I woke up on Father’s Day and knew it was going to be rough. We’ve gotten so much bad news lately. The parent centered days are never easy for those of us who may never be parents.
I woke up and cried and told Chief I was sorry that I couldn’t give him what he deserved. And he said that as long as he had me that was more than he deserved. And then I cried some more.
Then we went to fathers day lunch with my pawpaw at my Aunt’s house (let’s call her Aunt 1, for I have two Aunt’s on my mothers side and they are both relevant to this story). I didn’t feel very well-I’d been having some pain, but I took a Vicodin and pushed through. At lunch my cousin Paul (who is sterile from a bought of testicular cancer, and considered too old for adoption) made a comment about “…and when you have kids…” I took that opportunity to share with him about my procedure and what we’ve been going through this past year. He had already known some of it because I had told his wife a while back, but I knew I was going to have to tell my whole family (we’re freakishly close on my mom’s side) so I figured I’d start with him. He was incredibly kind, so of course I cried (just a little-not noticable to anyone but my mom I think).
Then Aunt 1 and Aunt 2 were fussing in the kitchen about making a care package for gramma and pawpaw to take home and I told my mom I wanted to go ahead and tell them. I kept saying, apparently too quietly, “hey guys…” or “excuse me….” or “I have something to tell you…” but they just fussed and fussed. Finally my mom said, “Hey guys, [librarian] has something to tell you.”
They both instantly stopped fussing and looked at me. And I started to cry. Then they both started fussing over me and I choked out what I had to say and my mom, her two sisters and I sat in the kitchen while everyone else watched golf and cried.
You see, I’m the last granddaughter. I have a sister and a cousin. My sister didn’t want kids, but she also had major ovarian cysts and had 1 and 3/4 ovaries removed and her tubes tied as a preventative measure. My cousin wanted kids, but her husband is sterile and almost fifty, and apparently in our state that’s too old to adopt. And then there’s me.
So that was Father’s Day. I had dinner with my dad that night and my sister who I despise. Luckily my sister invited a bunch of her friends so she was distracted from bothering me too much.
Then I got a stomach virus that I’m still getting over. And this lady I work with who KNOWS that we’ve had all these problems and that I’m about to have surgery says “maybe you’re pregnant…” and I start breathing fire and talking in Parseltongue because I feel so consumed by evil by that comment. Because, yes, before I came back down to earth and remembered that I dont ovulate and I just had a nearly two week long period, I thought maybe I could be too. Then I remembered reality.
I’ll get back to the book challenge on my next post. I just needed to get this out.