Maybe I Slept Better? UPDATED

I think maybe.

I took a few pieces of advice. One was to myself from myself from last year, which is that if I get my ass back in the gym and actually work out, I’ll wear myself out some more. I slept so much better after I started working out. So yeah, the exercising started back up last week. I really do feel better-about everything. Those damn endorphins sure know how to do their job.

The second is Melotonin. THank you nonsequiturchica! I have been told about Melotonin before but forgotten about it. I have a prescription for Ambien at home, but I can’t take it. It really knocks me on my butt-even half of one does. I have a really hard time getting up in the morning.

So yesterday Chief and I had lunch together and I mentioned that I thought I might like to take Melotonin to see if it would help me sleep. He said that Officer told him that he takes it. So I had Chief pick some up for me and when I got home I saw it was in 1 mg pills and the bottle said to take one a day. Now, we all know our good friend Dr. Google. I paid him a little visit last night and he said anywhere from .2 mg to 2 mg a day, and that severe insomniacs take 5 mg a day for short time periods. Too much confliction. I wanted a weight chart to tell me how much to take damnit.

So anyway, I called Officer thinking I could get an idea based off of what he takes. Y’all, he takes 8 mg on the days he doesn’t take Ambien. So he was all “I bet you should take around 5”. Heck no. Let’s all remember, Melotonin is still a hormone, I’m not dallying with it that much unless under doctor’s orders. So I compromised with him that I’d take one at 8:30 and if I wasn’t getting a case of the sleepies by 9:30 I’d take another. Which I did. I’d say I was asleep by 10:15-10:30, which is an improvement. I did still wake up when Chief got home and a couple of other times, but I don’t felt like I was AS awake as I have been the last few weeks when I’ve been waking up. If that makes sense.

It was a LITTLE difficult getting out of bed at 5:00 am this morning, but not too shabby, and I feel okay right now. Rested. My big crash has started coming around 2:00 pm and I’ve been drinking coffee again to self-medicate that. I don’t really want to get into a coffee habit again, so I’m hoping to nip that in the bud today. We will see. I know I could drink worse things, but I like to add cream to my coffee.

I can’t decide if I should call Dr. T and ask him about all of this. Sleep isn’t really in his gynecological bag of tricks, but I don’t want to take anything that could mess up the other potions he’s given me from his bag of tricks. I feel like I have to call all the time, I don’t really want to bug him unnecessarily.

BTW, Period Gate 2013-2014 is still ongoing. Still waiting. I’m supposed to have one by Friday. I’ve had a couple of moments of very light cramping over the last few days, but nothing else. I just want to get it over with. A girl with endometriosis waiting for her first period since August doesn’t really have anything to look forward to. I’m trying to be positive and hopeful that the surgery would do it’s thing, but the period I had back in August was a bit of a doozy pain wise, so I’m skeptical at best.

Skeptical Librarian is Skeptical.

BTW, I really like somedaymama’s suggestion of Cap’n for my bosses nickname. So I’m going with it. It’s piratey. I like it.

Thanks for reading, IFLB’s (InFertile Lady Bloggers). Keep doing what you do.

UPDATE:

I just talked to my doctor’s office and they’re fine with the melatonin, especially in a low dose. Especially since right now I’m just waiting on a period. And especially since next cycle we’ll be using femara and a trigger. If we weren’t doing the trigger I would probably skip it for safety. But man, I need sleep. Real bad. Thanks for contributing though. I’ll feel better now that Dr. T has officially okayed it.

Update

So I survived the “winter weather” (that really turned out to be just cold rain) to make it to see my doc this morning. When I walked into the office he himself was wrestling with a Christmas tree in the corner. I looked at the receptionist and said “Yeah, I’m [Barren Librarian] here to see the guy with the tree…” and then looked at him and said “You know, when I worked for a doctor he made me put up the Christmas tree”, and doc was all “I’m an OB/GYN with a staff full of women. I don’t make them do anything.”

Good point.

He asked me what was going on and I said, “Oh not much. My ovulation strips are insultingly negative, so I’m not feeling great about things.” And then he said, “Well, we may just have to kick things up a notch.”

Then, because we are so comfortable with each other at this point, he said “Do me a favor and go around the corner and let [Nurse] know you’re here”.

Then I took of all the clothes I could manage without being inappropriate, got weighed (down some more! 53 pounds lost!) and had my blood pressure taken, and then stripped down in preparation for the ULTRASOUND OF DOOM. (Cue dramatic music).

