Far From Here

The last week I’ve spent thinking and researching my options heavily. This all started with me reading Instant Mom. When I started it I just could stop. I read until 1:00 am and then had to go to sleep so I could get up and work Saturday. Then Saturday I read it at work any chance that I got, even forgoing my Mad Men lunch watching session (I’m on Season 5-OHMAHGAH!) to read it.

Guys. GUYS. I’m a librarian with PCOS, Endometriosis, and the occasional cyst. I am the BARREN LIBRARIAN. And I think you should read this book. Even if you’ve found success in your fertility. Even if adoption isn’t for you. I’m not saying this to sway anyone in one direction or another. I love you ALL, and we are all going to do what is best for us. I’m saying this because if anyone understands us and what we go through IT’S BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING GIRL.

I don’t want to ruin anything for you guys, but let me just say this:

13 IVF’s.

Enough. Said.

Anyway, she got me really thinking about our options. We go to the doctor on Friday to discuss further treatment for the rest of this year to keep the endo from coming back. I don’t really want to start trying until January. I want that time to finish losing weight and getting as healthy as can be. I just don’t ever want to look back and think that I could have done something better, especially if that something is my weight. I know that sometimes women are at their most fertile right after having endo treated via lap, so if he says on Friday that our best option is to start trying now then I guess I will, but I’m still not happy with my weight. I’m out of obesity BMI range, but still very much in the overweight BMI range and I just want to get down to the healthy BMI range. And honestly, I’m just tired of it all. Wah Wah.

But anyway. Our plan is to start trying again in January using the injectables and whatever else he wants us to use (Thank God no more Clomid). I’m willing to try for another 10-12 months after that. I think that’s all we’re going to be able to afford and at that point we will have been dealing with this for three and a half years. I know, its NOTHING compared to what some of you have done. But I’m just not strong enough to keep carrying on with it. I just can’t put my body through it for the equivalency of 13 IVF’s. And maybe we’ll get lucky and it’ll happen for us in that time. But I’m thinking worst case scenario here people. It’s what I do best.

So after trying-time is over if we are unsuccesful I think we are going to look into fost-adopt. We know we won’t get an infant, but a toddler would be okay with us. We know we’ll have to wait and go through a lot to get our house ready and ourselves ready, but we’re okay with that. I work with a lady who used to be a DHS social worker and she talked to me about a lot of this and I feel more positive about it than I’ve felt about getting pregnant in a long time. This is something we can do. It may take a while, but it’s so possible for us. My coworker says we’re ideal candidates-exactly what they want for a lot of their foster kids. I think that even if we do have one of our own naturally we’ll still probably look into fost-adopt, because it’s the most excited I’ve been about anything having to do with family building in a long time.

It’s far away. So far away, our potential future. But I can see it. And when I hear this song I think about it. So that’s Tuesday.