Eventually, I promise, this post will have a point. A lot of what is inside of me right now is about to be on your computer screen.
This morning in the car a song came on my iPod. I downloaded the new Paramore album over a month ago. I’ve always been fond of them, but was afraid I was growing too old to enjoy that punk rock teeny bopper style. Luckily, as they have aged they have evolved. There is still a definite rock edge, but there’s also some mellow songs, one with an even tangoish feel, and then this one:
And I’d heard it before, but I think today was the first day I really listened to it. And when I did, the tears just came from that place that I’ve been keeping silent for the past few months.
On Saturday my father-in-law (who was in town for Chief’s birthday) asked me when I would be pregnant with “his grandbaby”. I was pretty shocked, especially considering that I had surgery two months ago and they are now aware of our struggles. Chief came to my defense, luckily, but what I should have said was that he doesn’t have a right to ask, and that he’s never had a right to ask, but now a simple dose of common decency should compel him to keep his mouth shut.
And I went home and cried. Because when I let that place actually exist, I realize all over again that I feel useless, and like a failure, and like I’ve done something wrong. And no one, not Chief, not my father-in-law, not my parents, not the doctors, the radiologists, my coworkers or my friends can understand what that feels like. No one but all of you.
So when I heard this line today, I felt the tears for a new reason:
It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around, it keeps glowing
I know that every day I run this marathon, your hearts are beating along side of mine, as mine is with you. It’s one of the only things that keeps me going.
And I’ve also realized this about myself, that I couldn’t have realized without the help of my good friends in Paramore:
It’s not that I don’t feel the pain,
It’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore
I’m not afraid. One of the truest quotes I’ve ever heard is that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. And I refuse to suffer anymore. I refuse to let people push me to that point, because I am stronger than them merely by the virtue of what I’ve been through. I am stronger than my alcoholic father-in-law who has no consideration for me, I am stronger than a radiologist with a rough touch and a horrible bedside manner. I am stronger than my crappy coworkers (internet spies be damned). And I am a hell of a lot stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. Tears don’t take my strength away.
And that is the spark that keeps me going. It’s not a lot, but it is enough.