Growing and growing

Thank you, thank you for all of your sweet and kind words. That last post is one of the truest and most emotional I’ve ever put down. It was such a big part of me that apparently I had to disappear for a while. It showed a lot of personal growth that I didn’t realize was happening this summer, and today I’m going to tell you about some more.

 

I have decided to stop protecting assholes who ask me when I’m going to have a baby. And by protecting I mean I’m no longer going to say “Oh, you know, when the time is right” or, my personal favorite “We’re just enjoying spending time together and don’t want to rush into anything”.

I don’t know if my mellow menopause time is wearing off (who knew that would be the result of Lupron?) and I’m turning back into a human being or what, but this past weekend a really great friend of mine got married and there were various parties to attend in her honor. One of them was a stock the bar party on Thursday night and when I got there, this totally vile girl that I went to middle and high school with was there. She is 25 like me and already has two kids. The first one was a one night stand accident, the second she planned with her husband and it took her three whole months to get pregnant, so you know, she’s really struggled.

Anyway, the moment I saw that she was there I instantly wanted to leave. Besides her being a terrible person all the way through school (I can tell you stories, but that would be a digression from the truly heinous thing that she did at this party), she’s also one of those mothers who has to post exactly the right way to do things on FB. I mean, you just HAVE to have an all natural childbirth, and you HAVE to exclusively breast feed, and if you don’t have a midwife, well, clearly you are insane, and you know, if you don’t encapsulate your placenta then you’ll go crazy and murder people and stuff. I’m not saying that natural child birth, EBF, midwifes, and encapsulated placenta aren’t great. I would be just as annoyed if she was spouting the opposite side of things-because NO ONE has to do something like someone else. There is definitely a wrong way to do things, but having a c-section or an epidural is NOT wrong, using only doctors and not a midwife is NOT WRONG, using formula exclusively or mixing formula and breast feeding is NOT WRONG. That whole placenta thing is a personal choice. They’re all personal choices and no one, NO ONE needs to push people into things, especially on facebook. She is obsessed with her own point of view and with childbirth and getting pregnant. So needless to say, I dreaded seeing her. Dreaded it.

When I walked in she was already talking about her natural childbirth. She was drinking a white russian and announced to the bar that she would be “pumping and dumping” to which I wanted to say “NO ONE ASKED”. Then she went on to say that her next baby would be born at home in the bath tub. Again, I’m not trying to sound judgey. I don’t CARE how people have their children as long as it’s safe and everyone turns out okay, but at someone else’s WEDDING party we really don’t need to hear you shouting about placenta and PH test strips for breast milk.

And then, as I knew would happen, she turned to me and my husband and YELLED across the room full of my friends from high school, “So, when are YOU TWO going to get pregnant?!”

And guys, something in me sort of snapped at that point. I could have handled it the way I always do, but I said fuck no to that. She’s going to try and butt into our personal life? Well she’s going to get an earful. So I responded in this manner:

“Actually, we’ve been trying for almost two years. I have endometriosis and PCOS and had surgery this year. We don’t really know what our prognosis is, but it’s a pretty painful and emotional situation we’ve been having to deal with. We have hopes for the future, but are tempering them with the reality that it just might not happen for us.”

 

I didn’t say it in an angry way, or a sad way. Just a realistic, here’s what’s happening sort of way. And she basically shrugged, looked really embarrassed at her behavior, and turned away to talk to someone else. One of my friends who is a kind and caring person said, “Oh my, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were going through that” to which I responded, “Well, it’s pretty hard to tell everyone about it. No one wants to have to admit that they have a broken uterus” to which the terrible awful girl then turned around and said “Well, MY uterus certainly isn’t broken!”

