Tomorrow is Charlie’s speech evaluation. She’s been doing better in the past few weeks but she is still behind her peers and the speech that she does have is very hard to detect. I’ve been working to get her this evaluation for almost a month (insurance is THE WORST) and I’m anxious. I know she’s delayed, but I’m so afraid they’re going to tell me there is something physiologically wrong with my child. I’m afraid she’s going to need intensive speech therapy. I’m afraid of the cost (I wish I didn’t have to be, but I am). Insurance covers it, but with a copay, and at $20 per visit if she has to go 2-3 times a week, that adds up damn fast. They also only cover 60 visits a year. Even at twice a week, we’ll obviously exceed that quickly. Adding on to that…

I still haven’t decided what to do about my job situation. I have a job interview on Wednesday with a toxicology lab that needs a research librarian. I am not qualified for a lot of what they want, but I do have the masters degree they’re asking for. They’ve had the job listed for a long time. Like I applied for it back in April. They emailed me last month asking for an interview and I had originally declined on the basis of me having this other job, but then when I found out how disposable I would be I emailed and asked if I could still come in for an interview. I figured the position would be filled because I didn’t email until two weeks after they initially asked me, but she got back to me and we set up a time. I know that I can learn the job, but I’m just afraid I’ll look like an idiot in the interview.

As far as the contract firm knows I’m still moving forward with starting in August even though probably I’m not. Even if I don’t get this job on Wednesday, or even if I get it and the schedule can’t fit my needs, I’m terribly afraid of getting into a miserable work situation. I’ve been in them before and I don’t want to do it again. I also don’t want to work somewhere for a month or two, discover it’s awful, and then bail out. That would look wretched on a resume, and frankly, while the contract firm seems to sort of be the worst, the people I’d be working along side probably wouldn’t be and I would feel hella guilty about that. I still have more than a month before i’m supposed to start, so I shouldn’t feel guilty about emailing and saying that after learning things that I didn’t know before accepting the position I’ve decided that this job is not a good fit for me, but I REALLY do. Mainly because he’s “held” it all summer (although he did tell me that no one else applied for it the whole time so it’s not like he turned down scores of qualified candidates for me). I don’t want to leave him high and dry but I feel like I have to protect myself.

Here are some things I’ve found out since taking the job:

1. No PTO for a year (I actually knew about this one, but it needs to be on the list because it impacts the other stuff)
2. If the base closes for weather I won’t get paid unless I use PTO (which I won’t have for a year)
3. If I leave they keep back half of my accrued PTO. Everywhere else I’ve worked it’s been paid out 100% in a check.
4. If I work overtime it will be at a reduced hourly rate. I know this sounds illegal but here’s how they do it: My base pay is $11.50 an hour but then when I didn’t take the benefits they were offering they added $4 and some change onto that. That only applies up to 40 hours a week, so on weeks I have to work more it will be at the $11.50 rate. No. Bueno.

All of this was in the employee handbook they sent me. The only thing I knew about was #1, and I was willing to deal with that because of all the things I was promised.

The lady who is running my old department at the library (not the Captain, she got promoted and is the boss of the whole world now) told me that she’s expecting several jobs to come open soon. If I go back to the library I really have to go back part time or I just can’t make the scheduling work with my kiddo and my husband’s work schedule. The captain told me that one of the part time jobs is already basically spoken for, and the other one carries no guarantee of when it will come open or if it will even be a part time job. Chief feels like waiting for one of these positions is my best bet, but I feel nervous hedging my bets on that. I worked there-I know how admin can change things up on you.

Finally, the lady who is taking my position at the law firm told me without knowing about any of my inner turmoil that if the job I was taking didn’t work out or I just wanted to come back she would gladly step back. She just works for fun-she has a lot of money and is retired. So that’s kind of a relief and my boss there really REALLY wants me to stay. She also said I could work 15 hours a week instead of ten if I want, so that’s something.

I need to email the contractor and tell him I’m stepping down. I know I need to. Chief thinks we should wait to see what happens on Wednesday. I have to make a decision by Friday. It’s not fair to wait any longer than that. Monday will be the four weeks out from when I would start. I’m just petrified of making a bad decision and bankrupting my family. I feel like I’ve made so many bad decisions lately that I feel like no matter what I do it will be wrong. My self confidence has really taken a hit too which has me not feeling great about the interview Wednesday. We both seem to have a lot of hope put into it and I feel like I’m just going to bomb it royally and let my whole family down.

I can stay out of work until January, possibly a little later. At that point I need to have something part time at least. I just feel frozen in space, afraid to do the wrong thing.


