I don’t know how you can all be so calm WHEN CLEARLY I AM DYING.

So last week before WHITE DEATH 2013 came I had a physical and got some blood drawn just to see where I stand on some things. I also wanted to get my glucose checked because with PCOS that’s really important. So anyway, I’m not going to lie, I’ve lost 53 pounds this year and I went into it thinking that I was in pretty good shape. I was prepared for a pat on the back, keep up the good work, etc.

Well today I got my lab work in the mail with notes from my doctor and my cholesterol is high! Me! The super healthy, exercising, weight loss girl! What the hell?! I mean, it’s not like I’m going to die, but here’s the breakdown:

HDL: 50

LDL:148

LDL/HDL Ratio: 3.0

T. CHOL/HDL Ratio: 4.3

Triglycerides: 87

Total Cholesterol: 215

CLEARLY I AM DYING-RIGHT? RIGHT?!?!

Okay, in all seriousness, it’s not that bad. The triglycerides are badass actually. Both the ratios are considered “normal” and the HDL isn’t terrible, but the LDL (the bad cholesterol) is high. I want it at least 15 points lower than that. And the doctor said that he didn’t recommend starting statins while trying to conceive, but he did say adding Omega 3 Fish Oils would be a good idea. I’ve heard those can mess up your stomach and cause fishy burps-eew. But does anyone know about them during TTC? Does anyone know anything about high cholesterol during TTC? Is it a factor?

I feel like I’ve done something wrong, like when you get a cavity at the dentist. But really I haven’t! I can’t remember the last time I ate fried food, I eat fiber, lean protein, veggies. I (mostly) exercise. Sure I’ve fallen off the last few weeks, but that wouldn’t have affected my cholesterol for this test. So what this tells me is that it really is genetic. I’ve known that my family has problems with cholesterol and heart disease, but it is really freaking me out. Because if after the way my diet and exercise have been for the last year my cholesterol is STILL high then that means I have a problem. And I don’t wanna.

The good news (I guess) is that my glucose is very normal, so he’s not worried about that. My CBC was fine. Everything was mostly fine. My lymphocytes were elevated indicating I was fighting an illness last week (I’ve felt sick for months due to allergies, so that’s not shocking to me) and my calcium and total protein count were SLIGHTLY up. Both only by .2 over the normal, so no big deal. and my thyroid numbers were good which is great, because several times in the past my thyroid has been slightly outside the normal range.

BUT DAMNIT I’M 25, HEALTHY, AND HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL. What gives?!

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Growing and growing

Thank you, thank you for all of your sweet and kind words. That last post is one of the truest and most emotional I’ve ever put down. It was such a big part of me that apparently I had to disappear for a while. It showed a lot of personal growth that I didn’t realize was happening this summer, and today I’m going to tell you about some more.

 

I have decided to stop protecting assholes who ask me when I’m going to have a baby. And by protecting I mean I’m no longer going to say “Oh, you know, when the time is right” or, my personal favorite “We’re just enjoying spending time together and don’t want to rush into anything”.

I don’t know if my mellow menopause time is wearing off (who knew that would be the result of Lupron?) and I’m turning back into a human being or what, but this past weekend a really great friend of mine got married and there were various parties to attend in her honor. One of them was a stock the bar party on Thursday night and when I got there, this totally vile girl that I went to middle and high school with was there. She is 25 like me and already has two kids. The first one was a one night stand accident, the second she planned with her husband and it took her three whole months to get pregnant, so you know, she’s really struggled.

Anyway, the moment I saw that she was there I instantly wanted to leave. Besides her being a terrible person all the way through school (I can tell you stories, but that would be a digression from the truly heinous thing that she did at this party), she’s also one of those mothers who has to post exactly the right way to do things on FB. I mean, you just HAVE to have an all natural childbirth, and you HAVE to exclusively breast feed, and if you don’t have a midwife, well, clearly you are insane, and you know, if you don’t encapsulate your placenta then you’ll go crazy and murder people and stuff. I’m not saying that natural child birth, EBF, midwifes, and encapsulated placenta aren’t great. I would be just as annoyed if she was spouting the opposite side of things-because NO ONE has to do something like someone else. There is definitely a wrong way to do things, but having a c-section or an epidural is NOT wrong, using only doctors and not a midwife is NOT WRONG, using formula exclusively or mixing formula and breast feeding is NOT WRONG. That whole placenta thing is a personal choice. They’re all personal choices and no one, NO ONE needs to push people into things, especially on facebook. She is obsessed with her own point of view and with childbirth and getting pregnant. So needless to say, I dreaded seeing her. Dreaded it.

When I walked in she was already talking about her natural childbirth. She was drinking a white russian and announced to the bar that she would be “pumping and dumping” to which I wanted to say “NO ONE ASKED”. Then she went on to say that her next baby would be born at home in the bath tub. Again, I’m not trying to sound judgey. I don’t CARE how people have their children as long as it’s safe and everyone turns out okay, but at someone else’s WEDDING party we really don’t need to hear you shouting about placenta and PH test strips for breast milk.