I. AM. NOT. SHITTING. YOU.

My husband squeezed my arm and gave me a look that said “If I don’t walk out of this room right now I WILL punch her in the face”, so I patted him on the back and told him to get some air. I stayed and talked with the nice person who was HORRIFIED on my behalf. HORRIFIED. I was mad, I won’t shit you. But something I’m learning is that we can only control our own behavior, and you know what? I behaved like a fucking queen that night. I was gracious, and honest, and I’m not afraid to pat myself on the back for it. So there is your dose of personal growth for the week. I encourage all of you to do the same to those who might attack you for your uterine deficiencies, because it feels really good to see the smug look on their face be replaced with embarrasment. And all the shit we go through DOES  make us stronger than the average woman, so I’m done being ashamed of it. We are survivors just like anyone else. Don’t any of you EVER forget it.

Everything Itches Bitches!

I’m feeling…..perky and itchy.

All the glue came out (came out…was pulled out….this is really just a case of semantics) of my incisions this week. Nothing has opened up and everything seems to be healing really well. There’s just one problem:

MY STOMACH ITCHES SO MUCH I COULD SET IT ON FIRE AND PROBABLY BE HAPPIER.

That might be a slight overreaction, but not by much. The water hitting my stomach in the shower first thing in the morning is almost an orgasmic experience-it feels so good it’s ridiculous, and it also makes me want to scratch and scratch and scratch. And it’s not just the incisions, it’s the WHOLE FREAKING STOMACH. What is normal about that?!? The answer is NOTHING. NOTHING DAMNIT.

Last night I had a great workout at the gym which was a relief, because Monday’s was disappointing. I was barely about to do light working out for twenty minutes before I was cramping too much and had to call it quits. But last night I was able to do 30 minutes of fast exercise bike whilst enjoying a book on my kindle (a little pre-surgery present from Chief, only slightly marred by the fact that my eyes were freaking dilated the whole week I was recovering). It makes the working out go so much faster, because the kindle sits on the ledge where the screen of the machine is, so I’m not watching the time go by.

I’ve gained a new TV obsession, which is Mad Men. OHMIGOD. So obsessed. I hate and love Don Draper so much. It’s not at all healthy. But I can’t stop watching. Netflix has the first five seasons and I’m on either the third of fourth one. I also watched the first two seasons of New Girl in the last few weeks and am also in love. Zooey Deschanel is my homegirl. fo’reals.

And finally my uterine challenged friends, I want to bring your attention to something that is really dear to my heart, which is the fight being waged in Texas between those who believe that reproductive rights lie only with those who are, well, reproducing (i.e. women) and Gov. Perry and his gang of dim witted cronies. Senator Wendy Davis is leading the charge to keep something like 90% of women’s health clinics from being shut down in Texas, and whether you’re a Texan or not-this is your fight too. I encourage you to check out this website:

http://txwomen.tumblr.com/

And if you stand with Texas women, send in a picture of yourself and anyone else who wants to. I may like watching Mad Men-but there’s no need to let people like Perry take us back in time.

Happy Friday.

Endometriosis, Laparoscopy, and a Really Long Post

I have been gone for something like three weeks. This is, I realize, unreasonable. All I can do is try to catch you up on that time.

The most important thing that happened is that I had my laparoscopy. Leading up to it I got really nervous. Chief and I spent a lot of time the weekend before at the movie theatre-for whatever reason, seeing movies was an expensive but effective diversion for me. We even saw a movie the night before and didn’t get home until after 11:00 pm. This was a better plan than I ever expected-because I was so tired that I just took a shower and went straight to sleep. I didn’t have the energy to stress or be scared, and trust me, I had spent enough time feeling that way. I even cried a little on the way home from the theatre. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so this really freaked me out.

So Monday morning at 5:30 we were at the day surgery center and luckily they didn’t waste any time. I peed in a cup, I got my insurance all taken care of, and then I sat for maybe three minutes before the pre-op nurse came and took me away, assuring me that Chief would be able to come back and see me soon.