11 thoughts on “Ramblings

  1. Good luck tomorrow with Charlie. I recall you sharing that she’s had a few ear infections…My cousin was concerned about her son’s speech and it turns out his ears were constantly fluid filled causing him to have a harder time hearing sounds. They had tubes put in after a series of bad ear infections and he’s a chatterbox now. It took her doctor a while to figure this out so I only mention it in case it’s of any help to you. My son was late to walk so I can empathize with how stressful insurance and those evaluations can be. We spent so much time at physical therapy and dr appointments and appointments getting him fitted for a nighttime leg brace. Then doing exercises at home! It quickly became a full time job. Sending up a prayer that tomorrow goes well and that there’s nothing to worry about.

    • Yeah, we’ve been told that about tubes as well. my doctor checks every time we’re in and they only have fluid in them when they’re infected. Honestly I was hoping it would be something easy like that. I appreciate any and all advice though.

  2. I’ve had you on my mind today for some reason, and have been wondering what happened with that job.
    Given what you’ve said here, if I was you, I would tell that job that you can’t take it based on the new things you’ve learned and move on. Even if the interview Wednesday doesn’t work out, I’m sure something else will turn up between now and January. And if it’s possible to go back to the law firm for more hours, then at least you’d have that. I could sit here and tell you that you’re a great mom and wife and that you aren’t hurting your family, but I feel like it wouldn’t hold a lot of weight with you. I do believe that you will find something before next year, no matter what. But yeah, I’ve been in bad work situations before as well, and I HAVE taken jobs that I quit only a few months later. If your gut is telling you no, then listen to it.
    On another note…I didn’t realize C was having speech issues. Or maybe I forgot? Either way, I hope that her evaluation goes well, and things aren’t as bad as you think they are.
    Thinking of you. Let me know if you need someone to vent to. *hugs*

    • Thank you-we’ve been trying to wait for her to see if she would catch up, but by her 24 month appointment there was no denying that she’s fairly significantly delayed. I’m crazy worried about how many appointments a week she’s going to need. Our insurance only covers up to 60. This alone could preclude me taking this position because I might need to find a job where I can actually afford to take the insurance so that we can use my insurance to cover what Chief’s won’t. She might qualify for early intervention, but only until she turns three and we would have to use up chief’s insurance first, so by the time that’s done they would probably only cover about 5-6 months.

  3. Ooof, that sounds like a lot to worry about. Sorry to hear about the speech delay, that is hard. E had a fairly significant one as well, though after about a year of 1x/week ST it’s resolving. I was reading the comments and it might be worth signing her up for early intervention even if it only covers 5-6 months. Does your state’s early intervention then turn over to the school system if they need more therapy after age 3? That’s what happens here, though I know states really vary in their coverage.

    Sending thoughts for both the speech situation and the job one.

  4. I completely understand your guilt over contacting the contractor and telling him you’ve changed your mind BUT that man is not losing any sleep over misleading you about the job. I’m sure he didn’t do so intentionally, but don’t put yourself in a position you know isn’t right for you and your family just to spare the feeling of one man who didn’t do the same for you.

  5. The contractor wasn’t honest with you. You should have zero guilt leaving the job. (Is $15 per hr considered good pay for someone with a masters? Where I live, someone with a HS diploma can get an entry level job for that much.)

    I would see if going back to the law firm is an option and look for other jobs. I agree with chief that going back p/t to your old job may be a good idea. You liked the work environment there.

    Charlie and her speech- first rule out a hearing issue and then many time with a good therapist, younger kids catch on quickly. If your state’s EI system offers speech therapy, make sure the therapist knows what s/he is doing. I needed speech therapy and my parents found that paying privately got them quicker results. (I used state therapists for 2 yr and a private one for about a year.)

  6. What a dilemma… I totally get your guilt over the new job, but the same time – that is completely unfair (seriously, how is the overtime thing even legal? I don’t care if they give you extra for not having benefits…then your over time should be more). I think you have to just tell them, and let whatever everything play out. I know it’s scary, but having until January gives you a bit of breathing room…. are you considering returning to your old job? It sounds like you have a couple potential options. I have been in a bad work situation too – it is absolutely not worth it. Try and remember that whatever you chose, it’s not a “bad mistake”…it’s the best choice you can make with the information you have at the time – sometimes our choices don’t work out, but then you move on and make a new choice. In hind sight, most things that didn’t work out look like bad choices but in that moment we are usually making the best choice we can. Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the right thing.

  7. You are so smart and capable. You totally have this. Tell the contract guy to shove it (nicely, of course–I know you wouldn’t do it any other way!) and you will absolutely find something else. I have total faith that you will. You’ve got this. Don’t sell yourself short! There’s a lesson to be learned in my lousy work situation and that is that the thing you leave your child behind to do for tens of hours every week needs to not make you unhappy. As for Charlie, everything’s going to be okay. She has two parents who adore her and constantly work to fight for her best interests. No matter what they throw at you, you will make it work. I have no doubt.

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