Last Hope

Eventually, I promise, this post will have a point. A lot of what is inside of me right now is about to be on your computer screen.

This morning in the car a song came on my iPod. I downloaded the new Paramore album over a month ago. I’ve always been fond of them, but was afraid I was growing too old to enjoy that punk rock teeny bopper style. Luckily, as they have aged they have evolved. There is still a definite rock edge, but there’s also some mellow songs, one with an even tangoish feel, and then this one:

And I’d heard it before, but I think today was the first day I really listened to it. And when I did, the tears just came from that place that I’ve been keeping silent for the past few months.

On Saturday my father-in-law (who was in town for Chief’s birthday) asked me when I would be pregnant with “his grandbaby”. I was pretty shocked, especially considering that I had surgery two months ago and they are now aware of our struggles. Chief came to my defense, luckily, but what I should have said was that he doesn’t have a right to ask, and that he’s never had a right to ask, but now a simple dose of common decency should compel him to keep his mouth shut.

And I went home and cried. Because when I let that place actually exist, I realize all over again that I feel useless, and like a failure, and like I’ve done something wrong. And no one, not Chief, not my father-in-law, not my parents, not the doctors, the radiologists, my coworkers¬†or my friends can understand what that feels like. No one but all of you.

So when I heard this line today, I felt the tears for a new reason:

It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me going

And when it’s dark out, no one’s around, it keeps glowing

I know that every day I run this marathon, your hearts are beating along side of mine, as mine is with you.¬† It’s one of the only things that keeps me going.

And I’ve also realized this about myself, that I couldn’t have realized without the help of my good friends in Paramore:

It’s not that I don’t feel the pain,

It’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore

I’m not afraid. One of the truest quotes I’ve ever heard is that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. And I refuse to suffer anymore. I refuse to let people push me to that point, because I am stronger than them merely by the virtue of what I’ve been through. I am stronger than my alcoholic father-in-law who has no consideration for me, I am stronger than a radiologist with a rough touch and a horrible bedside manner. I am stronger than my crappy coworkers (internet spies be damned). And I am a hell of a lot stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. Tears don’t take my strength away.

And that is the spark that keeps me going. It’s not a lot, but it is enough.

Doctor Doctor, Give me the news…

So I went to see my doctor yesterday to have my post surgery check up and talk about options. Chief went with me which was nice, other than the awkwardness of having my husband sit next to me while Dr. T felt me up.

So before I thought my tubes and everything were fine and it was just endometriosis that he found-not true! Dr. T and I had had a discussion before the surgery that I didn’t want my parents to know about us trying for kids, so when he went to talk to my family afterwards I wanted him to gloss over those parts. Apparently, my right tube was COMPLETELY blocked. Like, completely. No dye got through until he opened it up, and then there was a rush of it. In my head I’m going “FOUR MONTHS OF CLOMID HELL FOR NOTHING?!?!” but I’m also relieved that it’s opened. He said it was VERY good that we did the surgery.

He also said that the endo he removed was stage II, but that he doesn’t really care what stage it’s in because stage I can hurt the same as stage IV, so the important thing is that we deal with it. He didn’t think that the Endo was probably affecting my fertility too much, but that it’s probably has some hand in it and it’s certainly not helping it.

Then he said he wants to give me a three month shot of Lupron and do the add back therapy to help with the side effects. We talked quite a bit about the side effects and the outlook for fertility after the shot has worn off. He said that it would probably be three months after the shot has worn off before I start cycling again, but he fully believes that I will cycle normally for at least a little while-maybe a long while. He says it’s important for the sake of keeping the endo from growing back, but it could also be the thing that helps us get pregnant. And the timeline is perfect, because we didn’t want to start trying until January anyway, so this puts us being “fertile” again by the end of January. He said I should start temping again in December. I don’t look forward to that, but I know it’s a good idea.

I’m sort of afraid of Lupron. There are a lot of people out there on the scary interwebs who said that they basically went crazy, couldn’t work, were in pain all the time, wanted to kill themselves. Dr. T assures me this is not the norm by any means, and that the add back therapy helps a lot. I’m also concerned about weight gain considering how hard I’m working to get rid of the weight!

So now I need advice. I now you’re all running away to a blog free weekend, but what do you think? I’ve agreed to do the shot because ultimately my body could probably use the reset. And I keep thinking that three months is nothing in the grand scheme of a better life-right?

This is my serenity song right now. It’s keeping me calm. Also, I’m pretty sure this is my 100th post. Happy Friday folks.