Everyone was so nice. I told my nurse that I was scared and that I’d never had surgery before and she was very comforting. She numbed my hand so she wouldn’t cause me pain putting the IV in and taking blood. She talked to me about my family and her family and all sorts of distracting things. Once the IV was in, I actually felt a lot better. Chief got to come back with me and my parents came and visited a little too. Then we got the upsetting news that my doctor’s surgery schedule was messed up and he had thought my procedure was tomorrow. It seemed like he was going to be potentially an hour late. I was NOT HAPPY. Luckily, he really booked it and made it quick. We ended up only starting about 15 minutes late. Once he came into the room I felt instantly calm. He is really reassuring and we’ve been down this journey together 100% of the way-I actually felt a rush of affection towards him that was unexpected. After we chatted about the procedure they gave me the Valium in my IV. Let me tell you, that is GOOD STUFF. They wheeled me into the OR and I had no worries at all. I was wearing my grey ankle socks with orange foxes on them and one of the nurses said “Oh! Are those cats on your socks?” And I said “No-they’re foxes. But I have cats!” and someone said (I think the anesthesiologist) “How many do you have?” And I said “Four-it’s really amazing that I found a husband, isn’t it?” And then everyone laughed and they put the anesthesia mask on and I was OUT.

When I woke up, I really hurt. Really, bad cramps, just like I’ve been having with my periods. The first words I said were “I’m hurting-where’s my husband? It hurts, I want my husband” And that went on a continuous loop. Luckily, they were on hand with some morphine and that went into my IV and started working pretty quickly. They gave me a second dose about five minutes later because it still hurt some, although I told them it was manageable. Apparently they are very anti pain, and I was okay with that. I kept asking for my husband and also water because I was so thirsty. They finally got my husband for me and then I wanted to go back to sleep, which they told me I could do, but they couldn’t release me to go home until I was really awake, so I fought it pretty hard and they let me go home. On top of the morphine, they gave me a percocet before I left, just in case.

He cauterized a good amount of endometriosis. My tubes were open and everything else looked good. He showed my husband pictures but I haven’t seen them yet because my doctor was gone by the time I woke up. I have six incisions, which is more than usual, but he kept finding it places I guess and having to go in through different areas to cauterize it. The good news is that after that initial pain, I didn’t have much. I bled a medium flow for about three days, and I only had to take percocet for the first two days. I had some pain when sitting up and rolling over and stuff, but the worst pain was in my shoulders-that was pretty bad. Also when taking deep breaths for the first few days. Now, my stomach looks/feels bruised. It seems that some of the incisions are healing faster than others. I have a follow up on the 19th and Chief is going with me so we can make a game plan.

Right now the worst part is that I’m on pelvic rest for another two weeks. Never have I wanted to have sex more than when I’m told that I can’t. And three weeks of pelvic rest seems excessive. I can’t even take baths-and I love taking baths! Baths and sex are my favorites!

Anyway, tomorrow I have to go back to work (drag) and get back to my normal life as much as possible. I’m going to go the gym tomorrow and see what I can do. Even though I had surgery this week, I really enjoyed having a lot of time off with my husband. We don’t get to do that very often, and when we do have time off we’re always busy. This was just a week of laying in bed together for the most part, and I really loved that. So in a way, surgery gave me something unexpected-and that was a whole new appreciation for Chief. I’m a little nervous about our game plan going forward, but I’m trying to tell myself not to stress about it before we meet with the doctor in a few weeks.

If you’ve made it to the end you deserve a prize.

An Emotional Fathers Day

I woke up on Father’s Day and knew it was going to be rough. We’ve gotten so much bad news lately. The parent centered days are never easy for those of us who may never be parents.

I woke up and cried and told Chief I was sorry that I couldn’t give him what he deserved. And he said that as long as he had me that was more than he deserved. And then I cried some more.

