Tomorrow is Charlie’s speech evaluation. She’s been doing better in the past few weeks but she is still behind her peers and the speech that she does have is very hard to detect. I’ve been working to get her this evaluation for almost a month (insurance is THE WORST) and I’m anxious. I know she’s delayed, but I’m so afraid they’re going to tell me there is something physiologically wrong with my child. I’m afraid she’s going to need intensive speech therapy. I’m afraid of the cost (I wish I didn’t have to be, but I am). Insurance covers it, but with a copay, and at $20 per visit if she has to go 2-3 times a week, that adds up damn fast. They also only cover 60 visits a year. Even at twice a week, we’ll obviously exceed that quickly. Adding on to that…
I still haven’t decided what to do about my job situation. I have a job interview on Wednesday with a toxicology lab that needs a research librarian. I am not qualified for a lot of what they want, but I do have the masters degree they’re asking for. They’ve had the job listed for a long time. Like I applied for it back in April. They emailed me last month asking for an interview and I had originally declined on the basis of me having this other job, but then when I found out how disposable I would be I emailed and asked if I could still come in for an interview. I figured the position would be filled because I didn’t email until two weeks after they initially asked me, but she got back to me and we set up a time. I know that I can learn the job, but I’m just afraid I’ll look like an idiot in the interview.
As far as the contract firm knows I’m still moving forward with starting in August even though probably I’m not. Even if I don’t get this job on Wednesday, or even if I get it and the schedule can’t fit my needs, I’m terribly afraid of getting into a miserable work situation. I’ve been in them before and I don’t want to do it again. I also don’t want to work somewhere for a month or two, discover it’s awful, and then bail out. That would look wretched on a resume, and frankly, while the contract firm seems to sort of be the worst, the people I’d be working along side probably wouldn’t be and I would feel hella guilty about that. I still have more than a month before i’m supposed to start, so I shouldn’t feel guilty about emailing and saying that after learning things that I didn’t know before accepting the position I’ve decided that this job is not a good fit for me, but I REALLY do. Mainly because he’s “held” it all summer (although he did tell me that no one else applied for it the whole time so it’s not like he turned down scores of qualified candidates for me). I don’t want to leave him high and dry but I feel like I have to protect myself.
Here are some things I’ve found out since taking the job:
1. No PTO for a year (I actually knew about this one, but it needs to be on the list because it impacts the other stuff)
2. If the base closes for weather I won’t get paid unless I use PTO (which I won’t have for a year)
3. If I leave they keep back half of my accrued PTO. Everywhere else I’ve worked it’s been paid out 100% in a check.
4. If I work overtime it will be at a reduced hourly rate. I know this sounds illegal but here’s how they do it: My base pay is $11.50 an hour but then when I didn’t take the benefits they were offering they added $4 and some change onto that. That only applies up to 40 hours a week, so on weeks I have to work more it will be at the $11.50 rate. No. Bueno.
All of this was in the employee handbook they sent me. The only thing I knew about was #1, and I was willing to deal with that because of all the things I was promised.
The lady who is running my old department at the library (not the Captain, she got promoted and is the boss of the whole world now) told me that she’s expecting several jobs to come open soon. If I go back to the library I really have to go back part time or I just can’t make the scheduling work with my kiddo and my husband’s work schedule. The captain told me that one of the part time jobs is already basically spoken for, and the other one carries no guarantee of when it will come open or if it will even be a part time job. Chief feels like waiting for one of these positions is my best bet, but I feel nervous hedging my bets on that. I worked there-I know how admin can change things up on you.
Finally, the lady who is taking my position at the law firm told me without knowing about any of my inner turmoil that if the job I was taking didn’t work out or I just wanted to come back she would gladly step back. She just works for fun-she has a lot of money and is retired. So that’s kind of a relief and my boss there really REALLY wants me to stay. She also said I could work 15 hours a week instead of ten if I want, so that’s something.
I need to email the contractor and tell him I’m stepping down. I know I need to. Chief thinks we should wait to see what happens on Wednesday. I have to make a decision by Friday. It’s not fair to wait any longer than that. Monday will be the four weeks out from when I would start. I’m just petrified of making a bad decision and bankrupting my family. I feel like I’ve made so many bad decisions lately that I feel like no matter what I do it will be wrong. My self confidence has really taken a hit too which has me not feeling great about the interview Wednesday. We both seem to have a lot of hope put into it and I feel like I’m just going to bomb it royally and let my whole family down.
I can stay out of work until January, possibly a little later. At that point I need to have something part time at least. I just feel frozen in space, afraid to do the wrong thing.