Cystem Failure

See what I did there? Yeah, you read right.

I’m pretty certain (I’d say 90% at this point) that the pain I was having yesterday was an ovarian cyst on my left side. Damnit

When I had my last cyst (at least, the last one that was big enough for me to notice) the pain was the worst when I was using the bathroom. So take from that what you will. Let’s just say that this morning was eye opening.

Y’all, really? This doesn’t seem fair. I mean, IF is possibly the biggest unfair thing in the world, but on a more day to day level, this seems particularly unfair. My follicles last month were too small to do anything, allegedly. Except maybe grow a big, mean, jerk-face cyst? And yeah, I don’t KNOW for sure that this is a cyst, but I’ve never felt anything like this before that wasn’t a cyst. I guess we’ll see how the next few days play out. Last time I let it get pretty bad before I called the doctor, mainly because I hate calling them. And I like to let things resolve on their own, which, they never do.

And last time he put me on a pack of BCP to get rid of it, and it worked. But I don’t wanna. I just don’t. Grumble.

In Chief news, he was supposed to have his SA done today, but his doctor sent him to the wrong place, so he ended up getting a prostate exam instead.

I’m not kidding.

He got a referral to Uralysis and they did bloodwork, a urine test, and a prostate exam. Then they had to refer him elsewhere for the SA. Y’all, we’ve waited something like six weeks for this appointment. We are FRUSTRATED. The only good thing (sort of) to come out of this is them making him do a urine test, because he had microscopic amounts of blood in his urine. Not visible to the naked eye, but it could be kidney stones or something more serious (let’s hope not). They’re not overly concerned about it, but he has to do a cytoscope on March 24. He was grumbling to me about a camera going in a “not fun place”, and all I said was “really? You’re going to complain about that to me? Let’s reevaluate”.

I was sympathetic, but to a point. I know that all of that sucks, and he is only 31 and doesn’t really need a prostate exam and sure, that’s unfun, but I’m 25 and have been violated in new and creative (and expensive) ways more times than I can count in the last year, so my sympathy just only goes so far. And luckily for him he knew when to stop whining. I am concerned about his kidneys though, and I’m glad they caught that.

So anyway, he has to do his SA NEXT Thursday. Normally I’d be mad that it keeps getting pushed farther and farther away, but since I’m nowhere near being ready to even take the letrozole it’s no skin off my nose. Dr. T actually called back yesterday and said I could start it whenever since I’m taking so long to cycle out, but I requested to wait. I want to BLEED, DAMNIT. And this was all before I realized I might have a cyst, so now I’m definitely not taking it until I bleed. It’s too expensive.

So, as usual, I’m just sort of floating around, waiting for things, trying not to eat my feelings.

Maybe I Slept Better? UPDATED

I think maybe.

I took a few pieces of advice. One was to myself from myself from last year, which is that if I get my ass back in the gym and actually work out, I’ll wear myself out some more. I slept so much better after I started working out. So yeah, the exercising started back up last week. I really do feel better-about everything. Those damn endorphins sure know how to do their job.

The second is Melotonin. THank you nonsequiturchica! I have been told about Melotonin before but forgotten about it. I have a prescription for Ambien at home, but I can’t take it. It really knocks me on my butt-even half of one does. I have a really hard time getting up in the morning.

So yesterday Chief and I had lunch together and I mentioned that I thought I might like to take Melotonin to see if it would help me sleep. He said that Officer told him that he takes it. So I had Chief pick some up for me and when I got home I saw it was in 1 mg pills and the bottle said to take one a day. Now, we all know our good friend Dr. Google. I paid him a little visit last night and he said anywhere from .2 mg to 2 mg a day, and that severe insomniacs take 5 mg a day for short time periods. Too much confliction. I wanted a weight chart to tell me how much to take damnit.

So anyway, I called Officer thinking I could get an idea based off of what he takes. Y’all, he takes 8 mg on the days he doesn’t take Ambien. So he was all “I bet you should take around 5”. Heck no. Let’s all remember, Melotonin is still a hormone, I’m not dallying with it that much unless under doctor’s orders. So I compromised with him that I’d take one at 8:30 and if I wasn’t getting a case of the sleepies by 9:30 I’d take another. Which I did. I’d say I was asleep by 10:15-10:30, which is an improvement. I did still wake up when Chief got home and a couple of other times, but I don’t felt like I was AS awake as I have been the last few weeks when I’ve been waking up. If that makes sense.

It was a LITTLE difficult getting out of bed at 5:00 am this morning, but not too shabby, and I feel okay right now. Rested. My big crash has started coming around 2:00 pm and I’ve been drinking coffee again to self-medicate that. I don’t really want to get into a coffee habit again, so I’m hoping to nip that in the bud today. We will see. I know I could drink worse things, but I like to add cream to my coffee.