Okay, it wasn’t that bad. First I’ll just give you guys the facts, because I know you’re wondering:

My uterus looks “beautiful” according to the doctor. I have a good “uterine stripe” as he calls the lining-very healthy, exactly what we want to see. That was a relief to me. Then he went searching for my ovaries, and when I say searching I mean SEARCHING, because he couldn’t find lefty. I jokingly said “Are you sure you didn’t remove them during surgery?” with a nervous laugh. Anyway, he found righty, and there were two follicles on it. Neither of them are anything to speak of though. The biggest one is 8.8 mm. So yeah, it ain’t happening this cycle. That’s fine. I’m glad that things are “waking up” (in his words, this cycle is like “priming the pump before you use it”). Next cycle, we’re taking the letrozole up a dose and using a trigger shot. I’ve had a trigger before with Clomid and it didn’t work, but he feels so positive about this next cycle. And instead of just prescribing ovidrel he’s going to have the HCG compounded for me to save me some money. The Ovidrel is over $100 dollars a shot, so saving money is great. I’m all for saving money. In the end, he could barely find lefty because it wasn’t really stimulated at all, but good news folks-it’s still there.

Here is why I’m calling it the ULTRASOUND OF DOOM.

Doc had a student with him so he was really trying to find things to show her on the screen. We got several shots of my uterus, he showed her my tubes, the ovaries that he could find, even my bladder. It really went on for a while. And while I’ve come to accept Mr. Probe as a part of my life, it doesn’t mean I like him. I most certainly do not. By the end I was ready for my reproductive system to be my own again. During the ultrasound he said, “what side did we do the most work on during surgery? I can’t remember.” and I said “I’m not sure-you were the awake one, remember?”

We’re just a couple of old chums.

Anyway, he walked me to check-out and said “I think we’re going to get a Christmas miracle out of you!” which was sweet. So Hope, the fleeting bitch that she is, is back for a little while at least. Anyone wanna take bets on how long until I’m a sobbing mess again? Anyone? Anyone?

Thanks to those of you who were encouraging last night/this morning. It’s good to have friends 🙂

The Requisite “Needing Encouragement” Post

So, you know, it’s my first cycle back in the TTC game in about a year, and of course, things aren’t happening. So I need encouragement.

Can we all think back to October when my doctor SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME that he didn’t have high hopes for the first cycle off Lupron? I remember it clear as day, and yet I have been searching google like a crazy person because for the first time in all of my TTC history, I have NO test line on my OPK’s. I’m not just saying they’re negative, I’m saying they are super negative. Control line only. Maybe this is normal for some people, but not me. Usually I have at least some sort of test line and then it gradually darkens-even if I don’t ovulate. So in my head I have no LH whatsoever, and therefore no chance of ovulating this cycle.

AND I WAS TOLD THIS MIGHT HAPPEN. But I’m still feeling very “all hope is lost” about my situation. I feel like nothing will happen next cycle or the next. And then we’re done. No IVF, no IUI. That’s it.

Today is CD 13 and doc said if I was going to ovulate it would be between CD 12-16. I’ve felt so hopeless about the situation I haven’t even wanted to jump Chief’s bones. I’ve totally failed in that department. Luckily I have an ultrasound with doc tomorrow to see whats happening. Even if the ultrasound shows no ovulation will occur, I’m hoping he’ll see something like a uterine lining or any sort of egg growth at all that might indicate to us that things are waking up after the three months of Lupron and that next cycle should be better.

The bad news is that we’re supposed to get “winter weather” overnight, and even small amounts of winter weather in my area shuts everything down. Plus I’m not great at driving in the stuff, and I have to go over multiple bridges and overpasses. But I just really, really need to see my doctor. I NEED him to reassure me that there is hope, even if it’s not for this cycle.

And I wouldn’t mind that from you guys. The internet is so full of horror stories about Lupron ruining your life. Going into the holidays I just really need some hope.

Anyone?

Dropping the Bomb

Hello Warriors of the Womb!

Yes it is 12:10 am Monday morning and YES I should be asleep. However, I just finished a week of staycation time at home, meaning I got to stay up as late as I want and wake up whenever I wanted, meaning these next few days will suck sleeping wise. However-none of that matters. I have major updates!

Last Thursday I went to see my beloved OB/GYN. And I don’t say that sarcastically. I know a lot of you have had bad experiences with OB/GYN’s trying to help with infertility-but I love mine. He’s always been honest about the limitations of his abilities, but he has tried so many things to help me and we have been working together for almost two years now. I feel a lot of affection towards him and I think the feeling is mutual because on Thursday when he saw me for the first time in three months he came into my exam room and gave me a hug. Guys, I just love him. Anyway, after we exchanged some pleasantries and I was able to tell him that, shockingly, Lupron DIDN’T suck the big one, he asked this million dollar question:

“Do you want to get pregnant soon?”

To which my automatic response, of course, was “Um, yes.”

