Update

So I survived the “winter weather” (that really turned out to be just cold rain) to make it to see my doc this morning. When I walked into the office he himself was wrestling with a Christmas tree in the corner. I looked at the receptionist and said “Yeah, I’m [Barren Librarian] here to see the guy with the tree…” and then looked at him and said “You know, when I worked for a doctor he made me put up the Christmas tree”, and doc was all “I’m an OB/GYN with a staff full of women. I don’t make them do anything.”

Good point.

He asked me what was going on and I said, “Oh not much. My ovulation strips are insultingly negative, so I’m not feeling great about things.” And then he said, “Well, we may just have to kick things up a notch.”

Then, because we are so comfortable with each other at this point, he said “Do me a favor and go around the corner and let [Nurse] know you’re here”.

Then I took of all the clothes I could manage without being inappropriate, got weighed (down some more! 53 pounds lost!) and had my blood pressure taken, and then stripped down in preparation for the ULTRASOUND OF DOOM. (Cue dramatic music).

Okay, it wasn’t that bad. First I’ll just give you guys the facts, because I know you’re wondering:

My uterus looks “beautiful” according to the doctor. I have a good “uterine stripe” as he calls the lining-very healthy, exactly what we want to see. That was a relief to me. Then he went searching for my ovaries, and when I say searching I mean SEARCHING, because he couldn’t find lefty. I jokingly said “Are you sure you didn’t remove them during surgery?” with a nervous laugh. Anyway, he found righty, and there were two follicles on it. Neither of them are anything to speak of though. The biggest one is 8.8 mm. So yeah, it ain’t happening this cycle. That’s fine. I’m glad that things are “waking up” (in his words, this cycle is like “priming the pump before you use it”). Next cycle, we’re taking the letrozole up a dose and using a trigger shot. I’ve had a trigger before with Clomid and it didn’t work, but he feels so positive about this next cycle. And instead of just prescribing ovidrel he’s going to have the HCG compounded for me to save me some money. The Ovidrel is over $100 dollars a shot, so saving money is great. I’m all for saving money. In the end, he could barely find lefty because it wasn’t really stimulated at all, but good news folks-it’s still there.

Here is why I’m calling it the ULTRASOUND OF DOOM.

Doc had a student with him so he was really trying to find things to show her on the screen. We got several shots of my uterus, he showed her my tubes, the ovaries that he could find, even my bladder. It really went on for a while. And while I’ve come to accept Mr. Probe as a part of my life, it doesn’t mean I like him. I most certainly do not. By the end I was ready for my reproductive system to be my own again. During the ultrasound he said, “what side did we do the most work on during surgery? I can’t remember.” and I said “I’m not sure-you were the awake one, remember?”

We’re just a couple of old chums.

Anyway, he walked me to check-out and said “I think we’re going to get a Christmas miracle out of you!” which was sweet. So Hope, the fleeting bitch that she is, is back for a little while at least. Anyone wanna take bets on how long until I’m a sobbing mess again? Anyone? Anyone?

Thanks to those of you who were encouraging last night/this morning. It’s good to have friends 🙂

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The Requisite “Needing Encouragement” Post

So, you know, it’s my first cycle back in the TTC game in about a year, and of course, things aren’t happening. So I need encouragement.

Can we all think back to October when my doctor SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME that he didn’t have high hopes for the first cycle off Lupron? I remember it clear as day, and yet I have been searching google like a crazy person because for the first time in all of my TTC history, I have NO test line on my OPK’s. I’m not just saying they’re negative, I’m saying they are super negative. Control line only. Maybe this is normal for some people, but not me. Usually I have at least some sort of test line and then it gradually darkens-even if I don’t ovulate. So in my head I have no LH whatsoever, and therefore no chance of ovulating this cycle.

AND I WAS TOLD THIS MIGHT HAPPEN. But I’m still feeling very “all hope is lost” about my situation. I feel like nothing will happen next cycle or the next. And then we’re done. No IVF, no IUI. That’s it.

Today is CD 13 and doc said if I was going to ovulate it would be between CD 12-16. I’ve felt so hopeless about the situation I haven’t even wanted to jump Chief’s bones. I’ve totally failed in that department. Luckily I have an ultrasound with doc tomorrow to see whats happening. Even if the ultrasound shows no ovulation will occur, I’m hoping he’ll see something like a uterine lining or any sort of egg growth at all that might indicate to us that things are waking up after the three months of Lupron and that next cycle should be better.

The bad news is that we’re supposed to get “winter weather” overnight, and even small amounts of winter weather in my area shuts everything down. Plus I’m not great at driving in the stuff, and I have to go over multiple bridges and overpasses. But I just really, really need to see my doctor. I NEED him to reassure me that there is hope, even if it’s not for this cycle.

And I wouldn’t mind that from you guys. The internet is so full of horror stories about Lupron ruining your life. Going into the holidays I just really need some hope.

Anyone?

Just Another Manic Monday

Except for not really. I was looking for a fun title.

But it is indeed Monday. The worst of all days. Sunday nights have gotten really depressing for me because I just dread the week so much. Without giving too much away to the internet spies (that probably don’t exist), work just really sucks right now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is still feeling really long and arduous. Next weekend Chief and I have no plans whatsoever. WHATSOEVER. And no one is allowed to try and give us any. We need a break like the Olsen twins need a candy bar. Also, Cycle Day 12 is Saturday, which is the alleged beginning to my fertile time. I’ll begin OPK’s around CD 10. I may even spring for the expensive ones from the store instead of the little strip ones we all buy in bulk on Amazon. I’ll still use those and just use the store ones when I think the strip ones are positive.

A week from today is my ultrasound to see if anything is happening in the lady parts department. Then I will come to work and work an incredibly long day (9:00-8:00) because my boss is taking two weeks off and that is her late night. And I’m really, really nice and didn’t want to say no, even though if the doctor see’s something happening I will then have to go home and jump my husband like a rabid hyena. Or something. I’ve been having a little, tiny pang on my right side (it just happened as I was typing!) so I’m hoping that something is a-brewing. But it’s wee tiny. I could just be imagining it. Or it could be indigestion.

Good news in the fitness world! I’m going to start running during my lunch hour a few days a week with a friend who works on the fifth floor in the non-fiction department. She is one of the best people I know-literally a beacon of light and positivity when I really need one. I haven’t been working out and while I haven’t gained any weight, I’m certainly not losing any either. And we’re going into the gain-weight time of year. I refuse to get fat again! I just refuse!

Tonight is my last dose of femara. I’m feeling…okay. I was a weepy, fall apart kind of mess on prometrium. That doesn’t bode well for the first trimester if I ever manage to get knocked up. But God (or whoever really, I’m not picky at this point, please let me get knocked up. I’ll sob like a fool every day of that first trimester if that’s what it takes. And me sobbing ain’t pretty. It involves A LOT OF snot.

Poor Chief.