Maybe I Slept Better? UPDATED

I think maybe.

I took a few pieces of advice. One was to myself from myself from last year, which is that if I get my ass back in the gym and actually work out, I’ll wear myself out some more. I slept so much better after I started working out. So yeah, the exercising started back up last week. I really do feel better-about everything. Those damn endorphins sure know how to do their job.

The second is Melotonin. THank you nonsequiturchica! I have been told about Melotonin before but forgotten about it. I have a prescription for Ambien at home, but I can’t take it. It really knocks me on my butt-even half of one does. I have a really hard time getting up in the morning.

So yesterday Chief and I had lunch together and I mentioned that I thought I might like to take Melotonin to see if it would help me sleep. He said that Officer told him that he takes it. So I had Chief pick some up for me and when I got home I saw it was in 1 mg pills and the bottle said to take one a day. Now, we all know our good friend Dr. Google. I paid him a little visit last night and he said anywhere from .2 mg to 2 mg a day, and that severe insomniacs take 5 mg a day for short time periods. Too much confliction. I wanted a weight chart to tell me how much to take damnit.

So anyway, I called Officer thinking I could get an idea based off of what he takes. Y’all, he takes 8 mg on the days he doesn’t take Ambien. So he was all “I bet you should take around 5”. Heck no. Let’s all remember, Melotonin is still a hormone, I’m not dallying with it that much unless under doctor’s orders. So I compromised with him that I’d take one at 8:30 and if I wasn’t getting a case of the sleepies by 9:30 I’d take another. Which I did. I’d say I was asleep by 10:15-10:30, which is an improvement. I did still wake up when Chief got home and a couple of other times, but I don’t felt like I was AS awake as I have been the last few weeks when I’ve been waking up. If that makes sense.

It was a LITTLE difficult getting out of bed at 5:00 am this morning, but not too shabby, and I feel okay right now. Rested. My big crash has started coming around 2:00 pm and I’ve been drinking coffee again to self-medicate that. I don’t really want to get into a coffee habit again, so I’m hoping to nip that in the bud today. We will see. I know I could drink worse things, but I like to add cream to my coffee.

I can’t decide if I should call Dr. T and ask him about all of this. Sleep isn’t really in his gynecological bag of tricks, but I don’t want to take anything that could mess up the other potions he’s given me from his bag of tricks. I feel like I have to call all the time, I don’t really want to bug him unnecessarily.

BTW, Period Gate 2013-2014 is still ongoing. Still waiting. I’m supposed to have one by Friday. I’ve had a couple of moments of very light cramping over the last few days, but nothing else. I just want to get it over with. A girl with endometriosis waiting for her first period since August doesn’t really have anything to look forward to. I’m trying to be positive and hopeful that the surgery would do it’s thing, but the period I had back in August was a bit of a doozy pain wise, so I’m skeptical at best.

Skeptical Librarian is Skeptical.

BTW, I really like somedaymama’s suggestion of Cap’n for my bosses nickname. So I’m going with it. It’s piratey. I like it.

Thanks for reading, IFLB’s (InFertile Lady Bloggers). Keep doing what you do.

UPDATE:

I just talked to my doctor’s office and they’re fine with the melatonin, especially in a low dose. Especially since right now I’m just waiting on a period. And especially since next cycle we’ll be using femara and a trigger. If we weren’t doing the trigger I would probably skip it for safety. But man, I need sleep. Real bad. Thanks for contributing though. I’ll feel better now that Dr. T has officially okayed it.

Everything that’s ever happened happened in the past two weeks

That might be a slight exaggeration, but perhaps not.

So as you guys know, I got the assistant manager gig. HOORAH! Hard work and lots of school really DOES pay off at some point 😀

The transition hasn’t been the easiest. Some people have been resistant. At some point I might type a private post about that. You know how paranoid I am about internet spies. But at the end of the day I’m where I need and genuinely believe I deserve to be, and that’s what I keep telling myself.

Also, I have even more work to do than I did before. I’m not really losing any responsibilities as a programmer, I’m just gaining new responsibilities as a manager. Which is fine, staying busy makes the day go faster after all.

