The saga continues

I had a really long phone conversation with the principal at the new school. It went well. I mean I think it went REALLY well. I felt confident answering all of his questions and he really understood me when I was talking about feeling like a chunk of my life was missing without my career. He literally said “it feels like a big piece of who you are is missing, right?” Seriously that made me feel like “yes, this is it.”

Anyway, we talked for almost an hour and he said that the next step was to have me speak with the head of the library department, which is the elementary school librarian. We spoke this afternoon. She was really chipper and friendly. She asked just a few questions and I think I did pretty well. She has invited me to come to campus for an entire day to complete the application process. Apparently I interview with the principal, the headmaster (yes, they are two different things), all the other librarians (just two, one of which I know) and I guess a few other people she didn’t get specific about. I’ll have lunch with teachers so they can get to know me and THEN I have to teach a class, which is the only part of this that scares the shit out of me. I know that it would be part of the job but it’s different knowing it’s part of the job and actually having to prove on the spot that I can do it. They did say that they would provide the lesson plan for me though, so that’s okay.

At the end of the conversation she said “so we’ll schedule that in the near future” which made me uneasy because….yeah I’ve got this other job possibly on the line. so I was really upfront and told her that I had the final interview for a job that I didn’t want as much as I wanted this one, but that would still be a really good job. I told her that I didn’t want to leave them on the hook, but that I felt like I was within my rights that if they offered it to me I could ask for a few days to think about it, but with all that being said, I would like to come to campus sooner rather than later. She said she completely understood and she appreciated my honesty. I hope she didn’t think I was trying to leverage that job offer that isn’t even real yet to get an offer out of her. I really wasn’t. I just felt like honesty was the best policy in this situation.

So that’s where things are. I really, really, really, really, REALLY, want this job to work out. The culture at the school sounds awesome. I would have a group of 15 students that I advise and meet with as a group once a week and that sounds like something I would really love. The class I would be teaching would be an exploratory design course, so that’s things like basic coding, 3D printing, minor level robotics. She said they don’t expect me to be an expert coming in but to be capable of learning and following along with the lesson plans and helping the kids. I think I can do that….I hope.

I certainly hope I can do that in the interview anyway!

ETA: I forgot to mention that the only other candidate at the job is an internal candidate-a teacher. So that makes me nervous. The principal said that does not give them an advantage over me and that they wouldn’t waste my or their time bringing me to campus if I wasn’t a viable candidate, so I’m really hoping that’s true.

Hard Choices

I need to babble for a bit.

I had a phone interview today for the job on base and it sounds like a great job. I’m just going to list some pros and cons:

Pros:

  1. Pay is equal to what I was making at the library, and actually maybe a bit higher. It was really low but if you don’t take the benefits package (which I don’t need because I have awesome benefits through Chief’s work) they up your rate of pay by almost $5.00 an hour.
  2. The hours would jive with Chief’s perfectly, meaning he could stay home with Charlie during the day and I could just pick her up from his office when he starts his shift. No need for anymore daycare or anything and she could stay at her current MDO all the way through their preschool program.
  3. Fulfillment wise, this job sounds perfect for me. I would be helping families through their soldier’s deployments, and helping those soldiers when they come home. I can’t imagine work more fulfilling than that.
  4. It’s not a library job, but it is a public service job, so I thiiiiiink it would count towards my public service loan repayment.

Cons:

  1. I don’t start accruing PTO for a year, so any time off before then is unpaid. Allowed, but unpaid.
  2. It’s not a library job. Am I really ready to give up that career? It might be even harder to break back into it if I take a job that has nothing to do with it-what if I really regret that?
  3. They want me to start May 1 if I get the job. I’d lose this whole last summer with my baby girl. I don’t have to go back to work yet. It’s optional. The job at the school if I get it I figure I’d work for about a month and then we’d have the school holiday, so I’d get the summer off to spend with Charlie and Chief.

I got an email yesterday from the school asking for a phone interview. I sent them some times I’m available and haven’t heard back. My inside connection told me last week that they have an interview today and it’s the only candidate (besides me) that they’re considering, so it’s entirely possible that interview will go so well that they won’t even want to talk to me. The base job almost seems like a done deal. I have a second phone interview on Tuesday of next week but he acted like I was a prime candidate and the last one was just a formality. He said if it went well I’d probably get an offer within 24 hours. That only gives me one last week with my baby girl before going back to work.

Am I crazy guys? I mean it was my choice to start applying for jobs and now I’m having all these regrets. It’s been so hard to watch former work colleagues progress in their career and to be so static, but if I take this job on base I’m embarking on a whole new career. It sounds like a great job doing important work, but am I going to regret leaving my daughter before I have to? And on the other hand, if I opt to not take it if it’s offered to me, am I going to regret not taking a good job with great hours when it was offered to me if I can’t find something like it down the line? Jobs like that do NOT exist within the public library world, which is why I’ve been looking more private sector, but private sector librarian jobs are also freaking impossible to get.

