraid of screwing up and getting fired. There’s also the issue of my sister. I know, how on EARTH could my sister come to play in my new job? Well, the other night at dinner at my mom’s house my mom brought up my new job and was proudly bragging about it and how I was going to be paid so well. my sister asked where it was and when we told her she acted all dramatic like she was bursting to say something, so my mom finally told her to spit it out and her exact words were “That’s a shithole company full of shitty people and they gave my friend M PTSD.”
My stepdad immediately asked when her friend worked there-seven years ago, and in one of their locations in another state during the gulf oil spill crisis. For fucks sake. My mom instantly gave her this “what the fuck is wrong with you” look and for my mom to do that you know she was pissed-my mom NEVER contradicts K. My husband kind of laid into her about it and she said “WELL YOU ASKED ME TO SAY SOMETHING.” and this is when I spoke up and said “Only because you were sitting their acting like you were sitting on massive government secrets.”
It’s kind of stuck with me even though I know it probably means nothing. My mom says that M apparently jumps from job to job pretty frequently, like she has a hard time getting along with anyone, and that everything she’s ever heard about my new company is good (they’re clients of ours and my stepdad has also worked with them since he’s an environmental scientist). So it’s probably just a case of my sister being shitty and not letting me be happy about anything, as usual, but it’s still hard to shake off.
3. My start date is August 1. It just feels so damn soon. Probably because it’s 11 days away. In some ways I literally can’t wait and I’m so excited, but again, then I feel sad about Charlie. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I commented to Chief today that I hated wasting any bit of my last week with her at the dentist. He said “Well you need to get your teeth cleaned” in sort of a lecture-y voice. I sort of flipped out on him about it and then immediately apologized because he of course didn’t mean anything by it, but I just made it clear to him that I’m having feelings about it and I’m allowed to have those.
Maybe the thing that’s the hardest for me is that the last two years just went by so damn fast. I’ll never get them back-they’re gone. I can’t ever see myself being a SAHM again and while that’s probably a good thing as I’ve gained about thirty pounds and some startling depression and anxiety, it’s also a really nostalgic sad thing. I didn’t start out a scared, anxious mess. Our early days were pretty magical. They feel shrouded in my memories in a hazy glow. I know-shut up about your amazing newborn days. Most people don’t get that-but I did. In fact, our first year was just pretty amazing. And it’s not that it’s been bad since-it’s just been harder. When Charlie started moving around is when the anxiety switch in my brain really went off, and of course, when she started showing her firey personality is when my patience started to suffer. Going back to work is going to be so good for us I think. I hope.
I sent an email to the attorneys I’ve worked closest with at the firm today-my direct supervisors of course knew about me leaving months ago, but I had kept it pretty low key with everyone else. I thanked them for the opportunity and told them it had been an honor to work with them and I got….one reply back. A very nice reply, but just one. That’s something I won’t miss about working with attorneys. I have always felt very disposable to a good chunk of them and never more so than today. I’ll really miss the staff though. And it’s been nice having a weekly excuse to sit and chat with my mom-just the two of us.
Finally, we’re having a flea problem. It’s really frustrating to me because I spend a small fortune every summer on preventing fleas. All the animals are treated with advantage monthly (the dogs get an an additional heartworm pill-we used to do advantage multi but one month my vet was out so this is what we’ve done since) and we have the yard and house treated quarterly. And this year just in anticipation of it being a bad season (we had a very mild winter) I’ve actually paid extra to have the yard treated monthly.
But we have fleas. And it’s gotten bad. I did the advantage last month and on the same day had our pest control folks come and the vet said he really thought that would do it, but no. So I’ve waited the required three weeks and tomorrow all the pets are getting comfortis, plus the dogs are getting dips. The cats don’t go outside so it’s definitely the dogs bringing it in. We’re also having a DIFFERENT company spray the yard and having the house done AGAIN. That, plus washing in hot water all the damn bedding in the house, spraying ALL the upholstery with siphotrol, and vacuuming every few days like a fiend I’m HOPING will take care of it. I sort of consider it a point of pride how well I take care of my pets and right now I feel like I’m failing at it big time. I hate seeing them scratching and poor beatrix has an allergy to it so she’s had sores we’ve had to treat. It’s been hell waiting to do comfortis and the internet told me I didn’t need to wait, but my vet said I did so I’ve gone with him on this. I’m hoping by the end of the weekend to be flea free.