Except for here is the thing-I thought I had until January! The last time we talked he said that he thought January would be about the right time to give my body lots of time to come off of lupron and start up and get pregnant. Apparently I misunderstood-the last time we talked he thought I’d be pregnant by January-maybe February, because he wants me to start, like, NOW. So here’s what’s up: 12 days of prometrium (I’m on day 3) and then we wait for the period. If the period doesn’t come because I’ve been on Lupron so there may not be much lining to shed then seven days after my last prometrium counts as day one of the cycle, and days 3-7 I’m taking Femara (can we all say a big Hallelujah that I don’t have to take Clomid again?!), and then days 12-16 are intercourse intercourse intercourse. He said that we could have sex as often as 12 hours, because that’s all that most men take to “refill”. I clarified with him that once a day would suffice, and he felt that it would (I mean, we’re young, but every 12 hours? Yowzers).

We’re going to do this for three months and he seemed very positive and almost excited-he really thinks that we have a good shot-especially on month two or three. He said we should temper our expectations for the first month.

So this is what we’re doing, and I’m totally cool with it, but when I came home from the doctor that day I sort of fell apart. I hadn’t had to think about ANY of this for the last five or six months really. Especially the last three months since my surgery. I had forgotten what it was like to live a life that DIDN’T revolve around fertility drugs and a sex schedule. Also, over the last year I had sort of convinced myself that not having kids would be okay (which, in the end, it would) and that there were definite advantages to not having kids. I’m not wrong here. Freedom to do what we want, when we want, more money, less stress on our marriage, etc. etc. So when Chief came home and we started talking about it, I really went into a downward spiral of “maybe I don’t want to do this anymore”. He was supportive and said that being a dad was something he felt like he could handle with me by his side, but if I decided that parenting wasn’t for me then he would support me on it. He had league bowling that night and I told him to go ahead and go, because I felt like I needed some space to think about the situation.

I texted a friend of mine who had a baby a year ago and asked her to call me, and even though I had calmed down and stopped sobbing by the time she called, I still just fell apart when she started talking to me. But talking to her was the best choice I could have made. She was so certain and reassuring. There was no doubt in her voice that becoming a mother (even though she has to do a lot of it on her own because her husband travels during the week) was the best decision of her life, and by the end of the conversation my priorities had refocused. By the next morning when I woke up, I couldn’t believe I had ever doubted.

I am scared of not having enough money for daycare, or enough time for my husband, or selfishly, enough time for me, but I still know that I want this. I think what I was also really afraid of was how much I want it, and how much it hurts when it doesn’t happen.

So there’s your scatterbrained update friends. Wish me and my defective womb luck. It was Chief and I’s second wedding anniversary this week-maybe that’s a good sign.

Doctor Doctor, Give me the news…

So I went to see my doctor yesterday to have my post surgery check up and talk about options. Chief went with me which was nice, other than the awkwardness of having my husband sit next to me while Dr. T felt me up.

So before I thought my tubes and everything were fine and it was just endometriosis that he found-not true! Dr. T and I had had a discussion before the surgery that I didn’t want my parents to know about us trying for kids, so when he went to talk to my family afterwards I wanted him to gloss over those parts. Apparently, my right tube was COMPLETELY blocked. Like, completely. No dye got through until he opened it up, and then there was a rush of it. In my head I’m going “FOUR MONTHS OF CLOMID HELL FOR NOTHING?!?!” but I’m also relieved that it’s opened. He said it was VERY good that we did the surgery.

He also said that the endo he removed was stage II, but that he doesn’t really care what stage it’s in because stage I can hurt the same as stage IV, so the important thing is that we deal with it. He didn’t think that the Endo was probably affecting my fertility too much, but that it’s probably has some hand in it and it’s certainly not helping it.

Then he said he wants to give me a three month shot of Lupron and do the add back therapy to help with the side effects. We talked quite a bit about the side effects and the outlook for fertility after the shot has worn off. He said that it would probably be three months after the shot has worn off before I start cycling again, but he fully believes that I will cycle normally for at least a little while-maybe a long while. He says it’s important for the sake of keeping the endo from growing back, but it could also be the thing that helps us get pregnant. And the timeline is perfect, because we didn’t want to start trying until January anyway, so this puts us being “fertile” again by the end of January. He said I should start temping again in December. I don’t look forward to that, but I know it’s a good idea.

I’m sort of afraid of Lupron. There are a lot of people out there on the scary interwebs who said that they basically went crazy, couldn’t work, were in pain all the time, wanted to kill themselves. Dr. T assures me this is not the norm by any means, and that the add back therapy helps a lot. I’m also concerned about weight gain considering how hard I’m working to get rid of the weight!