I know I’m counting so many chickens before they’re hatched, but I can’t help myself. I have to run through the possibilities, and probably will, for the next week.

What would you do? Weighing all this information I really want your honest opinions.

The Work Conundrum continues

I’ve been applying for jobs. I’m trying to only apply for jobs that I’m really interested in. It’s one of the points of me starting to apply for jobs nine months before I actually need to get back to work.

I’ve applied for a lot of librarian jobs and received absolutely zero interviews. Most of them were jobs I was overqualified for-like they wanted someone with a high school diploma and a few years of library experience. I have a masters degree and 10+ years of library experience.

This was starting to hit me pretty hard and make me worried that my career had been completely shuttered by me taking a few years off to stay home with my daughter EVEN THOUGH I’ve been working part time at the law firm that entire time as a librarian and therefore have that on my resume.

I had started to branch out to look at other public service positions. One came open with Chief’s unit. It’s called a Yellow Ribbon Integration Specialist-it’s basically like a counselor type position to help soldiers transition from active duty to guard and civilian lifestyle. It sounds worthwhile and meaningful. The starting pay is a little low, but I would be on base and have federal benefits and if the hours would work it could be really great for us.

But then last night I saw that the most exclusive and shmancy private school in town is hiring a middle school librarian. Y’ALL. School hours? Summers off? Working with youths which I’ve been doing my ENTIRE career? Where do I sign? I just so happen to know the upper school librarian at this place so I messaged her last night and she is supposed to call me tomorrow because they’re having a meeting about exactly what they’re going to be looking for in a candidate. The best part of all is that since it’s a private school my MLIS is perfectly acceptable, meaning I don’t need a teaching degree with a school library media masters degree.

THAT’S the job I want. Obviously. But it’s also going to be the job that everyone in town wants, including other school librarians who have a lot more experience working in a school than I do. I want it so much that I’m already disappointed because I feel like I’m not going to get it. Chief keeps telling me that I have as good a shot as anyone and I want to believe that, but my self esteem has taken a hit from being a SAHM.

A huge conundrum is that I have a phone interview for the on base job tomorrow. I’m afraid that IF I’m offered this position I’ll have to make a judgement call about whether to take it or to pass on it to try for the other one. Frankly, that’s what I’m leaning towards. That is the WHOLE POINT of me starting to apply so early-I want to take the time to find the right job. But the idea of passing up on an offer seems crazy.

The problem is, in my head, I already work at that school.

Damnit.

Riddle me this

Since I got back on metformin all I want to eat are sugar and carbs. Before I was on metformin I was under 100 carbs a day.

WTF.

It’s really bugging me. Like the cravings are almost uncontrollable whereas before I had really good self control. I’m going to try to do a reset tomorrow, but I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them?

A few things

I wanted to thank most of the people who commented on my last post. I’ve made it private now because it dealt with familial distress. I’ve made it sort of a personal policy over the last few years of blogging to try and remember to do this. I was interested to hear opinions on this issue though, even once that didn’t necessarily jive with my own.

But let me make this clear-I’m not going to put up with bullying on my blog. Either bullying of me or anyone else. I got a pretty hateful comment that basically said I’m the problem with my family issues. I’m the only one to blame. I could spend a lot of time refuting that but that gives such a comment a lot more weight than I think it deserves, so I’m just going to leave it. I honestly don’t understand what kind of person it takes to be so hateful to someone you’ve never even met. Try to keep that to yourself from now on. It won’t be tolerated here.

And, for those of you who read my last post, the issue resolved in a fairly positive way after my husband and I sat down and discussed how best to handle things. So I’ve moved on from that.

A few other things:

1. My mom had a hysterectomy today. She had a prolapsed uterus that was causing bladder problems, so since she’s 64 our OBGYN (we all use the same one) recommended just going ahead and removing it. It’s weird though, my mom has never had surgery. The only time she’s spent a night in the hospital was to have my sister and I. I’ve never seen her in any real amount of pain and she has a pretty high tolerance, so it felt alarming that she was so nervous about this. I mean, totally justified of course, but I’m just used to her being so strong and confident about most things that I felt really insecure about her having surgery because she was insecure. I also wanted to call her about three different things today and then realized that I couldn’t because she was sleeping off the surgery at the hospital. It gave me a tiny taste of what it might feel like when she’s gone someday and I gotta say, I don’t like it. I’m ready for her to be healed. I don’t like my mom not being strong and ready for anything like she usually is.

2. When I got all those crappy positive/not positive tests a few weeks ago I called my OBGYN and asked the nurse about it. She talked to my doctor and he said that it actually sounded like a very slight chemical pregnancy to him but there was no way to be sure without doing a blood test. They offered to do one and I declined. I actually don’t really want to know.