In IF updates, the update is that I have no updates. No Lupron side effects that I can notice. I’ve had some problems sleeping, but I can’t tell if that’s from stress or Lupron. The progesterone has been fine. My boobs have even stopped hurting. And I think my hair looks so much better, so I’ll miss that aspect of it. The bummer is that I get to have the shoot-dye-up-my-vagina test on Monday to see if my tubes have remained unblocked since the surgery. It seems soon since it’s only been two months, but this is what the doctor said to do, and far be it from me to disagree. I’m concerned about insurance paying for it, but they paid for it on my surgery day (I think) so I’m just going with it.

Speaking of my surgery, my anesthesiologist has billed me, my surgeon has billed me. You know who HASN’T billed me? The freaking hospital. And I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to remind them or anything. But it’s really weird. I haven’t even gotten notification from my insurance company that they’ve been billed, but I know they have been because the anesthesiologist only took half the deductible, which would mean if the hospital hadn’t billed I would have had to pay all the surgeon’s fee, and I only had to pay 20%. I’m on an 80/20 plan, which means that the hospital must have billed.

So why haven’t I gotten a bill? I payed a $300 down payment, but that shouldn’t have covered everything after deductible. I think I should owe another $400 or so.

Insurance is SOOO fun.

In fitness news, I’m down 45 pounds. It’s SOOOO slow now. So slow. But at least it’s still moving. I’ve started doing quarter mile sprints on the elliptical. They are HARD. But I think they’ll be worth it. Upping the intensity seems like the logical next step. My muscles are hurting, and last night I had one of those never ending dreams where I’m being chased. I keep thinking the two must be related :-/

I’ll update you guys after the super fun vagina-dye test. At least I’m getting an afternoon off out of the deal….

Everything Itches Bitches!

I’m feeling…..perky and itchy.

All the glue came out (came out…was pulled out….this is really just a case of semantics) of my incisions this week. Nothing has opened up and everything seems to be healing really well. There’s just one problem:

MY STOMACH ITCHES SO MUCH I COULD SET IT ON FIRE AND PROBABLY BE HAPPIER.

That might be a slight overreaction, but not by much. The water hitting my stomach in the shower first thing in the morning is almost an orgasmic experience-it feels so good it’s ridiculous, and it also makes me want to scratch and scratch and scratch. And it’s not just the incisions, it’s the WHOLE FREAKING STOMACH. What is normal about that?!? The answer is NOTHING. NOTHING DAMNIT.

Last night I had a great workout at the gym which was a relief, because Monday’s was disappointing. I was barely about to do light working out for twenty minutes before I was cramping too much and had to call it quits. But last night I was able to do 30 minutes of fast exercise bike whilst enjoying a book on my kindle (a little pre-surgery present from Chief, only slightly marred by the fact that my eyes were freaking dilated the whole week I was recovering). It makes the working out go so much faster, because the kindle sits on the ledge where the screen of the machine is, so I’m not watching the time go by.

I’ve gained a new TV obsession, which is Mad Men. OHMIGOD. So obsessed. I hate and love Don Draper so much. It’s not at all healthy. But I can’t stop watching. Netflix has the first five seasons and I’m on either the third of fourth one. I also watched the first two seasons of New Girl in the last few weeks and am also in love. Zooey Deschanel is my homegirl. fo’reals.

And finally my uterine challenged friends, I want to bring your attention to something that is really dear to my heart, which is the fight being waged in Texas between those who believe that reproductive rights lie only with those who are, well, reproducing (i.e. women) and Gov. Perry and his gang of dim witted cronies. Senator Wendy Davis is leading the charge to keep something like 90% of women’s health clinics from being shut down in Texas, and whether you’re a Texan or not-this is your fight too. I encourage you to check out this website:

http://txwomen.tumblr.com/

And if you stand with Texas women, send in a picture of yourself and anyone else who wants to. I may like watching Mad Men-but there’s no need to let people like Perry take us back in time.

Happy Friday.

Endometriosis, Laparoscopy, and a Really Long Post

I have been gone for something like three weeks. This is, I realize, unreasonable. All I can do is try to catch you up on that time.