And then, as I knew would happen, she turned to me and my husband and YELLED across the room full of my friends from high school, “So, when are YOU TWO going to get pregnant?!”

And guys, something in me sort of snapped at that point. I could have handled it the way I always do, but I said fuck no to that. She’s going to try and butt into our personal life? Well she’s going to get an earful. So I responded in this manner:

“Actually, we’ve been trying for almost two years. I have endometriosis and PCOS and had surgery this year. We don’t really know what our prognosis is, but it’s a pretty painful and emotional situation we’ve been having to deal with. We have hopes for the future, but are tempering them with the reality that it just might not happen for us.”

 

I didn’t say it in an angry way, or a sad way. Just a realistic, here’s what’s happening sort of way. And she basically shrugged, looked really embarrassed at her behavior, and turned away to talk to someone else. One of my friends who is a kind and caring person said, “Oh my, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were going through that” to which I responded, “Well, it’s pretty hard to tell everyone about it. No one wants to have to admit that they have a broken uterus” to which the terrible awful girl then turned around and said “Well, MY uterus certainly isn’t broken!”

I. AM. NOT. SHITTING. YOU.

My husband squeezed my arm and gave me a look that said “If I don’t walk out of this room right now I WILL punch her in the face”, so I patted him on the back and told him to get some air. I stayed and talked with the nice person who was HORRIFIED on my behalf. HORRIFIED. I was mad, I won’t shit you. But something I’m learning is that we can only control our own behavior, and you know what? I behaved like a fucking queen that night. I was gracious, and honest, and I’m not afraid to pat myself on the back for it. So there is your dose of personal growth for the week. I encourage all of you to do the same to those who might attack you for your uterine deficiencies, because it feels really good to see the smug look on their face be replaced with embarrasment. And all the shit we go through DOES  make us stronger than the average woman, so I’m done being ashamed of it. We are survivors just like anyone else. Don’t any of you EVER forget it.

The Vanishing Period and the Vanishing Weight

Hola mi amigas! It’s Friday!

But I work tomorrow, so boo on that. But still, it’s Friday!

Friday means it’s also weigh in day, and you may not have known this, because I’m the worst blogger ever, but I’ve been suffering from a plateau for the last two weeks or so, and I finally broke it this week. I’m now down 12.5 pounds. This put’s me pretty behind my goal of 30 by May 18, but as I’ve said before, I’ll content myself with anything over 20. I could still hit 30, but it requires 1.5 pounds of loss every week and some weeks it’s just not happening.

This is the first week that I’ve earned so many WW points for working out. The goal is supposed to be 28 a week for weight loss and this week I hit 22. Usually I’m lucky to hit 15, so this is a big accomplishment for me :), especially considering I’m working full time now. I just have to keep it up and not get discouraged by the stupid plateaus. They are usually what makes me stop trying, so I’m proud of myself for pushing through this one. I can’t wait to buy my 20 pounds down outfit! 7.5 pounds to go on that…

This is also the first week that anyone has told me I look smaller. My mom told me on Sunday and my Aunt told me on Tuesday. I think it’s all coming out of my breasts, but hey-that’s a start. Gotta start somewhere I guess 🙂 And my mom is also totally convinced I’m building muscle and is attributing my plateau to muscle weight gain. I think that’s wishful thinking, but I guess it’s possible. I sure feel like I’m working muscles on that elliptical! I’ve grown to LOVE the air force base gym because I can watch TV on the screen of my machine-and they have all the channels! The other day I watched Gilmore Girls and last night I watched Big Bang Theory. It’s sad that TV is such a motivating factor, but it helps me push through the boredom of working out.

The other thing that has vanished? Yep, it’s my period. I’m way overdue, and I’m not preggers (at least not as of Tuesday). I was pretty sure I didn’t ovulate this month but of course when I was late I had to check. So now I don’t know when it will show, but I’m just going to let it take it’s course. No provera for me ever again if I can help it. It’s such a nightmare drug. My sister was talking about a friend of hers on Clomid who was acting crazy and emotional and I almost piped up with “yeah that’s how I was on it” but quickly remembered that my family doesn’t know anything about our failed pregnancy attempts, and I don’t want them to know, at least not right now. I was really riding high on the whole regulated period thing, but I sort of knew it was too good to be true. Maybe it’ll come back someday. Maybe when I lose some more weight I’ll have better results. They say that for PCOS women who are overweight losing 10-20% of their weight can assist in returning cycles to normal. I’m not there yet, but hoping for the best when I get there. In the meantime, I’m having lots of strange discharge, but now EWCM except for a tiny bit a few days ago. Maybe I’m just ovulating really late? Geez. What a pain being a girl is. I want my money back.

So still here, a little smaller, more confused about my lady parts, but happier with myself than I’ve ever been. All in all, things could be a lot worse 🙂