So now I need advice. I now you’re all running away to a blog free weekend, but what do you think? I’ve agreed to do the shot because ultimately my body could probably use the reset. And I keep thinking that three months is nothing in the grand scheme of a better life-right?

This is my serenity song right now. It’s keeping me calm. Also, I’m pretty sure this is my 100th post. Happy Friday folks.

Endometriosis, Laparoscopy, and a Really Long Post

I have been gone for something like three weeks. This is, I realize, unreasonable. All I can do is try to catch you up on that time.

The most important thing that happened is that I had my laparoscopy. Leading up to it I got really nervous. Chief and I spent a lot of time the weekend before at the movie theatre-for whatever reason, seeing movies was an expensive but effective diversion for me. We even saw a movie the night before and didn’t get home until after 11:00 pm. This was a better plan than I ever expected-because I was so tired that I just took a shower and went straight to sleep. I didn’t have the energy to stress or be scared, and trust me, I had spent enough time feeling that way. I even cried a little on the way home from the theatre. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so this really freaked me out.

So Monday morning at 5:30 we were at the day surgery center and luckily they didn’t waste any time. I peed in a cup, I got my insurance all taken care of, and then I sat for maybe three minutes before the pre-op nurse came and took me away, assuring me that Chief would be able to come back and see me soon.

Everyone was so nice. I told my nurse that I was scared and that I’d never had surgery before and she was very comforting. She numbed my hand so she wouldn’t cause me pain putting the IV in and taking blood. She talked to me about my family and her family and all sorts of distracting things. Once the IV was in, I actually felt a lot better. Chief got to come back with me and my parents came and visited a little too. Then we got the upsetting news that my doctor’s surgery schedule was messed up and he had thought my procedure was tomorrow. It seemed like he was going to be potentially an hour late. I was NOT HAPPY. Luckily, he really booked it and made it quick. We ended up only starting about 15 minutes late. Once he came into the room I felt instantly calm. He is really reassuring and we’ve been down this journey together 100% of the way-I actually felt a rush of affection towards him that was unexpected. After we chatted about the procedure they gave me the Valium in my IV. Let me tell you, that is GOOD STUFF. They wheeled me into the OR and I had no worries at all. I was wearing my grey ankle socks with orange foxes on them and one of the nurses said “Oh! Are those cats on your socks?” And I said “No-they’re foxes. But I have cats!” and someone said (I think the anesthesiologist) “How many do you have?” And I said “Four-it’s really amazing that I found a husband, isn’t it?” And then everyone laughed and they put the anesthesia mask on and I was OUT.

When I woke up, I really hurt. Really, bad cramps, just like I’ve been having with my periods. The first words I said were “I’m hurting-where’s my husband? It hurts, I want my husband” And that went on a continuous loop. Luckily, they were on hand with some morphine and that went into my IV and started working pretty quickly. They gave me a second dose about five minutes later because it still hurt some, although I told them it was manageable. Apparently they are very anti pain, and I was okay with that. I kept asking for my husband and also water because I was so thirsty. They finally got my husband for me and then I wanted to go back to sleep, which they told me I could do, but they couldn’t release me to go home until I was really awake, so I fought it pretty hard and they let me go home. On top of the morphine, they gave me a percocet before I left, just in case.

He cauterized a good amount of endometriosis. My tubes were open and everything else looked good. He showed my husband pictures but I haven’t seen them yet because my doctor was gone by the time I woke up. I have six incisions, which is more than usual, but he kept finding it places I guess and having to go in through different areas to cauterize it. The good news is that after that initial pain, I didn’t have much. I bled a medium flow for about three days, and I only had to take percocet for the first two days. I had some pain when sitting up and rolling over and stuff, but the worst pain was in my shoulders-that was pretty bad. Also when taking deep breaths for the first few days. Now, my stomach looks/feels bruised. It seems that some of the incisions are healing faster than others. I have a follow up on the 19th and Chief is going with me so we can make a game plan.

Right now the worst part is that I’m on pelvic rest for another two weeks. Never have I wanted to have sex more than when I’m told that I can’t. And three weeks of pelvic rest seems excessive. I can’t even take baths-and I love taking baths! Baths and sex are my favorites!

Anyway, tomorrow I have to go back to work (drag) and get back to my normal life as much as possible. I’m going to go the gym tomorrow and see what I can do. Even though I had surgery this week, I really enjoyed having a lot of time off with my husband. We don’t get to do that very often, and when we do have time off we’re always busy. This was just a week of laying in bed together for the most part, and I really loved that. So in a way, surgery gave me something unexpected-and that was a whole new appreciation for Chief. I’m a little nervous about our game plan going forward, but I’m trying to tell myself not to stress about it before we meet with the doctor in a few weeks.

If you’ve made it to the end you deserve a prize.