The most important thing that happened is that I had my laparoscopy. Leading up to it I got really nervous. Chief and I spent a lot of time the weekend before at the movie theatre-for whatever reason, seeing movies was an expensive but effective diversion for me. We even saw a movie the night before and didn’t get home until after 11:00 pm. This was a better plan than I ever expected-because I was so tired that I just took a shower and went straight to sleep. I didn’t have the energy to stress or be scared, and trust me, I had spent enough time feeling that way. I even cried a little on the way home from the theatre. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so this really freaked me out.

So Monday morning at 5:30 we were at the day surgery center and luckily they didn’t waste any time. I peed in a cup, I got my insurance all taken care of, and then I sat for maybe three minutes before the pre-op nurse came and took me away, assuring me that Chief would be able to come back and see me soon.

Everyone was so nice. I told my nurse that I was scared and that I’d never had surgery before and she was very comforting. She numbed my hand so she wouldn’t cause me pain putting the IV in and taking blood. She talked to me about my family and her family and all sorts of distracting things. Once the IV was in, I actually felt a lot better. Chief got to come back with me and my parents came and visited a little too. Then we got the upsetting news that my doctor’s surgery schedule was messed up and he had thought my procedure was tomorrow. It seemed like he was going to be potentially an hour late. I was NOT HAPPY. Luckily, he really booked it and made it quick. We ended up only starting about 15 minutes late. Once he came into the room I felt instantly calm. He is really reassuring and we’ve been down this journey together 100% of the way-I actually felt a rush of affection towards him that was unexpected. After we chatted about the procedure they gave me the Valium in my IV. Let me tell you, that is GOOD STUFF. They wheeled me into the OR and I had no worries at all. I was wearing my grey ankle socks with orange foxes on them and one of the nurses said “Oh! Are those cats on your socks?” And I said “No-they’re foxes. But I have cats!” and someone said (I think the anesthesiologist) “How many do you have?” And I said “Four-it’s really amazing that I found a husband, isn’t it?” And then everyone laughed and they put the anesthesia mask on and I was OUT.

When I woke up, I really hurt. Really, bad cramps, just like I’ve been having with my periods. The first words I said were “I’m hurting-where’s my husband? It hurts, I want my husband” And that went on a continuous loop. Luckily, they were on hand with some morphine and that went into my IV and started working pretty quickly. They gave me a second dose about five minutes later because it still hurt some, although I told them it was manageable. Apparently they are very anti pain, and I was okay with that. I kept asking for my husband and also water because I was so thirsty. They finally got my husband for me and then I wanted to go back to sleep, which they told me I could do, but they couldn’t release me to go home until I was really awake, so I fought it pretty hard and they let me go home. On top of the morphine, they gave me a percocet before I left, just in case.

He cauterized a good amount of endometriosis. My tubes were open and everything else looked good. He showed my husband pictures but I haven’t seen them yet because my doctor was gone by the time I woke up. I have six incisions, which is more than usual, but he kept finding it places I guess and having to go in through different areas to cauterize it. The good news is that after that initial pain, I didn’t have much. I bled a medium flow for about three days, and I only had to take percocet for the first two days. I had some pain when sitting up and rolling over and stuff, but the worst pain was in my shoulders-that was pretty bad. Also when taking deep breaths for the first few days. Now, my stomach looks/feels bruised. It seems that some of the incisions are healing faster than others. I have a follow up on the 19th and Chief is going with me so we can make a game plan.

Right now the worst part is that I’m on pelvic rest for another two weeks. Never have I wanted to have sex more than when I’m told that I can’t. And three weeks of pelvic rest seems excessive. I can’t even take baths-and I love taking baths! Baths and sex are my favorites!

Anyway, tomorrow I have to go back to work (drag) and get back to my normal life as much as possible. I’m going to go the gym tomorrow and see what I can do. Even though I had surgery this week, I really enjoyed having a lot of time off with my husband. We don’t get to do that very often, and when we do have time off we’re always busy. This was just a week of laying in bed together for the most part, and I really loved that. So in a way, surgery gave me something unexpected-and that was a whole new appreciation for Chief. I’m a little nervous about our game plan going forward, but I’m trying to tell myself not to stress about it before we meet with the doctor in a few weeks.

If you’ve made it to the end you deserve a prize.

An Emotional Fathers Day

I woke up on Father’s Day and knew it was going to be rough. We’ve gotten so much bad news lately. The parent centered days are never easy for those of us who may never be parents.