I can’t decide if I should call Dr. T and ask him about all of this. Sleep isn’t really in his gynecological bag of tricks, but I don’t want to take anything that could mess up the other potions he’s given me from his bag of tricks. I feel like I have to call all the time, I don’t really want to bug him unnecessarily.

BTW, Period Gate 2013-2014 is still ongoing. Still waiting. I’m supposed to have one by Friday. I’ve had a couple of moments of very light cramping over the last few days, but nothing else. I just want to get it over with. A girl with endometriosis waiting for her first period since August doesn’t really have anything to look forward to. I’m trying to be positive and hopeful that the surgery would do it’s thing, but the period I had back in August was a bit of a doozy pain wise, so I’m skeptical at best.

Skeptical Librarian is Skeptical.

BTW, I really like somedaymama’s suggestion of Cap’n for my bosses nickname. So I’m going with it. It’s piratey. I like it.

Thanks for reading, IFLB’s (InFertile Lady Bloggers). Keep doing what you do.

UPDATE:

I just talked to my doctor’s office and they’re fine with the melatonin, especially in a low dose. Especially since right now I’m just waiting on a period. And especially since next cycle we’ll be using femara and a trigger. If we weren’t doing the trigger I would probably skip it for safety. But man, I need sleep. Real bad. Thanks for contributing though. I’ll feel better now that Dr. T has officially okayed it.

Expressing Some Rage

Because it’s 12:07 am here, and there’s no one I can call to get this out.

Chief is in New Orleans on the bachelor party with Arch Frenesis (who I’m going to call Archie for short, because AF certainly won’t do) and our dear friend the groom and three other guys. They got there at 3:30 pm. Other than some texting here and there which has mostly been initiated by Chief, I haven’t talked to him. He said he would call me each night. And I’m not upset that they’re out late-that’s what bachelor parties are all about. Late night partying. I trust Chief 210%. Infinity %. BUT. I have church in the morning, and Chief promised to call, so I didn’t want him to call at 2:00 am if that’s when they were going to head back to the hotel. So I texted him around 11:45 pm and just asked if he would be calling soon, because other wise I needed to head to bed soonish. I didn’t do it in a “you must call me now” sort of way, I did it in a “if you’re going to call, it should probably be now, otherwise we can talk tomorrow” sort of way. I didn’t want him to call for a chat at 2:00 am. THAT’S FUCKING ALL.

So anyway, Chief called a few minutes later because they were moving from a club to a bar. We talked for maybe three minutes before the groom got on the phone and said “You know I love you, but Archie is going to start giving Chief hell if you don’t get off the phone” and I hear Archie in the background going “you’re being a DRAG, librarian” and not in a fun way. Although honestly I hate him so much that if he was trying to be friendly I wouldn’t take it that way. So anyway Chief grabs the phone back and at this point I’m a little tearful because I’ve been alone all day, we’ve had flash flood warnings ALL DAY. Our basement room in our house floods on a regular basis when we have heavy rain so I was worried about dealing with that all by myself. I’ve been doing laundry, cleaning, present wrapping. I have not seen another soul. That is not anyone’s fault, but it contributed to my mood when these two people were telling me I couldn’t even talk to my husband four five minutes. My husband, who I don’t have a lot of experience being away from. So Chief grabs the phone back and I tell him that I’ll just talk to him tomorrow and he says “I’ll call you in the morning” and I said “not if those jack asses are going to give you shit about it” and he says “I can put them in their place” and I said “If Archie gives you ANY shit about this phone call you tell him that I said to

FUCK.

OFF.

And I’m emphasizing it that way because that’s how I said it. And I said it a few times. I know Chief won’t actually say it. I know he won’t, even if it’s coming from me. But goddamnit I hate that guy. He is such an ASS. NONE of these guys are married but Chief, and if it weren’t a bachelors party I would have told the groom to fuck off and that I would talk to my husband as much as I want. But it’s his party, and he’s my friend, so I didn’t.

But let’s get one thing straight:

I don’t give one flying FUCK about Archie. I care for his opinion less than anyone elses in this world. The only reason I am restraining myself from calling him and tearing him a new one is because of the bachelor party. Because of the groom. AND because Chief has to be with him all weekend.

And in the total four minute (yes, I checked my phone, four minutes was the total length of the call) conversation I got to have with Chief he said that him and Archie have been hanging out and joking around a lot. I HATE THAT. I’m not saying Chief has to snub him, but GOD. Why?! I don’t TRUST Archie. I don’t. He’s a terrible, terrible human being. I don’t want him around my husband.

I want my husband home. And I at least want to be able to talk to him for maybe a whole ten minutes a day when he’s not home. And I really, really want to call him back now and just say fuck those other guys, I’m going to get my last six minutes of conversation in. But I don’t want to be “that wife” who ruined the trip.

Let’s just say that this is not how I planned on spending the weekend before Christmas.

ALL the cookies

Is what I’ve eaten today. I’m honestly not that upset about it, because despite my crazy bad holiday eating habits I’m still losing weight. SHHHHH! Don’t let my body find out it’s doing it wrong! This cookie diet is working!