3. Metformin has been so much better. Today is my first day on three doses because the last week on two doses a day has been uneventful. Also, I got my period, at a normal time of the month, and it started and ended within four days. No 10-12 day cycle this month. No entire week of spotting beforehand. It’s entirely possible that this is going to be worth it.

4. The inspection on the house went well, but I was a nervous wreck. It happened last Wednesday and we didn’t hear anything until Friday which is bonkers to me. It also doesn’t help that our realtor is representing them as well (a mistake I will not make in the future) so even when she knew things she couldn’t tell us. At the end of the day though, everything they’ve asked for is costing us less than $200, mostly because I have talented family. They wanted the flashing around the chimney replaced and my stepdad worked through college as a roofer, so that’s easily done. The bathroom fans had to be replaced and my BIL is an electrician and is doing it in exchange for me making a new white top for my sister to do livestock shows in (for some bizarre reason white is the required color to show goats. who freaking knew?). The exhaust valve on the water heater wasn’t properly (or ever) hooked up, but my dad knows how to do that so he’s taking care of that. The bathroom floor in the master bathroom needs to be replaced, but it’s 25 square feet of linoleum, so that’s costing us $30 and a few hours of my husbands time. So we got really lucky. They could have asked for more and didn’t.

Now we just need it to appraise appropriately and we’ll be all set. We’re scheduled to close April 28th and my goal is to have all the work on the house done by next Friday (the 21st).

5. After we get the check from the closing we’re getting a new garage door for our new house because it’s wearing out. We’re also having a tree cut down and it’s stump as well as another stump ground up. They’re majorly interfering with my gardening. Finally, we’re setting some money aside to do a few minor things to the kitchen and take a small family vacation this summer. We talked about just Chief and I flying to California or Alaska, but even my mom who is always hankering for an excuse to watch Charlie said that she thought we would miss her too much, which I agree with. We’ve decided to stay a bit closer to home and go on a car trip about six hours away. We also have family we can stay with there so not having to pay for a hotel or plane tickets saves a few grand.

We also get to pay off a mountain of credit card debt with the money. Between losing this house payment and all the credit cards that are about to be paid off, we’re going to save about $1500 a month, which is good, because we couldn’t sustain paying that much for much longer.

6. I’m saving up for a new embroidery machine. The one I want is about $1500 and my goal is to save $150 a month. I have an embroidery machine that’s a good little fellow, but the largest embroidery area is 4 in x 4 in, and that just doesn’t get you very far. The new one I want is a Janome as well and Janome is my favorite brand of machine that I’ve ever sewn on. $1500 sounds like a lot but it’s really a modest sum in the grand scheme of a good embroidery, and the embroidery area on this one is 8 in x 8 in-a vast improvement. I’m trying to be patient about it but of course now that I’ve picked it out I want it NOW. Of course I’m tempted to ask Chief if I can use some of the house money for it, but it’s such an extravagance that I feel better about saving up for it. I’ve also thought about doing a fundraiser for it where I would sell homemade sewn items with all of the proceeds going to the purchaseĀ of the machine, but I feel so weird asking people for money, even in exchange for products.

I think that’s everything for now. Happy Monday.

Survived

Yesterday was bad. I lost a pound between 9:00 am and 9:00 pm. 

But I survived. I didn’t give up even though I told Chief before bed that I didn’t think I could take these pills anymore. I had peanut butter and crackers for dinner with a lot of water, and then an hour and a half later I took a met and followed it with a spoonful of peanut butter.

This morning I feel vaguely human again, but TIRED. So very tired. 

I’m going to slowly eat some yogurt and maybe some wheat toast this morning and see if I have the bravado to take my morning dose.

ETA: aaaand I started my period this morning.

Thanks universe.

Metformin Blues times a million

Guys, I want to quit. So bad.

Things are just getting worse as it builds up in my system. I woke up ravenously hungry this morning so as soon as we were out the door (had to pick up a book for an attorney this morning at the county law library) I made Chief stop and get me a breakfast sandwich. I took my metformin half way through. about 75% of the way through my stomach was majorly turned and I couldn’t finish the damn thing.

From there the nausea just got worse and worse and worse. we had to take Charlie to the pediatrician this morning to make sure she didn’t have an ear infection (she doesn’t) and I had to run to their bathroom for diarrhea four times. I barely made it home before having to go again. Then I fell into a DEEP sleep and missed lunch (which I probably couldn’t have eaten anyway). The nausea and diarrhea has continued all day. It let up a little after I had a popsicle around 3:30 but even that was hard to get down.

I’m sure my blood sugar is low. I’m sure it is. I’m trying so hard to get food down. I’m on the extended release and I’m not even up to my full dose yet (and I’m not convinced I ever will be). It seems that nothing I can potentially take with it will help. I’m feeling a bit desperate. I can’t work or be a very good mother like this.