I woke up and cried and told Chief I was sorry that I couldn’t give him what he deserved. And he said that as long as he had me that was more than he deserved. And then I cried some more.

Then we went to fathers day lunch with my pawpaw at my Aunt’s house (let’s call her Aunt 1, for I have two Aunt’s on my mothers side and they are both relevant to this story). I didn’t feel very well-I’d been having some pain, but I took a Vicodin and pushed through. At lunch my cousin Paul (who is sterile from a bought of testicular cancer, and considered too old for adoption) made a comment about “…and when you have kids…” I took that opportunity to share with him about my procedure and what we’ve been going through this past year. He had already known some of it because I had told his wife a while back, but I knew I was going to have to tell my whole family (we’re freakishly close on my mom’s side) so I figured I’d start with him. He was incredibly kind, so of course I cried (just a little-not noticable to anyone but my mom I think).

Then Aunt 1 and Aunt 2 were fussing in the kitchen about making a care package for gramma and pawpaw to take home and I told my mom I wanted to go ahead and tell them. I kept saying, apparently too quietly, “hey guys…” or “excuse me….” or “I have something to tell you…” but they just fussed and fussed. Finally my mom said, “Hey guys, [librarian] has something to tell you.”

They both instantly stopped fussing and looked at me. And I started to cry. Then they both started fussing over me and I choked out what I had to say and my mom, her two sisters and I sat in the kitchen while everyone else watched golf and cried.

You see, I’m the last granddaughter. I have a sister and a cousin. My sister didn’t want kids, but she also had major ovarian cysts and had 1 and 3/4 ovaries removed and her tubes tied as a preventative measure. My cousin wanted kids, but her husband is sterile and almost fifty, and apparently in our state that’s too old to adopt. And then there’s me.

So that was Father’s Day. I had dinner with my dad that night and my sister who I despise. Luckily my sister invited a bunch of her friends so she was distracted from bothering me too much.

Then I got a stomach virus that I’m still getting over. And this lady I work with who KNOWS that we’ve had all these problems and that I’m about to have surgery says “maybe you’re pregnant…” and I start breathing fire and talking in Parseltongue because I feel so consumed by evil by that comment. Because, yes, before I came back down to earth and remembered that I dont ovulate and I just had a nearly two week long period, I thought maybe I could be too. Then I remembered reality.

I’ll get back to the book challenge on my next post. I just needed to get this out.

Questions

It has been scheduled. Officially. I go in for my lap surgery at 5:30 am on July 1st. My procedure will be at 7:30 am. It looks like it’s going to cost around $1500 out of pocket, but the hospital is going to let us make payments, which is great. My work loaned me $750 interest free and will take $75 out a paycheck for the next ten paychecks to pay it back. I’m blessed to work here-really and truly. Everyone has been so supportive.

When I scheduled the surgery today they told me the basics-no eating after midnight, have someone there to drive you home, etc. She said that my doctor would call the Friday before (my surgery is on a Monday) and go over things in detail with me and that I could take that time to ask him any questions that might crop up. Here are some I’ve already thought of:

1. Will I have to be on a catheter?
2. What drugs will I go home with?
3. Is bleeding (vaginally-not incision site wise) expected after this surgery?
4. What level of pain is normal post surgery?
5. How long should I refrain from cardio activity?
6. What is involved in this two hour prep time?

I’m going to ask him all of these and I’m sure more. If you have any questions you think I should ask, throw them in. If you have answers from YOUR own experiences with this procedure, I’d love to hear those as well. Some good news is that we found out that the military has been skimping Chief on his BAH pay since we got married, so we’re expecting to get some back pay in 7-10 days-which is going to possibly come in REALLY handy for this surgery. Also, my hospital is considering discounting our fees since he’s about to go on furlough.

On to the book challenge!

13. Your favorite book from childhood

Hmmm. Tough one-although probably the BFG by Roald Dahl. It was the first chapter book I ever read on my own and I read it pretty fast for a third grader. Dahl is magical.

14. A book you regret not having read sooner

Princess Diaries. Easily. I just finished the last book and they have been such sweet, darling books. Hilarious and quirky with some romance and crazy teenage antics. I just loved every minute of all 14 books!

Tiny Cameras and Big Fears

I have to have a laparoscopy.