Ahem.

In all seriousness, I have been letting myself splurge a little bit more these last few days, but that’s because unlike on Monday, my overall eating has been healthy. I’m still eating a healthy lunch of fat free yogurt, a sandwich of PB2 and jam, no sugar added applesauce, an orange. I’m just tossing a few cookies into the mix here or there.

Cookies are good, but the last few days have been rough. Monday night I talked to my mom on the phone for a while and she’s really struggling. She got laid off the same week that I got promoted a few months ago (talk about bad timing) and it’s really got her down right now. She loves Christmas and she’s bummed that they’re so broke and she can’t find a job. I was barely able to get off the phone with her without crying, because at one point I said “Mom, I’m just so sad you’re not happy. Christmas is your favorite-I want you to be happy” and I guess she took that as selfishness on my part (and maybe it was) because she got really aggressive and said “Well how would YOU feel if this were you?” Anyway, I got off the phone and started doing the big gulping sobs with my face all screwed up. Chief handled it like a champ, especially since for once it wasn’t him that made it happen.

And I’ve been working my butt off at the law firm (which I LOVE) and then coming to my day job where half of the people are terrible and by the end of the day I’m just spent. Today I was at the law firm from 7:00 am to 11:00 am and I’ve been here at my “real” job since 11:00 am and won’t leave until 8:00 pm (a little less than two hours from now). And the kids at the neighborhood school are in final exams, so once they’re done with testing they all come over and act like maniacs. And someone called in sick today. And I couldn’t find time to take a lunch break (I just scarfed down food and went back to work). And I could go on and on.

But here is an important thing that happened today:

Bum

BUM

BAAAAAH!

(that was dramatic, scary, suspenseful music if you didn’t know)

My arch frenesis (like nemesis and frenemy all rolled into one? It sort of makes sense. Don’t think about it too hard) “friended” me on facebook today.

My arch frenesis and I have gone back and forth for the past 11 years on whether we are friends or enemies. We’ve even dated (were you picturing a girl? Because yeah, it’s a guy) and by dated I mean fooled around here and there. But ultimately he’s a big, self-centered, egomaniacal jackass. And he tends to think he knows everything. Even with all of that, we had managed to be “friendly” to one another for the last few years because we have mutual friends and it’s just easier that way.

And then.

AND THEN:

One of my best guy friends in the whole world (Chief’s too-he was the best man in our wedding) got engaged and picked arch frenesis as the best man and chief as a groomsman. In all of the flurry on facebook (as there is surrounding an engagement) I noticed that arch frenesis had defriended me but NOT chief! And chief and arch frenesis aren’t friends! Not at all! They’ve only met once or twice. So that was a slap in the face-I thought we were playing nice! So at that point I was done. DONE.

But this weekend Chief and Arch Frenesis and the other groomspeeps are taking the groom on a bachelor weekend to New Orleans, which they’ve been planning all year. And all of a sudden arch frenesis decides to friend me again? Ugh. I wanted to say no, but I didn’t for the sake of the groom. I love him like a brother and I’m super protective of him. Also, I don’t want to seem immature even though I totally feel like it. He’s a jerk. I have enough jerks in my life. And I’m just waiting for him to say something to me at the wedding about when we’ll be pregnant, because that’s the kind of thing he does. He started talking to me about when I was going to get “knocked up” as soon as we were married. If we were in any setting but my best friends wedding I would really dress him down for saying something, but I know I’ll have to behave.

Being a grown up is hard.

Things I’ve Learned from WHITE DEATH 2013

1. I am not the kind of person who can just wash her hair and let it air dry without looking like a homeless person. I’m pretty sure I knew this before, but I got it cut recently and added some cute Zooey Deschanel-esque bangs and thought I’d experiment. The answer is no. You must blow dry your hair. The end.

2. My husband is a suicidal maniac who has left the safety and warmth of our house with a desperate craving for a Subway sandwich. He also disapproved of all the things we could potentially cook for dinner so he’s going to the grocery store to get things so I can make baked ziti. All the neighborhood streets are solid ice. Nervous wife is nervous.

3. If we didn’t already have a Netflix subscription, we would have gotten one today, because daytime television on Saturday is even worse than it used to be. We tried to watch National Lampoons European Vacation (It was on-and I didn’t even know it existed!) and the actors for Audrey and Rusty were different! I object!

4. Our new couch is the comfiest piece of furniture in the world, as I have spent a lot of time on it. I should be working out, especially if I’m making baked ziti tonight (which I am 🙂 ). But damn, this couch is comfy.

5. My basset hound mix LOVES sliding around on the ice. She has a really good time every time I let her outside. And doesn’t seem bothered by a severe lack of traction. Probably because her body is so low to the ground.

6. Just because you SHOULD be cleaning and really don’t have an excuse not to since you are stuck in your home, doesn’t mean that you will clean. I reference point four.