Then we went to fathers day lunch with my pawpaw at my Aunt’s house (let’s call her Aunt 1, for I have two Aunt’s on my mothers side and they are both relevant to this story). I didn’t feel very well-I’d been having some pain, but I took a Vicodin and pushed through. At lunch my cousin Paul (who is sterile from a bought of testicular cancer, and considered too old for adoption) made a comment about “…and when you have kids…” I took that opportunity to share with him about my procedure and what we’ve been going through this past year. He had already known some of it because I had told his wife a while back, but I knew I was going to have to tell my whole family (we’re freakishly close on my mom’s side) so I figured I’d start with him. He was incredibly kind, so of course I cried (just a little-not noticable to anyone but my mom I think).

Then Aunt 1 and Aunt 2 were fussing in the kitchen about making a care package for gramma and pawpaw to take home and I told my mom I wanted to go ahead and tell them. I kept saying, apparently too quietly, “hey guys…” or “excuse me….” or “I have something to tell you…” but they just fussed and fussed. Finally my mom said, “Hey guys, [librarian] has something to tell you.”

They both instantly stopped fussing and looked at me. And I started to cry. Then they both started fussing over me and I choked out what I had to say and my mom, her two sisters and I sat in the kitchen while everyone else watched golf and cried.

You see, I’m the last granddaughter. I have a sister and a cousin. My sister didn’t want kids, but she also had major ovarian cysts and had 1 and 3/4 ovaries removed and her tubes tied as a preventative measure. My cousin wanted kids, but her husband is sterile and almost fifty, and apparently in our state that’s too old to adopt. And then there’s me.

So that was Father’s Day. I had dinner with my dad that night and my sister who I despise. Luckily my sister invited a bunch of her friends so she was distracted from bothering me too much.

Then I got a stomach virus that I’m still getting over. And this lady I work with who KNOWS that we’ve had all these problems and that I’m about to have surgery says “maybe you’re pregnant…” and I start breathing fire and talking in Parseltongue because I feel so consumed by evil by that comment. Because, yes, before I came back down to earth and remembered that I dont ovulate and I just had a nearly two week long period, I thought maybe I could be too. Then I remembered reality.

I’ll get back to the book challenge on my next post. I just needed to get this out.

Questions

It has been scheduled. Officially. I go in for my lap surgery at 5:30 am on July 1st. My procedure will be at 7:30 am. It looks like it’s going to cost around $1500 out of pocket, but the hospital is going to let us make payments, which is great. My work loaned me $750 interest free and will take $75 out a paycheck for the next ten paychecks to pay it back. I’m blessed to work here-really and truly. Everyone has been so supportive.

When I scheduled the surgery today they told me the basics-no eating after midnight, have someone there to drive you home, etc. She said that my doctor would call the Friday before (my surgery is on a Monday) and go over things in detail with me and that I could take that time to ask him any questions that might crop up. Here are some I’ve already thought of:

1. Will I have to be on a catheter?
2. What drugs will I go home with?
3. Is bleeding (vaginally-not incision site wise) expected after this surgery?
4. What level of pain is normal post surgery?
5. How long should I refrain from cardio activity?
6. What is involved in this two hour prep time?

I’m going to ask him all of these and I’m sure more. If you have any questions you think I should ask, throw them in. If you have answers from YOUR own experiences with this procedure, I’d love to hear those as well. Some good news is that we found out that the military has been skimping Chief on his BAH pay since we got married, so we’re expecting to get some back pay in 7-10 days-which is going to possibly come in REALLY handy for this surgery. Also, my hospital is considering discounting our fees since he’s about to go on furlough.

On to the book challenge!

13. Your favorite book from childhood

Hmmm. Tough one-although probably the BFG by Roald Dahl. It was the first chapter book I ever read on my own and I read it pretty fast for a third grader. Dahl is magical.

14. A book you regret not having read sooner

Princess Diaries. Easily. I just finished the last book and they have been such sweet, darling books. Hilarious and quirky with some romance and crazy teenage antics. I just loved every minute of all 14 books!