Okay, I don’t HAVE to, but my doctor thinks it’s the most logical next step considering my fertility problems. Between the pain and the complete failure of Clomid to make me ovulate/get pregnant, my weight loss and my periods getting WORSE instead of better, it’s what he advises. I have agreed to it. I have not scheduled it yet, but he’s aiming for the next few weeks. I’m waiting for his financial person to call me and quote me on how much it’s going to run me after insurance. I know I have to meet my deductible, which is $1000. There is also a $100 coinsurance charge for the hospital, and then I pay 20% of whatever is left after deductible. So yeah. It’s going to cost all the money. Luckily I think doctors are legally required to let you make payments, so if I can put a significant amount down it will help keep my payments on the rest of the amount small.

Also, Chief just got furloughed for every Friday from July through September. So the timing is total sucko. Luckily my work has a no interest loan program where they’ll give you the amount of one pay check and then they just take 10% of the loan out of your paycheck for 10 pay periods. It’s pretty awesome. I’ve had to use it before for other things (last minute closing costs on my house and Chief’s sudden unemployment-both a while back), but it always makes me nervous to ask because you have to submit your request directly to the director for him to approve.

Here’s what I’m afraid of:

1. Being really, really broke this summer and not being able to pay our bills. Furloughs are scary. Chief is trying to find something temporary and part time just to help fill the void. My hours aren’t really conducive to a second job so he won’t let me apply for anything, especially considering what I’m about to deal with.

2. Spending all the money on this surgery for him to potentially find nothing. He wants to check for endometriosis, blocked tubes, and possibly due some ovarian drilling while he’s in there. But what if he comes back from the surgery and says nothing was wrong? Then I’m out well over $1000 if not way more than that to find out that, shocker, we still don’t know what’s wrong with me other than PCOS. Which is this ever changing beast that we can’t really nail down.

The doctor did say that, frankly, I’m not going to be able to get pregnant on my own unless we just have some real, real luck. My body is not releasing the eggs. It’s growing them into cysts. So basically, when we want to start trying again he’s going to put me on another ovulation inducer (not Clomid, something else I actually hadn’t heard of yet because me and Clomid-we did NOT get along) plus a trigger shot every month. I told him we wouldn’t be able to afford anything like this until most likely September when Chief’s GI Bill moneys come in. So I think after the lap surgery he’s going to put me on Lupron to shut everything down for a few months so nothing can grow back. I think that’s what he said-but honestly, we talked about so many options my head is spinning a little bit. I should have been writing these things down. Maybe I can just go on the BC Pills (YUCK) until we’re ready financially to start trying again. Lupron scares the crap out of me.

I know a lot of you have been through this, so I need your advice. And ultimately what I’m most curious about is what the best plan of action is after it’s all said and done. Once he goes in and potentially “cleans” everything up-then what next? Can I take a few months off?

On to our book challenge.

12. Favorite Authors

I’m sorry, but are you kidding? I’m pretty sure I’ve been talking about the same authors over and over again throughout this whole thing, but here goes (these are not necessarily in any sort of order)

1. J.K. Rowling

HARRY. POTTER. Nuff Said.

2. Meg Cabot

I know I haven’t mentioned much about Meg Cabot books so far, but darn it y’all-she’s so funny. Her writing is light and makes me feel like my problems aren’t so terrible after all. I’ve been reading the Princess Diaries books and they are wonderful. Really-just what I needed right now.

3. Philip Pullman

Definitely not light or funny, but what amazing reads. Not just His Dark Materials series (The Golden Compass is the first one) but his Sally Lockhart series is great-maybe even better honestly. They’re little mysteries with a kick-ass heroine who even gets knocked up out of wedlock (scandalous!) back in 1800’s England. So yeah, they’re great.

4. Libba Bray

Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, all the times fantasy. Libba Bray weaves some pretty amazing stories and she’s definitely not stereotypical. Her first series takes place in the 1800’s (and in England, as a matter of fact), but her newest series, the Diviners, takes place in America during the roaring twenties. And Going Bovine is a present day novel. Her talents are wide and varied.

5. Laini Taylor

Daughter of Smoke and Bone. Read it. It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

That’s all friends. Remember to leave some advice if you have any on this whole lap surgery thing. I’m a little stressed about it.